realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[that pause is long, the way stahn has his lips pursed and he scratches at his head through disheveled hair while he tries to gather his thought about the situation.]

I wouldn't have decided to stay here if I wasn't serious.

[he's starting off pretty strong. but looking at leon's flustered face and hearing that strangled, struggling tone of voice repeating in his mind... well, it kind of flusters stahn a bit too.

he's never done this, after all.]

So, I— [what is the word they use here? boyfriend? dating?

it feels kind of weird to him to refer to leon in those terms, because leon is so much more to him than that.]

I don't know what to call it, if we're honest. You're... my best friend, Leon. [his head dips a little... it's probably way too early for this conversation, especially after everything that's happened in the last day or so.

—though maybe that's why it needs to be said. just as a safety. just as assurance.]

I, I really like ["love"] you a lot though so. I don't know what you want to call that. Eheh... but... whatever it is, I want to stay that way.

[stahn's face is red, but his dipped head hides that. what it doesn't hide is the way his hair has shifted, revealing how red-hot the tips of his ears are.]

I--

[... Leon's not really sure what he was hoping for from this conversation, admittedly. Something to make Stahn look less worn ragged, and something to guarantee that he and Stahn are something special. But... even so, it doesn't come easily to Stahn, either, does it?

Of course they're serious.

Leon would never trust someone to stay in his bed otherwise.

But... "best friend" feels both correct and not enough for this moment. Leon wants it to be something else.]

You-- that is, we are-- [He makes an aggravated noise in the back of his throat, and rushes out in a spiel--]

-- we are romantic partners as well, however!

[It's frivolous, really. Romantic partners. Boyfriends. It's a silly, frivolous term that doesn't describe all that they are. but it's also what's never been said, and Leon wants it to be said, even if it's so hard for him to say it.]

[WELL OKAY.

he didn't expect ever, in a million years that leon would actually say those words. they've operated so much up to this point in feeling things out without words.

not to mention the knowing that words—words of this sort especially—were not leon's forte.]

Romantic— [it's a bit tough for stahn to choke the word out too. not because he disagrees or has a real problem saying it. but it's the first time, and the first time is always the toughest, especially when...]

Yeah. But...

[stahn isn't denying it, but he's not so quick to accept that statement as it is. maybe "best friend" hadn't been the right word, but narrowing it down to "romantic partner" felt a little cheap too, even if it's technically true.

but when stahn looks up to try and meet leon's gaze, there's a sheepish smile on his face as he tries to search for the words. his face is flushed pink, but there's a lot he has to say.]

It's... more than that though. My best friend, my... roman...tic partner... I— [this is really hard to say out loud.]

You're... just my partner, Leon... [is his face getting redder? it probably is.] It's, it's more than one thing or the other, right?

[because to stahn, it's everything, and it's probably pretty clear from the way he's speaking that he's actually put a lot of thought into his feelings and how to try and define them for himself.

but there isn't a word for it. there's not a single word stahn can find that accurately describes his feelings or how to define what the two of them share.]

That's why it doesn't matter what we call it. I know—I know I want to stay with you. I want to fight next to you and... see you when I wake up in the morning and share meals and, and...

[stahn? overwhelmed? maybe just a little and that's why he fumbles. but to say that he wants to hug leon, or kiss him, or some of the other less-than-pure thoughts that have crept into his thoughts lately aloud is not easy.]

I don't have a word for it...

[Leon's definitely just as red, looking away awkwardly as Stahn speaks. More than just his best friend, more than just his romantic partner...they're more than that, and Leon thinks so too, but he can't find a word for it either, even with his vaster vocabulary.

Maybe there isn't one.

(Maybe it's "soulmates".)

Either way, he knows that everything Stahn says is true of him as well. He wants to stay with Stahn. He wants to sleep by Stahn and with Stahn and be able to have Stahn's arms around him and be able to feel Stahn's lips on his and taste Stahn on his tongue.

He wants all of this, all the time, and it's overwhelming but it's also sincerely true.

So Leon just...nods quietly, still looking away, still painfully red. This is a hard topic for both of them, but Leon agrees.

