you can't spell "alone" without "leon" (
discard) wrote in
realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
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Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

[this is a catch-all for boyfriends
here's a list
- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]
no subject
again, cute.
at least stahn can say the things that leon isn't so good with.]
Mm! I feel warmer already. [he squeezes leon's hand lightly, but shifts a bit to lace their fingers together comfortably—it's even warmer that way, so stahn finds it better. besides... it just feels like they're closer that way, somehow.]
It's almost too bad it's not this cold in Darilsheid. [stahn, what.
that's an odd statement coming from stahn, who dislikes the cold. but he's going to say something that is honestly... well, a bit bold, considering the approach they've been taking to their budding relationship thus far. but there's a playful smile on his lips.
he just likes this, okay?] It'll be harder to do things like this if it's so warm.
[not that stahn has an issue openly holding hands, of course. but he knows that leon wouldn't take well to that, especially not in darilsheid of all places. leon's not a guy that's totally unknown to the world; he's a prodigal knight of seinegald, after all. stahn can't even blame him for it, but still...
there's something exciting about being able to hold hands while breathing in the crisp outdoor air. it almost feels like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity right now.]
no subject
Leon definitely doesn't want it to be this cold in Darilsheid; he's actually quite comfortable with Darilsheid's climate and doesn't want it to change and--
Oh. He gets it. And he gets where Stahn is coming from too. It's true that... Leon can't imagine holding hands like this in the middle of the pathway in Darilsheid. Too many people would notice. Too many people would look. Leon doesn't want to be in the center of all of that attention, and he isn't certain if such a relationship would cause difficulties with his position, or cause people to take him less seriously--
(But maybe it would get the girls to leave him alone, which is a tempting thought for half a second.)
But still, Stahn is going to drastic measures. Sure, Leon isn't one for PDA, but that doesn't mean that they can't make it work. So he just huddles a bit more into his clothing, searching for that warmth (and maybe just a tad bit closer to Stahn too, because Stahn is like a furnace) and huffs lightly.]
It does not need to be this cold to bundle up like this.
[It doesn't have to be this cold to do this again, in other words.
He'd accept it. Even in Darilsheid, he'd accept this.]
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[okay, so that actually throws stahn for a loop. there were a lot of responses he was expecting.
"what are you insinuating?" or "what kind of ridiculous idea are you getting in your head now?"
but it's not either of those. it's... well, it's a very leon way of saying that they'll find a way to make it work, that they'll be able to share these moments even as they begin a new life in darilsheid. that's enough for stahn. at a time like this, when the entire world feels so uncertain—when the only guarantee they'll survive tomorrow is based in promises they want to keep—it's just what he needs. somehow, it eases so many of his worries. more than leon confirming their plans, more than standing here with hands interlocked... the knowing that leon wants these things is really what he needs to hear.]
Leon... [he finally says, the surprise obvious in his tone now that he's had a minute to process what those words mean. but even though there's surprise, there's obvious happiness... and maybe even relief that filters in through his tone.
and maybe that's why he can't help himself when he pulls leon into the most awkwardly positioned hug of all time. and it's definitely that, considering their hands are still in his pocket and it takes a bit of maneuvering to even be able to throw his free arm over leon in that way.
but he can't help it.
he's been good about respecting leon's boundaries and trying to hard not to overstep them, taking things at a slower pace in order to get him used to all the change. but he feels so strangely overjoyed at the ways that leon accepts their situation that he can't help himself. it'd probably be easier to blame it on the tension he's quietly been carrying about dealing with greybaum and finishing the mission—it's not totally untrue, after all. the stakes were high, and even if leon was used to this sort of thing, it's new for stahn.
he just wants to be a little closer and really express how happy he is about the choices they're making together... even if he does expect leon to shove him away and get huffy about it all. leon was still the same person who'd draw his sword in place of a handshake if he felt that way about someone, after all.]
