realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

Entry tags:

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

[this is a catch-all for boyfriends

here's a list

- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]

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Just because we don't need it doesn't mean we can't have it. I do want to help people, and I want other people to be able to live peacefully, but...

[his pause is very brief before he gives leon a firm look. it's still warm, of course, but his conviction hasn't faltered in the least.] Looking out for our future and dreams is just as important.

[it's fine that leon doesn't step closer; they're outside after all. even if the added warmth would be welcomed, and even if the city is completely barren, it's not as if he expects leon to be so forthcoming. he still has quite noticed yet though that leon's hands are cold and exposed—he wouldn't hesitate to grab his hands and keep them warm if that were to be the case.

that's just as important to him, after all. but in a state in handling everything on step at a time, his gaze his so fixed on leon's than it's hard to look away. he doesn't want to look away from leon; he likes looking at leon. he likes when their eyes meet this way, and that they can do this while they talk, whether it's about something seemingly petty, or something as important at the current topic at hand.

for him, it's necessary to make this clear. no matter how many things stahn wants to pursue in his life, he's ready to wait. but further, he wants to make sure it's known that defeating greybaum isn't just about saving the world. heroic as stahn can be, there's enough of him that's selfish. there's enough of him that has to use his own wants as motivation to keep going when things really start to get difficult. and he wants to make it clear that it's okay for leon to want for those things too, to want to succeed beyond it being his mission to do so.

they have to embrace the smaller joys in life, because if the threat of this experience has taught them anything, it's that things like peace and stability could be as fleeting as the world itself. he doesn't want for them to miss out on those experiences and take it for granted; he would have regrets about that. and he's sure that when leon's perspective eventually changes and matures, he'll see things just the same.

they can't live with regrets, they absolutely can't.]

[Stahn keeps making these sweeping declarations that make it so Leon almost can't breathe.

They may not sound like much to most people--all Stahn is doing is saying that their future is important too. But to Leon, it's the acknowledgement that he has a future with someone else that leaves him breathless. The fact that it is a "we", the fact that it is a shared future... it's something he never had before. Sure, Chaltier's future was inevitably tied to his own, but because of that that's different--Chal had no choice, and while he's as loyal as can be, it's different from Stahn pinning his own hopes and dreams and future alongside Leon's.

And Marian... well, Leon had never thought he had the right to put his future together with Marian's anyway. Perhaps after all of this, if he had succeeded, and if she had started to see him properly as an adult, but now that he's here...

He doesn't really need it, does he? Things are so natural like this with Stahn. Putting his future together with Stahn's...feels so right.

Leon clears his throat, but it's obvious he's sheepish and a little embarrassed. Even something that simple... it's so much to him. The intent, the words, Stahn's good cheer and determination when he says them...

It's everything to someone like Leon.]

Yes, well...

[Their future, huh... Their dreams. Their life together, after this.

It's something Leon is fighting for as well. Because of that--]

You don't have to tell me something like that. I'm already aware.

[And he's already fighting for that too.]

I know.

[maybe there had been a brief note of doubt; after all, he felt unsettled just staying in bed and waiting for sleep to come. but standing here with leon, seeing his face and hearing such a simple confirmation that everything they planned—and the feelins that go along with it—is proceeding the right way.

it's been a hard road to even get to this point, both in what they need to do to ensure the safety of the world, and getting where they are between the two of them. it took so long to acknowledge these feelings, and it took even longer for leon to warm up to the idea of them even being friends, let alone much else. but because they've worked so hard, it just means that stahn treasures every last bit of it even more. and he knows that leon does too, even if he expresses it in different ways. but stahn wants to hold onto the warmth of this moment; he feels like these little things are going to get him through the toughest parts of what tomorrow will bring for him.

so he eyes the area around them briefly—it's probably just as expected that there isn't a soul in sight. there's something he wants to do... actually, there are a few things he wants to do, but there isn't much reason to rush when he knows they'll be alone out here. so he looks down at the very small gap between them—and immediately pauses.

leon's hands are bare.]

L... Leon! [it's not a loud exclamation, but a worried one; it's cold out here, and once again, leon isn't wearing any gloves. they've been out here for bit, and he's not sure how long leon was out here alone. that's no good, his hands have to be freezing by now. they can't afford for leon to get frostnipped fingertips on the eve of the most important battle they'll ever face (as far as he knows).]

