Ehehe, probably not! Gramps always said I wouldn't be me if I changed too much.
[he says it with a laugh—stahn is obviously very accepting with leon's statement. he gets carried away a lot, and sometimes that does bite him in the ass. but it's a part of the person he is, and he thinks something would be lost if he didn't put the whole of his enthusiasm into all of his actions.
in some ways, it feels like it goes doubly so when it comes to leon. leon is reserved; he's not used to grand gestures, warmth, genuine kindness. he's not used to things like pure affection, and receiving love from other people. stahn knows this, he understands it. it's something of a barrier that they've been working towards trying to overcome since the revelation that these feelings exist at all. but he wants to bit-by-bit, part-by-part to remove all the stones that make up those walls. so that leon can let him in wholly, so that they can not be separated by something built up from pain and conditioning.
sure, it means that stahn will get carried away. it means he'll cross lines unknowingly and have to backtrack. it means that he'll have to temper himself sometimes, and it means that leon is going to be overwhelmed by him in news ways at other times.
but that's okay right?
because they'll be together.
they'll be together, and they'll somehow figure out how to make all the pieces fit together.
that's what stahn wants. after meeting ilene in noischtat, she'd posed a question. what were his ideals? what were his dreams?]
You know... one time, I talked to Ilene about what I wanted in the future. I didn't really know then, though. I said "I want to raise a happy family... and by becoming a soldier, I can reach that goal."
[it's a thought that seems to come out of the blue, but it's not as if he's ignoring what leon is saying at all. if anything, it's an acknowledgement that leon sees things in the same way he does right now. and it's a means of expressing things he may not have been entirely clear about before. he rubs his thumb in a bit of a circular motion over the back of leon's hand as he continues that thought.]
But now... I can see that's probably not the way for me. I still have a lot to learn, and a lot to see. And I think... I have a lot of time to figure it out. But— [his gaze shifts towards the sky.
(of course, this night before the final battle monologue had to come eventually, right?)] I'm happy like this, Leon. I don't know when I'll figure out everything, but... I like knowing you'll be there. I feel like... we'll both learn and grow a lot because of this choice.
[there's a warm fondness to his tone—it's a surprisingly thoughtful sentiment, and one he's obviously considering closely and carefully. he has no regrets about the choices they're making, and he's further just elated that leon wants to walk this path with him. neither of them really knows what will happen next, but... they'll figure it out.
no subject
[he says it with a laugh—stahn is obviously very accepting with leon's statement. he gets carried away a lot, and sometimes that does bite him in the ass. but it's a part of the person he is, and he thinks something would be lost if he didn't put the whole of his enthusiasm into all of his actions.
in some ways, it feels like it goes doubly so when it comes to leon. leon is reserved; he's not used to grand gestures, warmth, genuine kindness. he's not used to things like pure affection, and receiving love from other people. stahn knows this, he understands it. it's something of a barrier that they've been working towards trying to overcome since the revelation that these feelings exist at all. but he wants to bit-by-bit, part-by-part to remove all the stones that make up those walls. so that leon can let him in wholly, so that they can not be separated by something built up from pain and conditioning.
sure, it means that stahn will get carried away. it means he'll cross lines unknowingly and have to backtrack. it means that he'll have to temper himself sometimes, and it means that leon is going to be overwhelmed by him in news ways at other times.
but that's okay right?
because they'll be together.
they'll be together, and they'll somehow figure out how to make all the pieces fit together.
that's what stahn wants. after meeting ilene in noischtat, she'd posed a question. what were his ideals? what were his dreams?]
You know... one time, I talked to Ilene about what I wanted in the future. I didn't really know then, though. I said "I want to raise a happy family... and by becoming a soldier, I can reach that goal."
[it's a thought that seems to come out of the blue, but it's not as if he's ignoring what leon is saying at all. if anything, it's an acknowledgement that leon sees things in the same way he does right now. and it's a means of expressing things he may not have been entirely clear about before. he rubs his thumb in a bit of a circular motion over the back of leon's hand as he continues that thought.]
But now... I can see that's probably not the way for me. I still have a lot to learn, and a lot to see. And I think... I have a lot of time to figure it out. But— [his gaze shifts towards the sky.
(of course, this night before the final battle monologue had to come eventually, right?)] I'm happy like this, Leon. I don't know when I'll figure out everything, but... I like knowing you'll be there. I feel like... we'll both learn and grow a lot because of this choice.
[there's a warm fondness to his tone—it's a surprisingly thoughtful sentiment, and one he's obviously considering closely and carefully. he has no regrets about the choices they're making, and he's further just elated that leon wants to walk this path with him. neither of them really knows what will happen next, but... they'll figure it out.
together.]