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(Or maybe he does know, a little, or at least has an inkling of why this is so important to Stahn, but it's embarrassing so he pretends he doesn't.)
Still, naturally, he's so thoroughly overwhelmed by both Stahn's tone and by his awkward hug; he wasn't expecting it from their position or in general. This is enough affection that he does freeze, if only because he doesn't know what to do with it or how to react... and it doesn't help that it's really just not a comfortable position in general. Stahn awkwardly throws an arm around him and Leon finds his face smushed against Stahn's chest (ow) and after a moment, he recovers enough to fuss a little, except none of his words are even remotely audible because of said face squishing.
They're very Fussed words though, don't worry, the tone is exactly what you would expect from Leon.
And... this is warm, it really is, and he sort of appreciates it. Probably. He's not sure; this is definitely a very different situation than when they were sitting together by the fire that one evening, and he's not sure what to make of this one. (Even if truly, it's never bad to be close enough to Stahn to hear his breathing.)
But his hand is still all tangled up with Stahn's (and Stahn's jacket) so he can't actually untangle himself either. Nope. He's stuck.
Ugh!!]
no subject
he really just has such a hard time helping himself. stahn knows it's an awkward and uncomfortable hug, but there's such a feeling of relief that surges through him because of leon's words that can't be ignored.
all the same, he knows that leon can't enjoy this, right? they're positioned strangely, it came with no warning, and it completely ignores his personal space. maybe one day, it'll be more possible to do this comfortably and without warning, but this time doesn't qualify. he knows that, and can tell from the tone of those muffled words he can't make out. and the squirming to untangle himself, of course. that's why after a moment, stahn will loosen his grip and pull back a bit (though never letting go of leon's hand, even still).]
Ah... sorry. Sorry. [with his other arm now free, he reaches up to scratch his head a bit sheepishly; there's a laugh that goes along with it that's definitely embarrassed and apologetic for his sudden outburst.]
I guess that was too much, right? [he doesn't want to make leon uncomfortable, no matter how happy those words a moment earlier made him. that's just not how he wants to about this as all, and it shows in the way he's immediately so apologetic in every way for crossing that line—or what he can only presume is crossing that line.
even if he suspects that there are things leon likes about it, he's positive that springing it so suddenly out in the open probably negates a lot of that. his bad, really.]
no subject
And then, just like that, he's released.
Leon blinks as the cold air hits his face suddenly, a little off-balance from everything happening that fast. Stahn's still...trying so hard to respect his needs and boundaries, isn't he? Unlike before, though, where he was grumpy about it, he's pretty relieved this time; as much as he enjoys having Stahn's affection and attention (even if he'll never admit it), that was just uncomfortable and a little Too Much.
Besides.
Their hands are still intertwined, and that's what really matters.
Leon's shoulders slump a little as he settles, breathing out and watching his breath crystalize in the air. This is...fine. Yes. Fine.]
... Stop apologizing. You should think before you act sometimes. [But there's really no bite behind it; Stahn being warm and affectionate is part of what Leon likes about him, so it's not like he's really that upset over this.]
That's all.
[It wasn't necessarily...too much...or that he's against it... just that he wasn't ready, and it was uncomfortable, and all of it combined that left Leon reacting so sharply. But he's not trying to pull away his hand at all, so he seems perfectly content here.]
no subject
if anything, it's nice to hear leon tell him thinks like that. reassuring him that it's not really something he should apologize for—that's not so bad. there's a strange, quiet understanding that comes with it—leon's not angry with him, he just wasn't ready for that sudden outburst. stahn can't blame him for that, and he doesn't.... but it still feels like an immense relief of sorts to hear it directly from leon.
or... well, as direct as it gets in this sort of situation.
it's fine. this is fine.]
