realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[it's times like this that stahn too, can see the differences in them that didn't exist eighteen years ago. stahn has seen and experienced a lot in very different ways than judas.

but like this, stahn can see those sides of judas that are still very much a kid and a far cry from where stahn is now in his life. he never wants to treat judas like a kid—like any of the kids, but that doesn't mean he can't see it in these quiet vulnerabilities that rear their head at these times. he can see it, that judas isn't sure if it's really okay; his words are honest and at a time like this... he seems so fragile.

it breaks stahn's heart a little.

even though he's long since known that judas struggled so much with trust and being able to rely on others, about being able to open up...

well, still hearing him question it really hammers home how much help he needs.

so quietly, stahn stands up, shifting around to move behind judas. he takes one of the towels, tossing it gently over his head and starts working out the excess water; it's drier than before, but it had the significance of also showing judas that his support is unconditional and takes as many forms as needed.]

Do you think I'd offer it if I didn't think it was all right?

Ah...

[somehow, leon finds a way to nail stahn's every concern right on the head, and with ease, at that.]

I always thought... it was supposed to be different. Something you do special, like an event... something like that. [he's a bit sheepish as he admits it, but it's leon...

so he can be honest about it. he knows that.] That's how people always talked about it, and how it is in books. So I just thought...

[that's how it was supposed to be.] That's why it was hard. None of those things seemed like the right way. And I didn't know if it would be okay to say it.

[stahn is definitely a bit shy in his way. despite being loud and boisterous most of the time, despite being such a walking barrel of sunshine—he's still a kid from the countryside who has little experience in these areas. and leon is so incredibly important to him, it's clear that his reasons all had to do with making leon happy and not feeling cornered by his words.]

But... you're right. It's still special no matter what, isn't it...

[Judas trusts Stahn--so when Stahn stands up, he doesn't have to completely track him as he moves about the room as he would almost every other person. It's a habit, born from needing to know exactly where everyone is at all times, and being Judas has certainly not helped the paranoia and tenseness and mistrust Leon already suffered from.

But he forces himself to stay focused, eyes forward instead of following Stahn, remaining completely still. He trusts Stahn--and maybe he wants to prove it to Stahn and to himself.

It's okay, because Stahn would never do anything to hurt him.

Even so, he flinches when Stahn tosses that towel over his head gently. It's natural for him to do so, uncomfortable as he can be with touch, and....well. It's actually pleasant. As it sinks in what Stahn's doing, the tenseness very slowly seeps out of Judas' shoulders, and quietly, he remembers how to breathe again.

It's... fine. Right?

His voice is a little muffled when he responds, still a little shakily, but there's at least a faint thread of humor to it.]

Yes. Your desire to help other people always outweighs your sensibility.

Edited 2016-07-03 00:27 (UTC)

[Honestly... Leon doesn't know. Stahn's probably right, but Leon's never really been introduced properly to romance. It hasn't been part of his purview for... well, ever.

But right now, he understands where Stahn is coming from, a little. And it honestly just endears him to Stahn more. It's just such a Stahn thing, when Leon knows--

It's because it's with Stahn that it's special. Stahn makes it special just by being here, and before Leon can ever think to stop himself, the words are there on his tongue, and he's so amused and content in this moment that they slip right out--]

Rather, it is not the situation that makes them special, but the people--

[A pause.

It slowly sinks in what he was pretty much ready to say, and he snaps his mouth shut, clearing his throat and glancing away as much as he can with their foreheads pressed together.]

Mm!

[he works gently at judas' hair, as if to carefully work to dry the remaining parts of his hair. he moves slow and deliberate with intent to be soothing.

he's done this for the kids plenty of times, but he's done it for rutee too; for stahn, it's an easy way to bring gentle comfort without being too pressing about things.]

You never have to question it. If I make that offer... it's because I want to. I've told you already, haven't I? However I can help you, I will.

