realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[It's at least a little calming to have Stahn's hands pressed against his like this, holding him in place. At least he's not making a total fool of himself here. At least some of the things he's doing and saying seem to have some sort of impact on Stahn.

So Leon just...sighs, and tilts his head forward until his forehead is resting against Stahn's, but his eyes slide shut and remain that way. He won't watch him, then. This is enough of an assurance for him--he'll accept that as all the response he needs right now.

They can worry about the rest when they have to get up for the day and face the others. And so Leon's response comes calmly and quietly and oh-so-simply:]

I know.

I guess for some people it is.

[stahn will respond casually—a direct contrast to the adamant way judas had fired back.]

But whatever name I use... I know I'll still be me. [it's a very simple, very stahn sort of response. he doesn't care that much about his name, even if it's going to be remembered in the annals of history for what had happened eighteen years ago.]

As long as I have my family, I don't think it matters too much.

Edited 2016-05-30 00:47 (UTC)

[it's the small gestures that help a lot. for stahn, having leon here this way helps. knowing that he has to be better in order to help leon and support him?

that helps too.

it's a strange knowing, that the thing that he feels dragging him back to his own reality, pulling him from drowning in some kind of endless sea of his own troubles is leon. and it's not just in that he's doing it for the sake of keeping his promises to leon.

it's also the fact that leon himself seems to know the right things to do, the right words to say, everything in order to make stahn understand the things that are so hard for him to grasp. he's firm and unrelenting, but not forceful or impatient. he says the things stahn needs to hear, but doesn't make demands or get angry at how long it takes for things to sink in.

he's doing these things so right, and even that in itself is enough to make stahn a little breathless.

leon...

leon is so important to him in every way imaginable.]

I'll be okay. [he'll speak after a moment or two, quietly.] I'm sorry... if I worried you.

[he knows it's not something he needs to apologize for. he's sure leon will even tell him that much. but he wants to, because when he's the one making so many promises to always be there for leon and help him when things are hard... well, the burden has fallen on leon this time around and he's done nothing to help even though stahn knows he's in pain too.]

It matters.

[Leon's sticking firm on this one--it matters that Stahn is Stahn, because... well, he can't quite put words to why, he just knows that it matters.]

Even if you would still be you, changing your name is--

[A beat, and he hesitates, before frowning a little and shifting to stare at the ceiling again.]

... You would change, even if you do not believe you would.

... It... isn't as though--

[It's not like he was worried--the words are on the tip of his tongue, but after seeing Ilene jump like that, he can't quite bring himself to say them. Things feel...too fleeting for that.

Instead, he clears his throat a little awkwardly, glancing away as much as he can when their foreheads are still pressed together. It's...hard even now to admit that he does care. He does worry. He is concerned.

But he is.

So instead, he finally just sighs.]

Do not apologize for something like that. [He doesn't want Stahn to be sorry.

He just wants Stahn to be okay.]

Huh... do you really think so?

[maybe it had been that way for judas, but stahn has a hard time imagining that he would be any other ways.]

I'm pretty set in my ways now. I think that's what happens when kids start calling you "old man," eheheh.

[ah the life of being called ojisan by little kids that don't know him.]

[in a way, stahn feels a little relieved that leon doesn't finish that first sentence; even if he's used to leon spouting lines like that...

well, it feels little better to have leon admit his worry by proxy instead of pretending it doesn't exist at all. not that he's happy leon is worried for him at all; that's not what stahn actually wants.

his hands squeeze leon's a little, and stahn lets his eyes fall closed.]

I don't want you to worry because of me. I haven't done anything at all for you this time. [which is something stahn feels terrible about, truly.] I'm okay... I'll be okay.

I won't let this slow us down.

[... Alright, Judas is snorting at that under his breath.

He can't help it. It hasn't really been 18 years to him, so he still struggles to process that sometimes.]

Ah. Right. I'd forgotten that you have become old.

[old man.]

[He shakes his head a little at that, quietly and slowly, and sighs out quietly. He knows Stahn won't want to accept this very easily, but on the other hand... Leon thinks it's true.]

I do not need you to do anything for me right now.

[Yes, he's mourning. Yes, he's sad and upset. But even so--right now he doesn't need Stahn looking out for him. He needs Stahn looking out for Stahn.]

Take care of yourself. See to it that you will be. [And if Stahn's okay, then... Leon knows that he, too, will be okay.

In time.]

It's because I still look as young as you remember, right? Right?

[he doesn't mind being called old, but he has no shame in making jokes about his youthful appearance...

even though he doesn't look 19 anymore, despite that.]

