realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[It's...honestly a bit too much. Judas still doesn't think he deserves these sorts of accolades. Sure, he was there for Kyle when he needed him, and he was able to get everyone out of some tight spots. Sure, he was the one with the knowledge they needed when they needed it, even if a lot of it came from Chal and was just relayed.

But even so...he didn't do anything worth admiring. He even kept some information from them until they'd found it out themselves, even though it might had sped things up and made things somewhat less painful.

So even if he did work hard to help Stahn, and the others as well... he doesn't think that that's true at all.

Which is why he frowns a little at that, before he looks away, back towards the window instead.]

I'm not a hero. [That response comes immediately. Nothing he's done makes him a hero. Kyle, yes. Loni and the others, yes. Even Reala, who was searching for a hero, came to be one in her own right. But Judas? Absolutely not. He's a traitor, not a hero, and a few good deeds won't change that.]

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous.

[his response is immediate, and it's firm. it's the sort of response stahn can't and won't accept—and that's because his perspective about this is incredibly different than judas'.]

You fought by their side until the end. You helped them to fix to fix the world. You prevented time itself from being changed in more than one place. And even before that you fought with us... you'd even gone against orders to try destroy the Eye of God with us.

[and...] How many times have you saved my life now, Emilio? It... it feels like a lot.

[regardless of where judas settles his gaze, stahn is the one who straightens in his seat, expression firm as he continues.]

Maybe not everything you did was heroic. Maybe history doesn't remember you the way I do... But the one thing I know is that you've done more good for everyone in this world than you have to harm it. You've done taken the steps you needed to in order to make up for the things you regretted...

So many things you've done, Emilio... they're heroic. So no matter what... to me... You're still a hero.

[as someone who is considered one of history's greatest heroes, he's pretty sure he can decide this for himself.]

You are.

[This is one thing Judas can't budge on. He's learned to compromise on a lot of things, and especially with Stahn he's typically calmer and more willing to change, at the very least, what he's saying or thinking. He doesn't want to upset Stahn, not when...well, being able to be around Stahn is special in and of itself.

He wants to embrace all of those moments. He doesn't want to spend that time arguing with Stahn.

But this... it's wrong, plain and simple, and he can't accept it. Being put on the same level as Stahn and Kyle... it's wrong.

It's wrong and Judas just can't accept it, even if he knows that arguing with Stahn over this is an exercise in futility.]

Regardless of what I have or have not done, I am not a hero.

[He never has been.

He never will be.]

[an exercise in futility it certainly is, because stahn's gaze will harden a bit more.]

That's... not something you get to decide by yourself. A person... they can't decide that they're a hero alone, but that means they can't decide they aren't, either.

[funny how that works, isn't it?] It doesn't matter if you don't think you are. It doesn't matter if you don't want to be one.

[stahn closes his eyes and he shakes his head. this is something he feels so strongly about. it's something that stahn himself can't budge on, because in his heart, he always knew that leon was a good person; he wanted to do the right thing.

he made mistakes, and if not for the way he gave his life, it's entirely likely that he would have been remembered as a hero despite his misdeeds—because he wanted to repent. he wanted to fight alongside the swordian masters and stop hugo (and ultimately, miktran), and surely the king of seinegald would have understood what happened, even if he faced some punishment for it somehow.

but add that in with his actions as judas, with how he protected kyle and loni, how he did what he could to return stahn's life in so many ways, and what he gave up to do them all...]

To me, you're a hero.

[He... doesn't want Stahn to think he's a hero.

He doesn't want to think that he's a hero himself. He doesn't want to even begin to consider that possibility, because he knows it isn't true.

He doesn't want this at all. More than anything, when he thinks of calling himself a hero or being called a hero...

Judas ducks his head at that, frowning a little, and when he finally responds, it's almost painfully honest, quiet as he is.]

... It makes me feel like a fraud.

[Just as Emilio occasionally makes him feel like a fraud--even though that's his real name. Being called that by everyone....it almost feels like he's pretending to be something he's not. Being called a hero? That just makes it even worse.]

You're not a fraud. You've never been a fraud.

[stahn won't concede on what he feels. no matter what it is judas wants him to believe, this much can't be changed.

but he speaks a little more gently this time, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. maybe he was a little too harsh in saying that—but even this stahn, who has grown up to be a doting father—is still fiery and passionate as he always has been. when he feels strongly about something, he can't hold himself back.

but right now, he needs to calm himself, so he draws in a breath.]

You can't change the way I feel about this. I've always felt that way... even back then, I always wanted to be as good as you were on the battlefield. Right until the last fight, I thought "how would Leon do this? Would he dodge here? Would he strike?"

I spent a lot of time trying to remember how you fought, because I felt like if I could use some of that, we'd be able to succeed even when things were the worst.

[judas will get an admission that even rutee never heard from stahn, even if everyone else had probably figured it out on their own.]