[he takes a breath, and though he knows he's a broken record, he repeats himself anyway with the notion that the more he reiterates it, the more judas will be forced to recognize it as fact.]

You're my best friend and you're my family. You never have to question it, Emilio.

[oh.

even though there's something faintly embarrassing about hearing words like that come from leon (regardless of the fact that he doesn't finish what he's saying), there's something endearing about it. it's cute, because he gets these rare glimpses into what leon really thinks.

it's cute.

it's really cute, and it makes stahn feel warmer and even more content, despite leon's obvious embarrassment. and that's why he shifts slightly, pressing a kiss to the corner of leon's mouth and then another directly on his lips; he's smiling into it, but it's devoid of any amusement beyond thinking it's sweet.]

I think you're right. [he understands the sentiment, after all. and he thinks leon might really be right. it's not about where, or how. it's the fact that it's the two of them.]

But maybe... the situation is special, too. A quiet night where everything is calm... that's pretty special, too.

[It's...soothing. It's soothing and warming, and Stahn's movements are gentle and comforting, and Judas slowly sighs, letting his eyes slide shut. This... is fine. It's strange and it's new, but it's good. And he likes it, and he may never accept it again after this night, but right now...

Right now he is.]

I know.

[How could he ever not? When Stahn has made it clear from day one...

How could he do anything but believe?]

... I would never doubt that. [Not anymore.]

[Alright.

It's all true, and Leon agrees with all of it, but even so, it's getting a little too sappy and sentimental for him to handle. He clears his throat awkwardly (after the kisses, which he accepts because duh), and tries to bring it to something a little less...honest and sincere and emotional.]

Hmph. I would say so, with how loud you are capable of being.

[He doesn't actually mean that in a sexual way but a moment later it strikes him that it's also rare because the other nights they are both being loud.

Ah.

Hm.

He's embarrassed again.]

That's all that matters. I won't force you to talk about anything. So as long as you know I'm here... it's fine.

[he'll never force judas to talk about it. if judas just wants him to come sit in silence, or talk about something entirely unrelated... it's fine.

after a moment of silence, stahn will pull the towel away from his head, fingers running directly through the strands to straighten them a bit and let them fall into their more normal position. but it's comfortable, so he finds himself lingering a bit.]

That's why you never have to question if it's okay. It's okay. I promise you... it's okay.

[maybe leon is really fortunate in this case, because the implications that come with that statement go right over his head.

he totally takes it at face value, at the reasons leon seems to intend, so he scrunches his nose a little.]

I'm not that baaaad....

You certainly can be.

[Just saying!!!

Leon just leans up then, pressing their lips together gently, and murmuring there--]

You are being noisier now, even.

I'm not being noisy at all...

[he's being whiny, and there's totally!! a difference!! not that he's going to refuse kisses or do anything to pull away.]

Maybe you're just too quiet... [he sure did go to a flailing, sputtered love confesssion to this, like a quality dumb teenager.]

[Judas is quiet for a moment, reaching up to gently run his fingers through his own hair as well, though Stahn was pretty thorough about getting it to rest properly again. It's not like Judas is as vain as he used to be, anyway.

And then... he looks up, meeting Stahn's eyes finally, and breathes out shakily.

After all of this?

He has to confess, at least a little--]

It was difficult. Generally, I am fine... but when my face gets wet, then I...

[...He remembers everything.]

...You have to remember the worst parts of what you went through, right?

[he speaks softly, gentle and considerate before resting his hands on judas' shoulders and giving them a light squeeze.

he appreciates the fact that judas is telling him even that much; he's honestly a bit touched by the concession when he's always so stubborn about opening up—but that's why he does his best to try and meet judas halfway, so he doesn't have to try and struggle to find all the words he needs.

if he gets it wrong, stahn is sure he'll get corrected, but he has a feeling he knows exactly what judas means here.]

[Yeah, okay, he's pulling away then to quirk an eyebrow at Stahn.]

Too quiet? What is that even supposed to mean?

[Judas dips his head again then, with the slights of nods and a sighed out--]

Yes.