You shouldn't have come out here without gloves. Your hands... they must be freezing! [not that leon is getting a chance to argue this, because stahn is already putting himself into action. he grabs both of leon's hands in his own gloves once, tugging them upwards as he hunches over a little bit. he's quick to pull them up near his face, cupping them close to his mouth.

and then he exhales, trying to release his warm breath over leon's skin in an attempt to warm them up a little. he can't help himself... maybe it's an overreaction, but it worries him. how can leon be so reckless on a night that's this cold? even if the air in seinegald is cooler than that of fitzgald due to its proximity to phandaria, it's colder than he's used to. he can't just leave things be so easily, and this is the quickest way he knows how to warm up someone else's hands. cold weather wasn't common in leane, but every so often, the winds would blow from the southeast and bring those cold winds for a couple of days. when he was a kid, he used to do the same for lilith in a pinch.]

[Ah. Right.

Well, he really hadn't been intending to stay out here terribly long, and he really did just forget to bring gloves along; they'd made sure they were properly equipped for their time here after that first frigid day. But even if it is cold, and he can barely feel the tips of his fingers, Leon still wasn't expecting Stahn to react so...vehemently.

After all, it's just a little cold. There are worse things in the world, and he's handled things like this alone in the past just fine.

But no, Leon really should have known better. After all, Stahn is caring and concerned for all of their friends; naturally, Leon would be no exception (or...maybe an exception in another way...?) and naturally Stahn is worried about him. Still, he's hardly able to come to that conclusion before Stahn's moving, grabbing his hands immediately and pulling them up before Leon even has the chance to react.]

W-what are you doing?!

[It's really obvious what Stahn's doing, really--

... And it's warm.

Stahn's hands are warm, and his breath is warm too, and Leon knows that if he pulls his hands away he'll be even colder than he was before, so he doesn't. It's embarrassing to be in this position, but feeling his fingers thaw is a little more important.

He'll pretend that's why he wants to stay here like this, instead of being really pleased that Stahn is holding his hands again, and that they're this close again. It's embarrassing, but... isn't he truly pleased about this? He is aware enough to recognize it in himself, because even if he's still unable to reach out for that sort of affection, even now... he won't stop Stahn from doing it. He definitely won't stop Stahn.

So even as verbally he fusses, and even as his expression is deeply flustered and embarrassed, there isn't a single moment where he tenses up or tries to pull away.]

They're cold, aren't they? You forgot your gloves again...

[he says it so simply, like there isn't even a second thought to his actions at all. he's concerned that leon will have a harder time warming up later (or worse) if he doesn't do this... shouldn't someone look out for his well-being when leon doesn't manage to do it for himself? it feels to stahn like he's never been good at doing those things. he always looked so capable on the outside, being accomplished and respected...

but in some ways, the fact that he's younger and wasn't raised with the same level of warmth that stahn was really shows. it also shows that he was pampered enough to never have to worry about taking some aspects of himself... and maybe that's okay. because stahn doesn't really mind having to do those things either; even if it's just something small like thing, being able to care for leon... it makes him happy.]

Just give me a minute, I'll get them warm. [he says that more to appease leon than anything else—just in case he's that uncomfortable with such a bold action out in the open. he can see that leon's embarrassed about it, after all. the fact that he's not pulling away is a good thing, but... just in case. that's why stahn offers him a bit of a lopsided smile before he lowers his head again, exhaling a few more warm breaths against leon's hands. his own hands rub against leon's a little in an attempt to further warm them. letting leon go cold is just!! not allowed!!

(plus, it gives him a reason to stay close to leon here and now, and how could he squander that opportunity?)]

I didn't intend to be out here long.

[That's all he says, a little grumpily and...a little sheepishly. For some reason, Stahn stating a simple fact like that makes him feel so guilty about it. Like he's somehow inconveniencing Stahn over something that never mattered before. Well--it'd always mattered, of course. If Leon's fingers froze, he'd be unable to wield his weapons, which in turn meant that he'd be useless. But so long as he didn't get frostbite, nobody really cared if he remembered his gloves or not.

It's strange, really.

But it is warm, and that's what really matters.

Leon ducks his head a little, peering up at Stahn through his bangs.]

But... it is fine either way.

[... Because he's warm now. That's why it's fine. Because he has Stahn here, so his fingers will never freeze, because he has someone else looking out for him now too.

It's strange, isn't it? It definitely is...very strange.]