But also, honestly--]

I-- this is why I said it would wait until after we are finished here.

[GOD STAHN!!!!

Now they're both blushing fiercely and disheveled after spending the night together. Surely nobody will get the wrong idea here.]

S—Sorry, but...

[it's obvious they're both flustered, and stahn isn't really thinking about the consequences or what anyone else thinks.

maybe it's because all of his impure thoughts come at times when they're not about to face their friends. they come when leon innocuously brushes past him, or when he's alone and thinking of things like the softness of leon's lips or how his body looks when he moves. but at a time like this, on the heels of such desperate sadness, at a time when they're going to leave the room and get back to the focus of their goal while not drawing attention to these confessions...

well, stahn isn't thinking of how they're both disheveled and blushing, and how the others may perceive it.

he's only thinking of leon, and that's why he's suddenly got his arms around leon, pulling him into a tight, desperate hug. he buries his face in leon's hair, and after a moment:]

Something like this... shouldn't wait. A lot of things have to wait for us to finish but.

Isn't it, I mean... don't you think...

[he's fumbling again, and fumbling hard because this is so difficult for him.]

Life is too short... too short to not say these things if he think them, right? [maybe the idea of never getting the chance to convey his feelings in earnest to leon is something that scares him after what happened with ilene.

even if they have every intent of winning, there's always that what-if, and it's scary.]

You're... this...

It's too important. [even if it's probably the worst time, and even if he wouldn't have even considered it if leon hadn't brought it up first.]

[Everything Stahn is saying is perfectly, painfully earnest, and with Stahn's arms around him and Stahn's face in his hair, Leon can't do anything but slump into his hold. Because he's right. Life's too short, and anything could happen now. They have no idea what will come next. They have no idea if they'll all be okay--though Stahn has to be, Leon shies away from any thoughts that he wouldn't--and so... why hide it?

Leon thinks about it for a long moment, considering it, and then he huffs out a frustrated breath (frustrated with himself, and the situation, and everything that's happened and their feelings) and then he pulls away so that Stahn can't hide his face anymore, burying his fingers into Stahn's hair and keeping him in place so he can press their lips together.

It's a kiss that shows his frustration with himself and the situation in equal measure; he hates that they can't properly have this conversation without feeling pushed into it. But it's also gentle, because this morning... Leon wants to take care of Stahn, and everything Stahn's said has resonated.

When he breaks away, it's only a few inches, and when he speaks, it's quietly.]

When we have both survived this situation, we can discuss it further.

[Because they'll both be fine.]

[with so few words, leon manages to convey a lot that stahn can understand in simple but equal measure. the frustration, but yet still being so gentle. the way leon's fingers feel so familiar in his hair and how leon forces their gazes to meet.

right.

it's not fair to leon to push him into this conversation at a time like this. he's not ready for that, and he can't force it.

had it been selfish? he's not sure.

he's not sure, since leon is so vague about a response. he can feel that leon isn't angry with him, and his caring, gentle touches do well enough to prove that. but it's not less hard to tell how much leon agrees with his words when his response to stahn pouring his heart out is to wait.

all the same, leon himself had said romantic partners—

so stahn realizes it. he needs to calm down and cool his jets, because when it's all over... they'll still be together, won't they?

he finds himself letting out a very unsteady, shaky breath and nodding his head. stahn is weak and vulnerable right now, and try as he might to be the pillar... leon is the one doing a better job at that at the moment.]

Right.... you're right. [he's quiet, and it's hard to tell if he's simply agreeing or if he feels a bit guilty.]

It wouldn't be fair... when you're ready, Leon. We'll talk about it then. [when did things get so difficult? he's not sure.]

[Gently, Leon sighs. He's not sure that it was fair to spring this on Stahn and then make him calm down like this... but nonetheless, he wasn't ready to handle it. He'd just...wanted to give Stahn something to fight towards. Something to look forward to, maybe.

Maybe a confession, after all of this, from Leon.

A guarantee of what they are.

Though that's basically already happened now, but that had been Leon's plan. For now, though... he just presses their lips together once more, incredibly briefly, and then he releases Stahn's face and looks at him surprisingly steadily.]