Right. I'll be more careful next time. [whenever "next time" may be. but there will definitely be a next time, because stahn is in no way giving up on the notion of more physical affection. even if it's only when they're alone and away from prying eyes, and even if it takes a long time to make progress. waiting... is okay.
but he wants to be able to feel leon's warmth more than he already does. for someone with a cool exterior, he knows that leon has a lot of warmth to give. it may not burn hot the way his own does; it's much more grounded, and maybe that's appropriate for their elemental affiliations. but when he has his fingers locked with leon's this way, he can feel a gentle sort of warmth that he knows leon possesses. it's enough for now but... stahn's selfish enough to want a lot more, and for other people to recognize it exists in leon, too.
for now though, this is okay. standing here with just this small spark of warmth against a freezing cold night in a snowy mountain capital... it's okay like this. he's perfectly content with it.]
no subject
Wanting that.
No, that's ridiculous, but it does make his face burn a little that he's even thinking it. It's really a good thing that Stahn can't read minds, but he's just going to casually look away and cough under his breath. Embarrassing. He's getting in over his head. Maybe he's just tired from the mission, and that's where these weird thoughts are coming from.
Yes, that must be it. What a relief. That's all there is to it. So he just won't ask, and everything will be--]
"Next time"?
[Dammit.]
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[there's no hesitation in that response. this is something stahn has decided, and it's not something that his mind can't on, either. he can be just as stubborn when he wants to be, and this qualifies.
not that he really thinks leon would try to change his mind. stahn can see that he's embarrassed, but his reaction says something else. it's not outright refusal; he's not being told his idea is ridiculous or absurd, and leon's not calling him and idiot for it either. but he seems... taken aback and embarrassed, and maybe just curious about what stahn means by that. which is okay. he's not sheepish about it. he may be cautious in his actions and many of his words... but he's straightforward and sincere in his intentions, and that's something he always wants leon to be aware of.
because this is him. this is... stahn, through and through.]
I won't rush, though! I'll make sure to ask first. Not like just now. [he grins, warm and wide. maybe leon's not actually looking, but that's fine too. he just wants to express these things. he just... wants to be close to leon, whenever he can.] I guess I got a little carried away this time. But we have time, right? After tomorrow... we'll have plenty of time.
no subject
But maybe simplicity isn't bad sometimes.
In times like these, isn't it good?
Because there's something so pleasant about it--about hearing that they'll have time after tomorrow. After they win, they're going to have so much time... together. To figure things out. To learn how to live together. To figure out these feelings. To learn how to be content with the right sort of affection.
For once, it's really not daunting at all for Leon. Because it's obvious that Stahn doesn't mind that it's going to take Leon some time. Stahn doesn't mind that he's still trying to figure this out. Stahn is...well, he's Stahn. Just as he always is. Dependable, warm, and simple.
Maybe there really is nothing wrong with treating this simply.
Leon's fingers curl around Stahn's in his pocket just a little bit, but otherwise he just gives an acknowledging noise in response.]
... I see.
[He... likes this. He wants this. He wants what the future promises that it will bring, and it's a strange feeling and one that makes his heart jump a little in his chest. Is this what it feels like to be excited for the future?]
You always get carried away. I doubt that is going to change in the future either.
[But honestly, he's fine with that too, even if he's slightly scolding Stahn now.]
... But yes. After tomorrow, there will be more time. [Rather--] We will have time.
[Together.]
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[he says it with a laugh—stahn is obviously very accepting with leon's statement. he gets carried away a lot, and sometimes that does bite him in the ass. but it's a part of the person he is, and he thinks something would be lost if he didn't put the whole of his enthusiasm into all of his actions.
in some ways, it feels like it goes doubly so when it comes to leon. leon is reserved; he's not used to grand gestures, warmth, genuine kindness. he's not used to things like pure affection, and receiving love from other people. stahn knows this, he understands it. it's something of a barrier that they've been working towards trying to overcome since the revelation that these feelings exist at all. but he wants to bit-by-bit, part-by-part to remove all the stones that make up those walls. so that leon can let him in wholly, so that they can not be separated by something built up from pain and conditioning.
sure, it means that stahn will get carried away. it means he'll cross lines unknowingly and have to backtrack. it means that he'll have to temper himself sometimes, and it means that leon is going to be overwhelmed by him in news ways at other times.
but that's okay right?
because they'll be together.
they'll be together, and they'll somehow figure out how to make all the pieces fit together.
that's what stahn wants. after meeting ilene in noischtat, she'd posed a question. what were his ideals? what were his dreams?]