[stahn feels that it's strange too; maybe because up until now, he's never felt this strongly about protecting even the smallest thing about another person beyond lilith. he cares deeply for all of his friends, of course... but they were all capable.

not that leon isn't, of course.

and not that lilith isn't.

but there's something different about them both, where even the slightest harm coming to them feels like such a personal affront that he can't do anything but his very best to keep them safe and happy. so it's not as if leon needs to feel guilty—stahn does this out of a pure desire to help the person who means so much to him.]

I guess it's my fault for keeping you out here, then. [he'll take the blame, even if leon's not placing it on him. there seems like there's a good chance leon would have returned to the inn by this point if stahn hadn't come outside, though.

so he can accept that.

he won't continue this for much longer, eventually standing a bit straighter and lowering their arms. he doesn't let go though, properly clasping both of leon's hands and hoping the grip through his oversized gloves will be enough to keep them warm. if they're not? he'll come up with something else. but he gives a reassuring squeeze before he asks:]

Do they feel warmer now?

It is your fault.

[He says it rather sniffily (this little snot), but there's no actual bite behind the words. In fact, if Leon was a bit less uptight, even now, it could almost have been a joke.

But he's still Leon, so it doesn't quite come across right to be a joke either. Just Leon being Leon. But his fingers are warm, though he...hesitates in answering. If he says yes, then Stahn will let go of his hands. He doesn't want that at all. In fact, he'd be much happier if Stahn would just... keep on holding them like this.

So that's worth a little white lie, right?

His fingers twitch in Stahn's grasp, before he looks away, almost petulant.]

... No. It is colder out here than you would think, and not all of us wear such heavy armor and clothing.

[He's full of shit, really.

But he just... isn't ready for Stahn to let go yet.]

Ah... yeah, I guess you're right.

[okay, so maybe he kind of knows that leon's probably exaggerating a little. it doesn't have to be explicitly obvious, he can tell by the fact that leon looks away that he's not being completely honest here.

...it's cute, though.

others probably would find it petulant, bratty, and maybe even completely unbearable. but to stahn, it's an endearing trait that is so leon that he couldn't imagine things any other way. it would be more strange for him to be forthcoming about it, though he does have hopes that one day... that one day, leon can be that comfortable with him.

for now though? he can work around it.]

I'll have to try something else then. Hold on... [sorry leon, but he's going to break that grip... and take off one of his gloves? what's he doing!]

Here, wear this. [he'll wait for leon to put that glove on, there's no refusing here. and once that's done, he'll take his now-bare hand and grasp leon's, giving it a small tug and guiding it into his pocket. from where they stand, nobody that approaches from behind would be able to tell—their capes shield it pretty well.] I'm not sure what else we could do if that doesn't work.

[except go inside, but they'd lose the strange amount of privacy they've somehow managed for being outside.]

[Stahn is humoring him, so that's all that matters. It means Leon doesn't have to fuss at all, because Stahn isn't calling out his blatant falsehoods. He can pretend Stahn totally hasn't figured him out already.

Except then Stahn breaks out of that grip and Leon can't quite help the way his face twists into what really is a petulant face. Hey!!! That is the opposite of what he wanted. But he does put the glove on, if reluctantly; it's too bitterly cold in the night air to do anything but comply right now.

And then... Stahn's grabbing his hand, and then they're that close, arms brushing, hands clasped together in Stahn's pocket. It's warm. It's warm and Leon wasn't prepared. For a long moment, he's just left staring at Stahn, blush definitely too stark to blame on the cold.

He clears his throat, shaking himself a little to stop acting so slack-jawed, and slowly glances back at Stahn. It's embarrassing to look at Stahn still, somehow. Ah...]

... This will have to do. It's warm enough, if nothing else.

[No... it's everything he wanted; he's closer to Stahn now too, and he's happy, but even still he can't quite put it into words. Even on the eve of a battle like this... he can't.]

[fortunately, stahn doesn't need leon to put things like this into words. why would he, when he can read leon so well in utter silence? he sees the slack-jawed stare, and the way his cheeks flush a bright shade of pink that is too vivid to be from the cold air alone. he also sees the way leon looks at him with that apprehensive sort of reluctance.

again, cute.

at least stahn can say the things that leon isn't so good with.]

Mm! I feel warmer already. [he squeezes leon's hand lightly, but shifts a bit to lace their fingers together comfortably—it's even warmer that way, so stahn finds it better. besides... it just feels like they're closer that way, somehow.]