[Judas takes a moment there before he speaks.]

... No. You look different.

But...

[There's a beat, as if he's reconsidering being as sappy as he was going to be.]

...Even so, you are undeniably still you.

I'll take care of myself.

[he won't deny that leon is right about that. he needs to take care of himself and figure things out and get past this state of mourning.

but all the same, he doesn't want to hear those words from leon.]

...I'll take care of you too. [he says it quietly, but there's still conviction contained in his tone.]

When I came back from Leane I told you... "From now on, we do everything together."

[so...]

That means things like this too.

You could've played along at least a little, you know...

[stahn scrunches his nose a bit.

he's definitely still the same old stahn in some ways, that much is absolutely certain.]

[... Of course he remembers. It'd been a really important conversation, a really important promise, and Leon wasn't ready to give that up.

On the other hand...does he really have the right to make Stahn do that? When Stahn is hurting so much... can they really do this together? Shouldn't Leon be supporting Stahn while he's capable of it?

There's a long, lingering pause, but the conviction in Stahn's tone is what sways him. He's missed that sort of conviction in Stahn's words. He'd seemed so lost, but at least like this he seems certain. And so, quietly, Leon sighs, caving.]

I do not need you to take care of me.

... But even so... you may do what you want.

[If Stahn wants to take care of him too... Leon won't do more than put up those token protests.]

[stahn's shoulders almost immediately slump a little, releasing tension he didn't even realize he was keeping bottled there.

somehow, it's a relief to hear leon not deny him that much. for stahn, it's really important to keep his word—he doesn't mind that leon is trying to care for him too, stahn isn't trying to bottle this up completely and deal with the problems all on his own.

but he'd made a promise that day. he'd made a lot of promises to never leave leon alone again, to never let him deal with his pain by himself, and... to do everything together. so whether that's fight the threats to their loved ones and their world, enjoy a meal, or grieve the loss of people they care for... they can do it together.]

Thank you. [there's just as much to thank leon for as he felt he'd needed to give his apologies about.

it's a little bit for the support, but most for the fact that he doesn't deny stahn the things that he feels matter most. maybe leon doesn't need stahn to take care of him, but it doesn't change the fact that he wants to do that. he wants to be leon's pillar of support in the hardest of times, even though he failed to do it before.

so stahn shifts slightly, moving his hands so they're on leon's cheeks (okay, it's a bit of an awkward position now, but stahn doesn't care), tilting his head so their lips can press together once again. there's no desperation—it's gentle and warm and appreciative; stahn is truly thankful to have leon here with him right now.]

[... Stahn especially can do whatever he wants if it's going to be something like this. Stahn's hands are warm on his cheeks, and then there are his lips against his, and Leon honestly melts into the kiss, eyes fluttering shut and leaning into it far more easily than he ever has before.

It's gentle, and warm and sweet, and it's Stahn at his best, and it gives Leon so much comfort. It's more than he ever thought a physical gesture could do, and yet...there it is. Partially because it's something he's been missing, but mostly because he's just so sad as well, even if he's been hiding it, this kiss is more than welcome.

Because when he thinks of Ilene, and how desperate she must have been, it hurts the part of him that had been attached to her, no matter how hard he wanted to deny it. When he thinks of how it could have been him, under Hugo's thumb and hopeless, it terrifies him as well. He's been keeping all of those fingers under wraps, but Stahn's offering him comfort now, and before Leon can even think to stop himself, he's embracing it with everything he has, because he's needed this as well.]

[And Judas snorts, amused.]

Why would I do that? You proclaimed yourself to be old and set in your ways a few moments ago.

Perhaps soon your hair will be going gray.

[It's...good natured ribbing, at least.]

[there's some innate knowing of how much leon needs it—or maybe how much they both do. the way leon leans into the kiss, the way he doesn't hesitate or refuse is telling to stahn.

stahn has been there this whole time trying to provide leon comfort at every turn, and at a time when he needs it most, he couldn't provide that. he starved leon of comfort and affection, and stahn knows that has to be true because of how easily it feels like leon is taking solace in it.

and that makes sense, doesn't it? leon had known ilene for so long, for much longer than he spoke of. she was connected to his family, and to hugo—and they both know it. leon was hurting a lot, even if he's been holding back so much of it for stahn's sake. "together," stahn was saying, but how much was leon mourning and grieving alone?

whatever remains of stahn's lack of sensibility seems to melt away completely with this gesture. being able to feel leon's grief and his needs to acutely in this position makes it impossible for him to get so caught in his own broken train of thought.

he needs leon.

but leon needs him too.

leon needs him a lot right now, so even as stahn tries to pull away from the kiss... he ends up going back for more. and more. and more. it's kiss after kiss, each with the same kind of warmth as the last—each one meant to convey his love and support, as well as his apologies for not recognizing just how much leon needed him sooner.

he was selfish for the last day or so, and leon was the one suffering the most for it, wasn't he?]