You know... one time, I talked to Ilene about what I wanted in the future. I didn't really know then, though. I said "I want to raise a happy family... and by becoming a soldier, I can reach that goal."
[it's a thought that seems to come out of the blue, but it's not as if he's ignoring what leon is saying at all. if anything, it's an acknowledgement that leon sees things in the same way he does right now. and it's a means of expressing things he may not have been entirely clear about before. he rubs his thumb in a bit of a circular motion over the back of leon's hand as he continues that thought.]
But now... I can see that's probably not the way for me. I still have a lot to learn, and a lot to see. And I think... I have a lot of time to figure it out. But— [his gaze shifts towards the sky.
(of course, this night before the final battle monologue had to come eventually, right?)] I'm happy like this, Leon. I don't know when I'll figure out everything, but... I like knowing you'll be there. I feel like... we'll both learn and grow a lot because of this choice.
[there's a warm fondness to his tone—it's a surprisingly thoughtful sentiment, and one he's obviously considering closely and carefully. he has no regrets about the choices they're making, and he's further just elated that leon wants to walk this path with him. neither of them really knows what will happen next, but... they'll figure it out.
together.]
no subject
And now it's about Stahn, and his future, and if Leon had to really admit it, he'd have to admit that their futures are intertwined now. If Stahn is talking about his future, it concerns Leon too. That's...what they've agreed to now. That's what they're trying here. A future where they walk hand-in-hand, much like this, even if they have to hide it in pockets and sneaky little gestures.
It's still a future that he wants, even if Leon pulls away sometimes. Even if he tries to hide it at others. And even if he overreacts, or is flustered, or fusses...he still wants it.
And that's why he has to listen.
Stahn's goals... well, he'd really only known about the wanting to be a soldier, though raising a happy family sounds so Stahn that for a moment, Leon's chest actually aches. He's not going to be able to accomplish that with him, because Leon's just... not a familial person. For so many reasons, in so many ways, he's not suited to having a family, not in the way Stahn would want one. But...doesn't he deserve it?
Leon breathes out slowly, expression flat and carefully stoic, but Stahn's gesture of rubbing his thumb along Leon's hand keeps him grounded. He doesn't jump to conclusions here, not when the gesture is practically asking him to stay calm and to wait.
And... it's rewarded. Stahn says he's happy like this. Stahn says that this is what he wants. Stahn says...
Leon's quiet for a moment, contemplative; he inspects the path before them, and the snow piled around, even as the currently falling snow rests on his lashes and hair. Maybe they will. Leon's pretty sure that he would grow a lot due to this choice, and so would Stahn. But is it really the right choice for him? Stahn is still figuring things out, he said so himself, so...will he realize that this isn't what he actually wants? Will he realize that raising a family is even more important to him than--
Quietly, he sighs, and his fingers loosen from where they'd been tightening on Stahn's hand. No... this is a matter of trust, isn't it? If Stahn was making the wrong decision...]
... And how do you know that now, you've found the right way? How do you know that this is the correct decision?
[How...can Stahn know that for certain? But for Leon, it's said remarkably calmly, despite how the thought of Stahn later changing his mind is a frightening one. No--this is...well, it's important, isn't it? Leon's an inherently selfish person, but he has a good heart, too, and if Stahn is making the wrong choice, he won't hold him to it. He wants Stahn to be happy too, even if he's not as good at showing or saying it.]