It's almost too bad it's not this cold in Darilsheid. [stahn, what.

that's an odd statement coming from stahn, who dislikes the cold. but he's going to say something that is honestly... well, a bit bold, considering the approach they've been taking to their budding relationship thus far. but there's a playful smile on his lips.

he just likes this, okay?] It'll be harder to do things like this if it's so warm.

[not that stahn has an issue openly holding hands, of course. but he knows that leon wouldn't take well to that, especially not in darilsheid of all places. leon's not a guy that's totally unknown to the world; he's a prodigal knight of seinegald, after all. stahn can't even blame him for it, but still...

there's something exciting about being able to hold hands while breathing in the crisp outdoor air. it almost feels like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity right now.]

[Stahn, what.

Leon definitely doesn't want it to be this cold in Darilsheid; he's actually quite comfortable with Darilsheid's climate and doesn't want it to change and--

Oh. He gets it. And he gets where Stahn is coming from too. It's true that... Leon can't imagine holding hands like this in the middle of the pathway in Darilsheid. Too many people would notice. Too many people would look. Leon doesn't want to be in the center of all of that attention, and he isn't certain if such a relationship would cause difficulties with his position, or cause people to take him less seriously--

(But maybe it would get the girls to leave him alone, which is a tempting thought for half a second.)

But still, Stahn is going to drastic measures. Sure, Leon isn't one for PDA, but that doesn't mean that they can't make it work. So he just huddles a bit more into his clothing, searching for that warmth (and maybe just a tad bit closer to Stahn too, because Stahn is like a furnace) and huffs lightly.]

It does not need to be this cold to bundle up like this.

[It doesn't have to be this cold to do this again, in other words.

He'd accept it. Even in Darilsheid, he'd accept this.]

...Eh?

[okay, so that actually throws stahn for a loop. there were a lot of responses he was expecting.

"what are you insinuating?" or "what kind of ridiculous idea are you getting in your head now?"

but it's not either of those. it's... well, it's a very leon way of saying that they'll find a way to make it work, that they'll be able to share these moments even as they begin a new life in darilsheid. that's enough for stahn. at a time like this, when the entire world feels so uncertain—when the only guarantee they'll survive tomorrow is based in promises they want to keep—it's just what he needs. somehow, it eases so many of his worries. more than leon confirming their plans, more than standing here with hands interlocked... the knowing that leon wants these things is really what he needs to hear.]

Leon... [he finally says, the surprise obvious in his tone now that he's had a minute to process what those words mean. but even though there's surprise, there's obvious happiness... and maybe even relief that filters in through his tone.

and maybe that's why he can't help himself when he pulls leon into the most awkwardly positioned hug of all time. and it's definitely that, considering their hands are still in his pocket and it takes a bit of maneuvering to even be able to throw his free arm over leon in that way.

but he can't help it.

he's been good about respecting leon's boundaries and trying to hard not to overstep them, taking things at a slower pace in order to get him used to all the change. but he feels so strangely overjoyed at the ways that leon accepts their situation that he can't help himself. it'd probably be easier to blame it on the tension he's quietly been carrying about dealing with greybaum and finishing the mission—it's not totally untrue, after all. the stakes were high, and even if leon was used to this sort of thing, it's new for stahn.

he just wants to be a little closer and really express how happy he is about the choices they're making together... even if he does expect leon to shove him away and get huffy about it all. leon was still the same person who'd draw his sword in place of a handshake if he felt that way about someone, after all.]

[Leon really hadn't thought that it was that big of a deal. All he'd said is that... they could still bundle up in Darilsheid sometimes. It wasn't as though it was always entirely warm there, after all. It wasn't a big deal either way, and Leon has no idea why Stahn sounds and looks so overwhelmed by this.

(Or maybe he does know, a little, or at least has an inkling of why this is so important to Stahn, but it's embarrassing so he pretends he doesn't.)

Still, naturally, he's so thoroughly overwhelmed by both Stahn's tone and by his awkward hug; he wasn't expecting it from their position or in general. This is enough affection that he does freeze, if only because he doesn't know what to do with it or how to react... and it doesn't help that it's really just not a comfortable position in general. Stahn awkwardly throws an arm around him and Leon finds his face smushed against Stahn's chest (ow) and after a moment, he recovers enough to fuss a little, except none of his words are even remotely audible because of said face squishing.