[That's when he remembers Elraine's torment. That's when he remembers betraying them and drowning and dying there.

That's when it's hard to believe, sometimes, that he's still alive after experiencing being dead so many times. He doesn't really know what else to say--that's all he really has for explanation. That's why he froze up, and that's why he's struggling even now, for better or for worse.]

[oh.

well, now he's been backed into a really stupid corner, because... he doesn't actually even have an answer for that. so leon will get a nice, awkward laugh.]

You're just... quieter than me...? Ahaha...

I should certainly think so.

[Sheesh!

Leon gives him a flat look for a moment longer--but he can't actually make Stahn stew on this one for long. He's still too fond and happy about everything that happened thus far.

So instead he just sighs, but is mostly fond..]

Honestly. Some days I wonder about what goes through your head.

[it's the sort of situation that stahn honestly doesn't know how to help with. not in the ways that he normally would with others. he tries so hard to respect those boundariesm knowing just how much judas hates to be touched...

but he can't help himself; stahn can't help but to pull him into a comforting sort of hug. the father in him, the friend in him can't help it at all, though he still keeps his touch light enough to indicate that any real resistance will cause him to pull back if that's what judas wants.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to remember such terrible things. I'm sorry that Elraine was someone who could do this to you... you never deserved it. There was never a time when you deserved that, I promise you.

I...

["I know", he should say there, but he can't get out the words. Even as he doesn't pull away from Stahn's grasp.... he can't entirely accept that either. Stahn's arms are comforting in a way that a lot of things haven't been, even if he does have to pull away after a moment--

Partially because he can't respond properly, and he knows it.

He can't say that he knows.

Because he did deserve it.]

It's fine, now.

[He's safe, and she can't get him here.

(But he still can't say he doesn't deserve it.)]

You know...

[it's fine like this, because stahn doesn't want to stew on it very much either. it's a lot easier to relax into a playful smile and press a kiss to leon's lips lightly.]

You could ask, and I'd probably tell you. ...I don't think there are any secrets anymore.

[... Leon was not prepared for Stahn to turn that into something sentimental. He blinks, eyes widening, before he glances away sheepishly, clearing his throat.

After the kiss, of course.

That's important.]

... Well.

Be as it may [he knows] ...quiet evenings like these could certainly happen more often. [He'd be fine with that.]

[his response is indirect, and it doesn't slip past stahn this time around. that's exactly why he stays as he is, arms around judas in the most comforting way he can manage.]

Things may be fine but... you're still hurting from it. So it's not completely fine. Not at all. [the wounds are still too raw if judas is speaking this way.

they're still too raw if he went into a panic being out in the rain like that.

things aren't okay, and judas still doesn't accept that he didn't deserve to have that kind of pain.]

Going through it once was enough... that was enough punishment for everything.

[He knows things aren't fine--though his reasoning is different from Stahn's. If Judas still goes into a panic when things like this happen, then...what good would he really be if some danger showed up again? How could he protect Stahn if he couldn't even think straight because of a little rain?

It's a lot to deal with, and he's not entirely sure yet how to fix it, but he's definitely not happy with himself about it.

As for it being punishment enough for everything... That may be true.]

Yes, well... perhaps. [It was his punishment for everything--just dying was too easy.] And due to that, I have to deal with the remaining effects.

[well, at least leon focuses on the important things. like the kiss.]

Mm.. I'd like that. Being like this, just... together.

I like this. [leon can try to draw away from the sentimentality of the situation, but stahn is feeling it right now. stahn likes being a little more warm and sentimental.

but he does also sincerely like being this way. curled up on the bed, enjoying the evening peacefully. they don't always get to do this—and not necessarily because they're doing something else together, either. but long missions, or just tiring ones have left leon more in need of sleep plenty of times, and it means that they can't always do this.

even though he always wants to. he'd spend every waking moment with leon this way if he could, really.

funny how that works, when you love someone this much, huh?]

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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