you can't spell "alone" without "leon" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
discard) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
discard) wrote in realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071
[this is a catch-all for boyfriends
here's a list
- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]
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It's almost like he's in a daze--or at least, that's how Leon feels. Stahn's arms tighten around him, Stahn buries his face in Leon's hair, Stahn's heart is beating that fast, and Leon's not entirely sure that he's completely awake anymore. The way this has gone... well, he's never been enough of a romantic to dream of things like this, but he's also had enough longing to know that this sort of warmth in his chest is what he's always been looking for.
This is all he's ever wanted from another person, isn't it? For someone to care about him this much, because he's him. For someone to want to just... hold onto him like this, with the sense that they never want to let go. For someone to love him, and it's different from how Chal and Marian love him, and even so, it's not in a bad way. It's a little confusing, but...
It's not bad.
Swept along as he is by this entire heady situation, the warmth and encouragement and comfort of Stahn feeling the same way as he does, Leon's finding it all too easy to let down his guard and do things he will deny enthusiastically in about five seconds.
Which is why he shifts to turn his head, cheek pillowed against Stahn's chest instead of his forehead, almost... snuggling closer. It's an automatic, instinctive reaction to that sort of warmth, though the cold from outside is now just a long, distant memory. There could never be any warmer position than this, and yet he's drawn closer anyway. And maybe that's what it means to be held like this, and to be cared for, and to be able to bask in Stahn's sunshine-y self and--
--and then he catches himself and definitely has to deny it enthusiastically, because even despite all of this, he's still Leon. As soon as he realizes just how close and affectionate he was being, he makes a quiet choking noise and tries to pull away a little. This is dangerous. He's a little too easily swept away by just how good that felt, and he was totally acting in a way that was completely embarrassing.
... Even after confessions and everything that's happened, Leon is still Leon, after all, which is why he's avoiding Stahn's gaze after that, blushing furiously and expression grumpy--the sort of grumpiness that comes of total embarrassment.]
no subject
and then suddenly, he isn't.
it's gone as quickly as it came, though in all honesty, stahn got a hell of a lot more than he expected out this. even if it was brief, even if it was just for a moment that leon let go completely—it happened. it happened, and that's what makes it all okay. stahn himself had been willing to remain that way for as long as leon felt comfortable, and now that time has come and gone.
but it's okay, because it's a slow process, and it's one that doesn't need to happen in a day, or even in a week. stahn can wait for leon to be ready for whatever comes next.
so when leon makes his attempt to pull away, stahn is quick to comply, dropping his arms and drawing back slightly. he gives leon the room he needs, and even though he looks and can see the way his expression has shifted, it doesn't seem to bother him in the least.]
It's okay. [he says the words quietly, and there are a plethora of meanings that come with his tone. "it's okay that you pulled back," "it's okay if you're embarrassed," "it's okay if that was too much." stahn doesn't intend to push his luck, and just as he's always been patient in getting leon to come around before, he'll do the same now. even when it's awkward, and even if he didn't really want to break that embrace at all. the peaceful smile remains, and as if to spare leon the feeling of eyes watching his embarrassment, his lids flutter shut as he draws in a quiet breath.
even with all that, his heart is still pounding rapidly; what used to be something that stahn found frustrating is now just an endearing trait that he's come to accept.]
no subject
But his hands feel cold now that they're no longer holding hands, and that's nobody's fault but Leon's.
Why did he have to pull away so firmly...? Why couldn't he have just... kept sitting there and enjoying things? Of course, he knows why. He knows why he has issues with touch and with letting his guard down to that extent. He knows why that was almost too intense for him, with the way he reacted himself. He knows why he had to pull away. But even so...
(In a lot of ways, Leon is always his own worst enemy.)
So despite Stahn's reassurances, Leon's lips twist into an unhappy expression, though he can really only huff faintly in response (a downtrodden sound) before he's bringing his knees back up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them again. It's warm in the room, and the fire is still warm, but he feels so cold now without Stahn's arms around him. And now he doesn't know how to reinitiate, or fix this situation. He doesn't even entirely know what he wants, but this wasn't it.