They're very Fussed words though, don't worry, the tone is exactly what you would expect from Leon.

And... this is warm, it really is, and he sort of appreciates it. Probably. He's not sure; this is definitely a very different situation than when they were sitting together by the fire that one evening, and he's not sure what to make of this one. (Even if truly, it's never bad to be close enough to Stahn to hear his breathing.)

But his hand is still all tangled up with Stahn's (and Stahn's jacket) so he can't actually untangle himself either. Nope. He's stuck.

Ugh!!]

[oops.

he really just has such a hard time helping himself. stahn knows it's an awkward and uncomfortable hug, but there's such a feeling of relief that surges through him because of leon's words that can't be ignored.

all the same, he knows that leon can't enjoy this, right? they're positioned strangely, it came with no warning, and it completely ignores his personal space. maybe one day, it'll be more possible to do this comfortably and without warning, but this time doesn't qualify. he knows that, and can tell from the tone of those muffled words he can't make out. and the squirming to untangle himself, of course. that's why after a moment, stahn will loosen his grip and pull back a bit (though never letting go of leon's hand, even still).]

Ah... sorry. Sorry. [with his other arm now free, he reaches up to scratch his head a bit sheepishly; there's a laugh that goes along with it that's definitely embarrassed and apologetic for his sudden outburst.]

I guess that was too much, right? [he doesn't want to make leon uncomfortable, no matter how happy those words a moment earlier made him. that's just not how he wants to about this as all, and it shows in the way he's immediately so apologetic in every way for crossing that line—or what he can only presume is crossing that line.

even if he suspects that there are things leon likes about it, he's positive that springing it so suddenly out in the open probably negates a lot of that. his bad, really.]

[Ah....

And then, just like that, he's released.

Leon blinks as the cold air hits his face suddenly, a little off-balance from everything happening that fast. Stahn's still...trying so hard to respect his needs and boundaries, isn't he? Unlike before, though, where he was grumpy about it, he's pretty relieved this time; as much as he enjoys having Stahn's affection and attention (even if he'll never admit it), that was just uncomfortable and a little Too Much.

Besides.

Their hands are still intertwined, and that's what really matters.

Leon's shoulders slump a little as he settles, breathing out and watching his breath crystalize in the air. This is...fine. Yes. Fine.]

... Stop apologizing. You should think before you act sometimes. [But there's really no bite behind it; Stahn being warm and affectionate is part of what Leon likes about him, so it's not like he's really that upset over this.]

That's all.

[It wasn't necessarily...too much...or that he's against it... just that he wasn't ready, and it was uncomfortable, and all of it combined that left Leon reacting so sharply. But he's not trying to pull away his hand at all, so he seems perfectly content here.]

[it's nice, if nothing else, that they can have a situation like this and it doesn't end in an argument or leon walking away angrily. he can tell that there's no bite behind his words; it barely constitutes as a scolding when it's like this.

if anything, it's nice to hear leon tell him thinks like that. reassuring him that it's not really something he should apologize for—that's not so bad. there's a strange, quiet understanding that comes with it—leon's not angry with him, he just wasn't ready for that sudden outburst. stahn can't blame him for that, and he doesn't.... but it still feels like an immense relief of sorts to hear it directly from leon.

or... well, as direct as it gets in this sort of situation.

it's fine. this is fine.]

Right. I'll be more careful next time. [whenever "next time" may be. but there will definitely be a next time, because stahn is in no way giving up on the notion of more physical affection. even if it's only when they're alone and away from prying eyes, and even if it takes a long time to make progress. waiting... is okay.

but he wants to be able to feel leon's warmth more than he already does. for someone with a cool exterior, he knows that leon has a lot of warmth to give. it may not burn hot the way his own does; it's much more grounded, and maybe that's appropriate for their elemental affiliations. but when he has his fingers locked with leon's this way, he can feel a gentle sort of warmth that he knows leon possesses. it's enough for now but... stahn's selfish enough to want a lot more, and for other people to recognize it exists in leon, too.

for now though, this is okay. standing here with just this small spark of warmth against a freezing cold night in a snowy mountain capital... it's okay like this. he's perfectly content with it.]

[Of course there's going to be a next time. Leon should probably leave that alone. He should probably not question that, and let Stahn have it, and just... move on. And not think about Stahn clinging to more affection. He should definitely not think of Stahn hugging him later, properly when there's no chance of anyone seeing them and...