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[his words come out so easily, and he says it with a tone that has an edge of lightheartedness to it; almost as if that concern is the furthest thing from his mind. because honestly? it is.
stahn hasn't missed the shift in leon's body language that comes with that question. not in how his grip loosens, or how he emits that sigh that shows a few things. doubts. he's not sure if it's doubt in himself or in stahn, but he knows they're there. if he's questioning these choices, maybe he's not so sure. that's what leon is afraid after all, isn't he? stahn knows he doesn't want to be alone; he knows that leon has been lonely for a long time. so it's not as if he can blame leon for worrying.
but that's exactly why stahn's grip doesn't relent. it's why he holds on tighter, and why he shifts his gaze to look at leon with the same warmth that's always present in him. there's no doubt that everything he says and does (right now, especially) is completely sincere. there are no airs to it, there are no ulterior motives, there is nothing at all about him that even gives off a semblance of insincerity, or even of insecurity.]
But I don't think it's wrong. I don't think it can be wrong. I told you... I'm happy this way. [he smiles brightly. he doesn't even think he needs to repeat the obvious: he's happy with leon. he's happy to be with leon, he's happy at the notion of building a future with leon. he's happy for the promises he wants to keep, and happy for the fact that leon is accepting of it. he has too much to be happy for right now.]
Even if some of the decisions we make along the way are wrong, I think we can find the right way together. Even if what I said to Ilene is somehow true... I'll find a way without leaving you behind, Leon. [whatever that may be. can they build a family together? he isn't sure, because he hadn't thought of it.
but if there's a way to do it and leon wanted to take that road? stahn absolutely would.]
I don't know what will happen, but if something about this choice is wrong, we'll find a way to make it right. [he's not going to break his promise. he's not going to leave leon... that much is what stahn is most certain of. even if everything else he does ends up being a mistake along the way, he knows that this choice is one he wants to live with.
they've been through so much together already, even before making this decision. how could he ever think of walking away from it? leon is too important to him for that.]
no subject
So it's okay to trust in him, isn't it?
Leon thinks that here and now, it really is okay. Because even after all of that, Stahn's certain that this is the right decision. Even after all of that, Stahn says that even if things go wrong, they'll make it the right decision, and that is what really settles him in the end. After those words, his shoulders slump in what can only be relief, and while he looks away in what's probably embarrassment, it might also be to hide the fact that his lips are quirked into a small smile despite himself.
They'll...make it right, is that right?
For the very first time since beginning this, Leon actually feels completely confident in it. It's as if those words have made thing click for him, and now he can understand. It fits with his world view--sure, it may not be the perfectly right decision, and things may still go wrong, but if so...they'll just make it right.
It's so beautifully simple.]
Of course. In that case... I, Leon Magnus, will take on any challenge that might try to stand in my way.
[He's so over the top sometimes, but on the other hand... maybe it's the relief. The relief that it makes sense to him now, and that he has something he can believe in completely. Stahn and he...they'll just make everything that goes wrong right.]
Naturally, in that case, we shall be successful.
no subject
it brings the brightest of grins to his face, because for the first time, he feels like leon is committed to what they're doing now. even though he knows that it wasn't a decision that was made lightly (leon doesn't make true snap decisions, after all), there's always been an edge of uncertainty that followed it. the slight reluctance and nervousness, and maybe even a lack of trust that stahn would follow through on his word.
stahn doesn't blame him for that, of course. the idea of what they're doing is still new to him too, after all. when this journey started, he was sure that he just needed to prove himself as worthy enough to be a soldier, he was sure that leon would be a valuable ally that could help him improve his swordsmanship. he expected friendship at best—never what it's turn out to be. he didn't expect the invigorating feeling of holding hands, he didn't expect the way his heart pounds so fast on those rare occasions where leon smiles. he didn't expect that even something as simple as agreeing on their choices could make him feel a little breathless.]