Do not misunderstand me. It isn't that I'm not prepared for this.

[...well maybe it is a little bUT NOT THE POINT.]

It is that I know we will win. So there is no reason to allow this to distract us when we will have time in the future to discuss it.

[He's just...going to try to exude confidence, until Stahn has some of it too.]

Ah...

[why does he feel so sheepish?

it's strange, feeling the roles getting reversed like this—that's what stahn thinks. he's usually in enough control of his emotions to not be so weak, so vulnerable...

and even though leon isn't taking advantage of it by any means, the strange feeling makes him want to dip his head again. stahn will be okay, but right now, he's tired and drained emotionally, and it's hard for him to process what he should and shouldn't be doing right now. he appreciate's leon's efforts though, because he can feel the sincerity behind them. he swallows thickly, nodding his head.

this role reversal isn't getting any easier.]

Right. I just thought— [that saying what he felt now would clear up what he wanted.

but stahn shakes the thought off, knowing it's not what leon wants to hear right now.]

Mm... We'll talk about later. When... this is all over.

[It's a little troublesome, admittedly, being in this role. Leon still doesn't know how to handle it, and he thinks that's clear in the way that even now, Stahn still looks somewhat upset and uncertain.

After all of that, Leon still hasn't succeeded in making him feel better.

His lips twitch downwards into a slight frown, before he looks away, nodding simply. Then there's not a lot more he can do for Stahn, he thinks; he'll be there for him, obviously, but that was the best he could do, and it's becoming very clear that he has no idea what he's doing at all.

Frustrating. He's used to being better than this.

So, quietly, he clears his throat.]

...Yes. Later. Later, we will speak about it all properly, and many more things, as...we will have the time to do so.

[this isn't helping anything, and stahn knows it.

he still feels so strange about things, and he isn't thinking that maybe it's just the exhaustion from how poorly he slept really sinking in. how can anyone hold onto their sunshine when they feel like they just want to crawl back into bed?

but leon is trying to hard. he's said so much. he's sought out words to try and ease stahn's concerned, he's provided gentle and warm kisses, he's wiped stahn's tears and is trying to make promises for their future together. it's a lot, and for someone like leon who doesn't have much in the way of experience with this sort of thing, stahn knows that he's trying his absolute best to help.

so stahn is shifting to cup his hand on leon's cheek before leaning in to press their lips together lightly. and then, just over a whisper:]

Thank you. [for trying so hard.]

[It's done so softly and gently, and Leon's weak enough to lean into that kiss, light as it is, and then he's frustrated all over again, because that meant that Stahn still felt the need to reassure him.

But the thanks...that's sincere too, right?

Would it be presumptuous to think that he helped...? Even if just a little? At this point, Leon doesn't really know.

But he knows that he can't dwell on it. Just like Stahn, he has to pick his head up and try his best. They have to handle what's ahead of them first, and then... everything else can come after.

So he meets Stahn's gaze, and he nods, as certainly as he can.]

After--after, we will have more time to just...speak together.

[It's a promise.]

[a weak smile will form on stahn's lips as he pulls back, and he gives his head a firm nod.]

Right. When it's just us, and we have all the time to talk about things. [stahn confirms it. he knows he's been doing pretty poorly all the while, but he wants to show leon that he'll be okay.

every attempt to try and convey that, he's slipped and cracked a bit; he's probably causing leon too much worry and leaving him feeling like he's not helpful all the same—stahn understands that feeling, so he steels his gaze a little. it's a bit forced, but stahn is trying too, because he knows that it's something he needs—that they both need right now.]

For now, we should get ready and see how the others are doing, right?

Yes, I believe so.

[They weren't perfect--their coping wasn't completely and totally flawless. They're still upset, and grieving and mourning. Stahn's not fine, Leon's not fine.

But they tried.

And maybe they're a bit better off than they were before--and Leon thinks that will be enough for them to face the others and the tasks that lie before them today.

So Leon sighs, and pushes himself off the bed, and nods to Stahn.]

Let's go.

[At least...they'll have things to discuss and figure out when the situations isn't so terrible. Hopefully that promise will be enough to keep them going.]

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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