No matter how I look at it, you've always been amazing and strong. So... my mind is made on that. But...

I don't want you to feel bad about that either.

[Slowly, he looks up to meet Stahn's gaze once he places that hand on his arm, and though he looks unconvinced, there's no denying that Stahn's words do have some effect. Judas hesitates then, searching Stahn's gaze, but... of course, he's being entirely sincere.

It's Stahn.

That's what he does. He wouldn't lie to him.

And to think that he had that sort of effect on Stahn is honestly kind of mindboggling. He's quiet for a long moment, trying to find words, before finally, he sighs, shaking his head slightly.]

... If I could be that for you, then I am glad. [If he could be some sort of light in the dark--he's glad, because Stahn was always that for him. Eternally, and even now, he still is.]

But even so... don't call me a hero. [Because even so, it's hard for him to stomach and swallow.] I know how you feel about what I've done. And I know that you won't be changing your mind on that. But I can't either.

[And he still doesn't think he deserves to be considered a hero.]

Okay.

[stahn concedes quietly. not because he's agreeing with the idea that judas isn't a hero, but because his comfort levels matter more to stahn than drilling this point into his head.

maybe with time, he could make judas see how valuable a person he is. maybe he could gain perspective and learn to accept that there are people in this world that would consider him a hero despite his transgressions.]

As long as you know that. As long as you know that it doesn't change my mind—I won't call you that.

[not in that way, at least. but it doesn't really mean he'll give up on the issue permanently, because that's not the sort of person stahn is.]

[It's a bit of a relief.

As nice as it is to know that Stahn thinks so highly of him, Judas knows that he can't accept the idea that he might be considered a hero, not after everything. But as ever, Stahn's understanding, and that's enough--he nods quietly in response to that, settling a little.

Stahn can think he's a hero--even if Judas doesn't think it's true, that's fine, since he knows Stahn practically never changes his mind about things like that.

But so long as he doesn't tell Judas, doesn't make him face that side of himself and think about it, he'll be fine.]

... Thank you.

[After that quiet response, though, he just shakes his head and changes the subject to try to lighten the mood.]

When do you think we will be able to leave? [Not that he's in a hurry, but it's a good topic jump.]

[this is why it's a shame that he can't just talk to kyle and loni about these matters; because they would agree with him and make it even more impossible for judas to deny.

but that's not the case, so stahn will nod his head and let out a quiet hum. judas understands that his mind won't be changed, and stahn intends to respect judas' boundaries and try to whittle away at them in the same manner he always had in the past.

for now, he lets it go. because as much as he wants those things to be understood, he can't turn off the idea of making sure judas is happy, healthy, and comfortable.

in the end... that's what he thinks is most important here. so rather than dwell, he moves with the flow of the conversation.]

A few days, maybe? Next week at the latest. I don't think Rutee will mind with our reasons, and Kyle is here to help anyway.

[Stahn goes with the subject change and it's honestly a relief. Not that he doesn't appreciate Stahn's faith in him, but...

Judas isn't prepared to confront that part of him, and all of the issues that come along with it. He's touchy about the word "hero"; it's one of the reasons he even talked to Kyle in the first place.]

Mm. [A nod, and a quiet understanding noise.]

That's acceptable. I can prepare our supplies. [At least he's used to preparing for trips...]

Okay. I'll leave that to you... I know you won't forget anything.

[for all the times that stahn can't help to turn off his dad sensibilities, he still treats judas as an equal. stahn knows he can trust him with preparing all of those things efficiently, and so.]

I'll take care of all the other arrangements. [which really mostly means the money and the planning when to go, but that's still enough.]

... And I'll leave that to you.

[Because naturally, of course, Judas trusts Stahn.

How could it be any other way, when he has a heat pad on his wrist, lessening the chill and the ache, and Stahn has at least relieved a lot of his immediate pain.

It's how Stahn's always been, though--and Leon thinks he'll probably be able to handle the rain for as long as it lasts tonight.]

Mm.

[he offers judas a warm smile, nodding his head before he motions to stand up.]

If you need anything, Emilio... just let me know. Not just about preparing for the trip but... if something's on your mind. Okay? If your wrist is still bothering you later, I'll give you another heat pack, too. [he has to make that last offer, just in case there's something more judas needs of him right now.]

... Thank you.

[He appreciates it, he really does--and while he doesn't think that he really needs anything, there's...the thought that it's an acknowledgement of things. Telling Stahn about his aches and pains would be another way to let Stahn in, to make it clear that he trusts Stahn, to show that he's not trying to keep Stahn at arm's length despite the complicated nature of addressing his past.

So maybe... maybe he will.

Maybe the next time, Judas will tell Stahn when his old injuries act up, and when he has aches and pains. It's something to think about.

But for now, he won't stop Stahn again--this time, he'll let him go, and even if he goes back to staring out the window, there's nothing foreboding about his expression anymore, and his moping has been replaced with a more serene calmness.]

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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