Wanting that.

No, that's ridiculous, but it does make his face burn a little that he's even thinking it. It's really a good thing that Stahn can't read minds, but he's just going to casually look away and cough under his breath. Embarrassing. He's getting in over his head. Maybe he's just tired from the mission, and that's where these weird thoughts are coming from.

Yes, that must be it. What a relief. That's all there is to it. So he just won't ask, and everything will be--]

"Next time"?

[Dammit.]

Mm!

[there's no hesitation in that response. this is something stahn has decided, and it's not something that his mind can't on, either. he can be just as stubborn when he wants to be, and this qualifies.

not that he really thinks leon would try to change his mind. stahn can see that he's embarrassed, but his reaction says something else. it's not outright refusal; he's not being told his idea is ridiculous or absurd, and leon's not calling him and idiot for it either. but he seems... taken aback and embarrassed, and maybe just curious about what stahn means by that. which is okay. he's not sheepish about it. he may be cautious in his actions and many of his words... but he's straightforward and sincere in his intentions, and that's something he always wants leon to be aware of.

because this is him. this is... stahn, through and through.]

I won't rush, though! I'll make sure to ask first. Not like just now. [he grins, warm and wide. maybe leon's not actually looking, but that's fine too. he just wants to express these things. he just... wants to be close to leon, whenever he can.] I guess I got a little carried away this time. But we have time, right? After tomorrow... we'll have plenty of time.

[... It's such a warm thought, but the sort of warmth that he's never had. It's nothing like anything he's ever heard from Chal or from Marian. No, this is... this is something else entirely, but he likes it. If he had to put a word to it, he'd have to say that it's like togetherness, and the sort of assured togetherness that he has never had before. Stahn won't leave him, huh? It's as simple as that, as simple as Stahn's grin and warmth and everything he does. Stahn has always been a simple person.

But maybe simplicity isn't bad sometimes.

In times like these, isn't it good?

Because there's something so pleasant about it--about hearing that they'll have time after tomorrow. After they win, they're going to have so much time... together. To figure things out. To learn how to live together. To figure out these feelings. To learn how to be content with the right sort of affection.

For once, it's really not daunting at all for Leon. Because it's obvious that Stahn doesn't mind that it's going to take Leon some time. Stahn doesn't mind that he's still trying to figure this out. Stahn is...well, he's Stahn. Just as he always is. Dependable, warm, and simple.

Maybe there really is nothing wrong with treating this simply.

Leon's fingers curl around Stahn's in his pocket just a little bit, but otherwise he just gives an acknowledging noise in response.]

... I see.

[He... likes this. He wants this. He wants what the future promises that it will bring, and it's a strange feeling and one that makes his heart jump a little in his chest. Is this what it feels like to be excited for the future?]

You always get carried away. I doubt that is going to change in the future either.

[But honestly, he's fine with that too, even if he's slightly scolding Stahn now.]

... But yes. After tomorrow, there will be more time. [Rather--] We will have time.

[Together.]

Ehehe, probably not! Gramps always said I wouldn't be me if I changed too much.

[he says it with a laugh—stahn is obviously very accepting with leon's statement. he gets carried away a lot, and sometimes that does bite him in the ass. but it's a part of the person he is, and he thinks something would be lost if he didn't put the whole of his enthusiasm into all of his actions.

in some ways, it feels like it goes doubly so when it comes to leon. leon is reserved; he's not used to grand gestures, warmth, genuine kindness. he's not used to things like pure affection, and receiving love from other people. stahn knows this, he understands it. it's something of a barrier that they've been working towards trying to overcome since the revelation that these feelings exist at all. but he wants to bit-by-bit, part-by-part to remove all the stones that make up those walls. so that leon can let him in wholly, so that they can not be separated by something built up from pain and conditioning.

sure, it means that stahn will get carried away. it means he'll cross lines unknowingly and have to backtrack. it means that he'll have to temper himself sometimes, and it means that leon is going to be overwhelmed by him in news ways at other times.

but that's okay right?

because they'll be together.

they'll be together, and they'll somehow figure out how to make all the pieces fit together.

that's what stahn wants. after meeting ilene in noischtat, she'd posed a question. what were his ideals? what were his dreams?]

You know... one time, I talked to Ilene about what I wanted in the future. I didn't really know then, though. I said "I want to raise a happy family... and by becoming a soldier, I can reach that goal."