And so, in that position, he'll stare at the fire, shoulders hunched.
Stupid.]
no subject
he can sense the conflict that comes with this situation; leon's bad with opening up, with closeness and affections—and yet all the same, he was enjoying their moment, wasn't he? but now he's embarrassed and uncomfortable. he knows leon well enough to know that no matter how much he wants to do something, or if he regrets it... that his pride is stopping him.
stahn knows this is the sort of thing that requires him to step in, but he also knows that he can't just do that without a little conditioning first. a cool-down period for leon can get his head on straight. he knows that he can press forward after that, and maybe they'll have better luck with things just when that time comes to pass. so instead, stahn lets out a small hum before he shifts position.
he faces the fire as before, but sidles up to leon as he does so. with his gaze settled on the fire, he moves so that his shoulder just barely touches leon's. but after a moment, he leans back, propping himself up with his elbows and just taking a more casual position.
he'll wait. he'll wait, because he knows he has to wait—if he doesn't, he may just end up upsetting leon, which isn't what he wants. for someone so hot-blooded and passionate, he's really doing his best to handle the situation with care. of all the many things he's done recklessly, this isn't one of them... he genuinely doesn't want to mess this up.]
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He doesn't understand. He's not sure he likes it, honestly--it's a bit much to swallow, when it comes down to it. He needs to be careful. After all... Stahn has his family. They were just discussing this. And family aside, Stahn also wants to adventure, and travel. Leon... can't do that. He has a duty back home, a position to hold onto, and... if Stahn wants to see more of the world, he won't be able to go with him.
It's strange, that the thought that he might, if he could, legitimately crosses his mind.
His shoulders hunch a little further, but his gaze does sneak over to glance at Stahn--and when he realizes that Stahn is looking at the fire and not him, he studies him more intently, as if searching for some resolution to his own quandaries. But all he sees is Stahn watching the fire, with the same lax posture and position as ever, hair a little messier than usual perhaps with the way their foreheads were pressed together for a bit (Leon thinks his own hair might be mussed up too, and his fingers twitch to fix it, but he doesn't move). The same smile. The same air of peaceable affability as ever. And the same eyes that Leon has always found difficult to ignore, if only with how innocent and yet fierce they could be.
Honestly, like this Stahn was a bit of a work of art... someone casually sprawled by the fire, colors painted orange and red. And Leon thinks that maybe that is his answer... that if he could, he would choose to keep doing this with Stahn, for more nights like this. For more fighting back to back, and traveling further, and seeing the way Stahn's face lights up when he sees something new.
... But he can't, so it's ridiculous to even consider it, and Leon sharply turns his head back to the fire, staring into it as intently as he can. He wasn't expecting this to make his thoughts even more complicated, but somehow it happened. Stahn has always been trouble, after all.]
no subject
it makes him smile a little wider, though just as warm and serene as it's been. the expression in his eyes matches it; though they stare forward to watch the blazing warmth of the fire, they still carry the sort of affection that's clearly meant for leon to see. but he's fine like this... he has thoughts of his own too, after all.
things have changed quickly, and honestly... it gives stahn a bit of a different perspective. what does he want in life? he wants to see his family, and he wants to see the world. but does he have to do it at once? does he have to do it right after they finish this journey? maybe there's something else he can do. maybe there's a way to stay near leon? maybe... maybe there's a way they can go on an adventure together some other time, when leon's already made a name for himself and doesn't have to be sunk into nothing but missions all the time. that would be nice, wouldn't it? then they'd be able to see each other and travel together. and really, he wants both of those things. he wants to be near leon, and he wants to keep him safe.
from what, he's not sure. but that's a feeling that's there. he wants to support leon and continue to give him warmth and ensure that he knows what it's like to feel loved and cared for. that... that's important to him, in more ways than he'd taken into consideration during the earlier part of their conversation.]