Right. We've never lost before, so there's no reason to start now! [they're a good team, after all. on the battlefield, they've always been good at covering each other's backs, especially as times when they were the only melee fighters in the group. and if they could do that... well, they'd be good partners in any situation, stahn is sure of it.
it's strange, to be on the same page with leon in this sort of way. but it's a good kind of strange. it's the kind of strange he wants to embrace, or bottle. it's the kind of strange he knows will carry him through. they have so much to look forward to once tomorrow is through, and any doubts he may have had about that... or about their status are completely erased now. even if they're just standing there hand-in-hand, watching their breath in the cold air as they were before... it feels different. warmer. more secure.
if this is what the future holds, there's no way stahn made the wrong decision. it's just impossible, right? it has to be. this is... the right choice for them.]
no subject
It's a little strange to realize that all of a sudden, but it's not a bad strange at all. No, he's so relieved over this, and it takes him a moment to respond, because he was still smiling as well, and once he realizes it, he has to wipe that expression off of his face first.
A-ahem.
(But it's so warm and so satisfying. He can do this too. They can do this together. They're a team, they've never lost before, and they'll conquer this too. It's a nice thought, isn't it?)
So Leon's equally confident now; this much is easy, now that those doubts have been somewhat laid to rest. It's still a major leap of faith for him, but...somehow, he's fine with that now, more than he ever has been before, especially with their fingers still intertwined, and completely warm.]
Naturally.
[and then because he's Leon, he has to be a butt.]
But don't lose your focus. Tomorrow is still the first challenge.
[They can think of making sure this choice is entirely and completely right after that.]
no subject
[his free hand clenches into a determined fist... they can't do the rest of those things that they're promising if they don't get past tomorrow's fight after all. and now that they've really and truly settled on a path they want to work towards, stahn feels his mind and heart at ease. there's no way he would have been able to get a restful sleep if not of this conversation... if not for standing here alongside leon in this way.]
I guess we should rest soon though, huh? So we're really ready for tomorrow. [even though... part of him really doesn't want to. he wants to stay here with leon in this moment, holding his hand and just embracing the warmth that comes with it. it feels like... a truly peaceful moment. the calm before the storm, without a doubt, but... letting go doesn't feel easy, even if it's only temporary.]
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He sighs softly, shaking his head, and slowly sets to untangling his fingers from Stahn's, if with a good deal of reluctance.]
Yes. We need to be at our best for tomorrow. Greybaum must pay for the trouble he has put us all to.
[Asshole.
And also completing their duty and saving the world etc etc etc.
With his hand finally free, Leon fights the urge to clench it into a fist (it is cold now) and instead strips off the glove from his other hand, offering it back to Stahn.]
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though it's not a bad thing, right? because they'll get through tomorrow, they'll defeat greybaum, they'll go back to darilsheid... and be able to move forward with their lives. there will be more time to share nights like this and enjoy their time togther. maybe it's because it's just still so new and exciting that he doesn't want to.
but stahn won't complain, because he knows this is what's right. he'll take back his other glove (though it's accompanied by a look that asks if he'll be warm enough) and put it back on before turning to face the inn once again.]
We'll put an end to this. So we can finish this mission... so everyone can be safe. So we can look to the future.
[it's all established already, but he feels a need to repeat it once more, strengthing his resolve further.]
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But now he legitimately has something new and bright to look forward to. When they complete this mission he'll have...what will he have? He's not sure, but he knows it's going to be good.
It's going to be excellent.
And so he simply nods, and then he starts to walk towards the inn, with a final response.]
After tomorrow, we will properly look to the future.
[But first, they have to face tomorrow, and honestly? Leon's not worried at all.]
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[that's all that needs to be said, really. they're both confident in what tomorrow—and the rest of the future will hold, right? they have so much to live for now, so much to strive to achieve. tomorrow is just once step towards that.
at least now, stahn knows that he can rest easy as they head back inside to their respective beds. they've got this... they'll do this. this is the surest of anything stahn's ever been. and he's glad that leon is by his side to take on this task.]