[it's a thought that seems to come out of the blue, but it's not as if he's ignoring what leon is saying at all. if anything, it's an acknowledgement that leon sees things in the same way he does right now. and it's a means of expressing things he may not have been entirely clear about before. he rubs his thumb in a bit of a circular motion over the back of leon's hand as he continues that thought.]

But now... I can see that's probably not the way for me. I still have a lot to learn, and a lot to see. And I think... I have a lot of time to figure it out. But— [his gaze shifts towards the sky.

(of course, this night before the final battle monologue had to come eventually, right?)] I'm happy like this, Leon. I don't know when I'll figure out everything, but... I like knowing you'll be there. I feel like... we'll both learn and grow a lot because of this choice.

[there's a warm fondness to his tone—it's a surprisingly thoughtful sentiment, and one he's obviously considering closely and carefully. he has no regrets about the choices they're making, and he's further just elated that leon wants to walk this path with him. neither of them really knows what will happen next, but... they'll figure it out.

together.]

[It does come out of the blue a little, but nonetheless Leon can't help but listen. He's found over time that stopping and just... listening to Stahn can be surprisingly rewarding. From the first time he surprised him while Leon was teaching him sword technique to the times following that Stahn had input, ideas or thoughts that really helped him in so many ways that he could never put into words, listening to Stahn was...a worthwhile idea.

And now it's about Stahn, and his future, and if Leon had to really admit it, he'd have to admit that their futures are intertwined now. If Stahn is talking about his future, it concerns Leon too. That's...what they've agreed to now. That's what they're trying here. A future where they walk hand-in-hand, much like this, even if they have to hide it in pockets and sneaky little gestures.

It's still a future that he wants, even if Leon pulls away sometimes. Even if he tries to hide it at others. And even if he overreacts, or is flustered, or fusses...he still wants it.

And that's why he has to listen.

Stahn's goals... well, he'd really only known about the wanting to be a soldier, though raising a happy family sounds so Stahn that for a moment, Leon's chest actually aches. He's not going to be able to accomplish that with him, because Leon's just... not a familial person. For so many reasons, in so many ways, he's not suited to having a family, not in the way Stahn would want one. But...doesn't he deserve it?

Leon breathes out slowly, expression flat and carefully stoic, but Stahn's gesture of rubbing his thumb along Leon's hand keeps him grounded. He doesn't jump to conclusions here, not when the gesture is practically asking him to stay calm and to wait.

And... it's rewarded. Stahn says he's happy like this. Stahn says that this is what he wants. Stahn says...

Leon's quiet for a moment, contemplative; he inspects the path before them, and the snow piled around, even as the currently falling snow rests on his lashes and hair. Maybe they will. Leon's pretty sure that he would grow a lot due to this choice, and so would Stahn. But is it really the right choice for him? Stahn is still figuring things out, he said so himself, so...will he realize that this isn't what he actually wants? Will he realize that raising a family is even more important to him than--

Quietly, he sighs, and his fingers loosen from where they'd been tightening on Stahn's hand. No... this is a matter of trust, isn't it? If Stahn was making the wrong decision...]

... And how do you know that now, you've found the right way? How do you know that this is the correct decision?

[How...can Stahn know that for certain? But for Leon, it's said remarkably calmly, despite how the thought of Stahn later changing his mind is a frightening one. No--this is...well, it's important, isn't it? Leon's an inherently selfish person, but he has a good heart, too, and if Stahn is making the wrong choice, he won't hold him to it. He wants Stahn to be happy too, even if he's not as good at showing or saying it.]

I don't know for sure. We can't tell the future, right?

[his words come out so easily, and he says it with a tone that has an edge of lightheartedness to it; almost as if that concern is the furthest thing from his mind. because honestly? it is.

stahn hasn't missed the shift in leon's body language that comes with that question. not in how his grip loosens, or how he emits that sigh that shows a few things. doubts. he's not sure if it's doubt in himself or in stahn, but he knows they're there. if he's questioning these choices, maybe he's not so sure. that's what leon is afraid after all, isn't he? stahn knows he doesn't want to be alone; he knows that leon has been lonely for a long time. so it's not as if he can blame leon for worrying.

but that's exactly why stahn's grip doesn't relent. it's why he holds on tighter, and why he shifts his gaze to look at leon with the same warmth that's always present in him. there's no doubt that everything he says and does (right now, especially) is completely sincere. there are no airs to it, there are no ulterior motives, there is nothing at all about him that even gives off a semblance of insincerity, or even of insecurity.]