You could have said something like "you don't look old at all! not a day past 30!" and it wouldn't have been so bad.

[but alas...]

Instead, you're trying to make me even older...

[It honestly changes everything.

Leon's been trying really hard to keep his mourning and grief to himself; he knew Stahn was struggling, and he hadn't wanted to add more onto his shoulders. While mourning by himself was the norm for Leon, he'd been getting used to depending on Stahn and opening up to Stahn, so that wasn't it. He still completely trusts Stahn with what he's feeling and what he's thinking, but...

Stahn had been struggling, right?

Now though... now he seems so certain. He doesn't back down at all, instead insistently giving Leon so much love and support, and Leon's left breathless and overwhelmed, but... warm, as well. It's strange, really, how hard that makes it to keep himself from...well, crying. He doesn't tend to cry, not except in extreme moments, but Stahn giving him this much loving support is a lot. On top of Ilene being gone, and the way that she went...

Leon has to swallow between kisses, trying desperately to find his composure again, but he doesn't back down or pull away either. How could he, when this is so much more than he could have ever asked for in this situation, but keeps him together so much better?

But eventually, he knows he has to contribute as well. Together, they'd said. Which means that Leon has to contribute too, to help Stahn in this difficult time as well. So he slides his hand from Stahn's cheek into his hair, gently burying it there as he focuses on returning the kisses with more intent, equally.]

Honestly. Does that sounds anything remotely like something I would say?

[Pls.]

If anything, you are somehow still immature despite your age.

[every single kiss is undoubtedly emotionally charged.

every suspicion that stahn has about how much leon is grieving is confirmed by the wet feeling of tears hitting his hands. leon... leon is sad. he's sad enough to cry, and the last (and only) time stahn can really remember him crying was when he returned from leane. the day leon woke up, the air hung heavy enough for that.

but now leon is crying as they share these kisses, and just as leon is a bit overwhelmed, stahn is too. they're both in mourning. they're both feeling a deep ache from the loss, even if it's for different reasons. and that's why stahn is relentless with his kisses. his have as much intent as leon's, so purposeful in their warmth.

you don't have to do this alone.

i'm here with you.

his voice is silent, but his lips certainly aren't. they're doing the talking while his thumbs try to wipe away the tears that fall in firm, gentle strokes.

even as he feels leon's hand get buried in his hair, he doesn't relent.

but as they do this together, they're still grieving. stahn is too, despite his newfound conviction. and that's why even as he's wiping leon's tears, the ones that stahn had been holding back, that had been stinging behind his eyes just a few minutes earlier spill over. it's okay... it's okay, because they're sad, and this is what they're supposed to do when they're sad.

together, they're mourn. together, they'll cry. and when they've finished that... together, they'll be able to stahn up and move forward. stahn believes that, and he's going to keep believing that for as long as he can.]

[it's because he deals with children all day, every day.]

It's okay to play along with a joke sometimes, you know. [some things really don't ever change, even now.]

[It doesn't take Leon long to find his composure, as per usual. He's almost embarrassed by how he lost it--but it wasn't just Ilene then, was it? It was Ilene, and what happened to her, and what could've happened to Leon if things had gone differently, but it was also Hugo, and how far his father had gone, and how far down the path of no return he was.

It was a lot of things, and Leon was overwhelmed by them all at once, with how sweet and thoughtful and kind Stahn was being.

And how important that affection was to him.

But now he regains control of himself, clearing his throat; he doesn't have to try to brush away the tears, because Stahn's already done so, but he does have to pull away just enough to breathe--between the kisses and the crying, his throat's burning from lack of air.

And then, almost awkwardly gently, Leon reaches out to brush the tears away from Stahn's face as well. It's a little late to pretend like he wasn't crying himself, of course, but he doesn't really know how to approach that or deal with it, so he doesn't bring it up at all.

It feels like more and more, he loses control of himself around Stahn, and he's never entirely sure how to handle it.]

[He snorts gently at that, shaking his head, and relaxes fully against the rug. This sort of normal...he could really get used to this, couldn't he?]

No... no, I don't think I'll do that. Not this time.

[But next time...who knows?]

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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