But I don't think it's wrong. I don't think it can be wrong. I told you... I'm happy this way. [he smiles brightly. he doesn't even think he needs to repeat the obvious: he's happy with leon. he's happy to be with leon, he's happy at the notion of building a future with leon. he's happy for the promises he wants to keep, and happy for the fact that leon is accepting of it. he has too much to be happy for right now.]

Even if some of the decisions we make along the way are wrong, I think we can find the right way together. Even if what I said to Ilene is somehow true... I'll find a way without leaving you behind, Leon. [whatever that may be. can they build a family together? he isn't sure, because he hadn't thought of it.

but if there's a way to do it and leon wanted to take that road? stahn absolutely would.]

I don't know what will happen, but if something about this choice is wrong, we'll find a way to make it right. [he's not going to break his promise. he's not going to leave leon... that much is what stahn is most certain of. even if everything else he does ends up being a mistake along the way, he knows that this choice is one he wants to live with.

they've been through so much together already, even before making this decision. how could he ever think of walking away from it? leon is too important to him for that.]

[When he meets Stahn's gaze like that, and when there's that much warmth and certainty in his expression, it's hard to do anything but believe. Leon has to believe in the words Stahn is saying, because Stahn believes in them. He believes in them with his entire heart and soul, and what Stahn believes in--well, it must come true, right? They've come a long way together, but what Leon has learned from Stahn is that when he really pours himself into something with all of his being, nothing can stop him from accomplishing that goal.

So it's okay to trust in him, isn't it?

Leon thinks that here and now, it really is okay. Because even after all of that, Stahn's certain that this is the right decision. Even after all of that, Stahn says that even if things go wrong, they'll make it the right decision, and that is what really settles him in the end. After those words, his shoulders slump in what can only be relief, and while he looks away in what's probably embarrassment, it might also be to hide the fact that his lips are quirked into a small smile despite himself.

They'll...make it right, is that right?

For the very first time since beginning this, Leon actually feels completely confident in it. It's as if those words have made thing click for him, and now he can understand. It fits with his world view--sure, it may not be the perfectly right decision, and things may still go wrong, but if so...they'll just make it right.

It's so beautifully simple.]

Of course. In that case... I, Leon Magnus, will take on any challenge that might try to stand in my way.

[He's so over the top sometimes, but on the other hand... maybe it's the relief. The relief that it makes sense to him now, and that he has something he can believe in completely. Stahn and he...they'll just make everything that goes wrong right.]

Naturally, in that case, we shall be successful.

[that confidence and over-the-top response is... so very leon. it's so very leon in the best way possible, really.

it brings the brightest of grins to his face, because for the first time, he feels like leon is committed to what they're doing now. even though he knows that it wasn't a decision that was made lightly (leon doesn't make true snap decisions, after all), there's always been an edge of uncertainty that followed it. the slight reluctance and nervousness, and maybe even a lack of trust that stahn would follow through on his word.

stahn doesn't blame him for that, of course. the idea of what they're doing is still new to him too, after all. when this journey started, he was sure that he just needed to prove himself as worthy enough to be a soldier, he was sure that leon would be a valuable ally that could help him improve his swordsmanship. he expected friendship at best—never what it's turn out to be. he didn't expect the invigorating feeling of holding hands, he didn't expect the way his heart pounds so fast on those rare occasions where leon smiles. he didn't expect that even something as simple as agreeing on their choices could make him feel a little breathless.]

Right. We've never lost before, so there's no reason to start now! [they're a good team, after all. on the battlefield, they've always been good at covering each other's backs, especially as times when they were the only melee fighters in the group. and if they could do that... well, they'd be good partners in any situation, stahn is sure of it.

it's strange, to be on the same page with leon in this sort of way. but it's a good kind of strange. it's the kind of strange he wants to embrace, or bottle. it's the kind of strange he knows will carry him through. they have so much to look forward to once tomorrow is through, and any doubts he may have had about that... or about their status are completely erased now. even if they're just standing there hand-in-hand, watching their breath in the cold air as they were before... it feels different. warmer. more secure.

if this is what the future holds, there's no way stahn made the wrong decision. it's just impossible, right? it has to be. this is... the right choice for them.]

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Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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