Hey, Leon... [after a few minutes of silence, stahn breaks the silence with a direct way of addressing him. though his gaze never shifts away from the fire, he continues on before leon can respond, asking a pretty bold question without any hesitation.]
What if I stayed in Darilsheid a while longer when everything is over?
no subject
Leon's startled enough that he himself looks away from the fire, wide eyes fixed onto Stahn almost immediately. But Stahn is as calm and serene as he's been this entire evening, and Leon...
Well, maybe he's overreacting, but isn't it a lot? Isn't Stahn saying quite a lot here, even without actually putting words to it? Isn't Stahn... well, they had just been talking about what he wanted to do with his life, but spending time in Darilsheid had never been part of the plan.
There is really only one reason that Stahn could want that. It's... for Leon solely, isn't it?
(And despite his shock, the warmth that comes of having someone plan something just for him... just to be by him... well, it's a sort of warmth he's never experienced before, isn't it?)]
You...
[He's still startled though, so much so that words don't come easily. How does he say that he would like nothing more than for Stahn to do just that? How does he say that that's given him so much hope for the end of the mission, and not being alone, and... getting more out of this, and not being lonely anymore? He can't say any of that, it's too much, it's far too raw and revealing.
But he wants it.]
...If your decisions on what to do with the future are that lackadaisical, then... do what you want.
[But somehow, Leon doubts that Stahn is truly being lackadaisical. He doubts this sudden switch was really that frivolously made. He thinks... for once he understands, and if Stahn is doing this, it's to be with Leon after the moment they had, and that... it warms him. It warms him more than anything he can think of, while at the same time being something he wants so badly that he can feel his heart ache with the sensation of it.
... But what about Hugo?
This seems perfect, somehow, but... Leon still can't rid himself of the foreboding chill that runs down his spine even so. Will this really be alright?]
no subject
[time for a little bit of soul searching? maybe. maybe it's that, because stahn doesn't have a set path in life that he can see. he doesn't really know what he wants to do; and while he knows he wants to settle down in the future and just be some kind of family man—he's not at that stage yet.
he has time, and once this conflict is resolved, he need to work towards that. he can't stay in leane forever when there's so much more the world has to offer. he can't stay in leane when... leon in darilsheid. or maybe be can but he doesn't want to. and he knows that leon doesn't want that, either. despite the way their conversation from earlier went, he can tell from those words that leon wouldn't mind it. he wouldn't refuse it.
leon could call it lackadaisical if he wants, and maybe there is something impulsive about the idea. but to say it's the first time that it's crossed his mind would be a lie. he hasn't known all along just what to do, or how to go about it. they've been so focused on the mission in front of them that stahn hasn't been afforded too many chances to really sit and figure it out. but when he's next to leon... he feels warm. and the idea of parting from leon so soon after they've figured this out...
it would be lonely.
stahn can recognize that, and if he knows that he would be lonely, then what would that mean for leon, who doesn't have anyone beyond chal and marian? he can't... he can't just leave leon alone, that much is what keeps filtering through his mind every time he tries to figure it out.]
I can go on an adventure later. The world isn't going anywhere, and I'm ntot either. So... I'll have time to do those things. [later, when things are calm. maybe when leon can stay with him and they can experience things together. so then neither of them has to be alone.]
I'll still have to go back to Leane to check in on Gramps and Lilith but... [he shifts his gaze to leon, and the smile on his lips is as warm as can be.] I like Darilsheid a lot, so it would be nice.
[really, what he means of course, is that it'll be nice to be around leon. not that he doesn't like darilsheid, but it could be there, leane, noischtat or even here in cyril, and he'd be perfectly happy because he could be near leon.
...and maybe he could do something about that shared feeling of foreboding, too. he may not have it in the same sense leon does, and he may not even know that it exists with leon. but stahn knows it's there; something about hugo... something about hugo and leon's relationship... he can't leave them alone. something bad feels like it could happen if he does, so that only seals it more in his mind. maybe he's totally wrong and the feeling is a false one, but stahn's not one to misjudge a person. something there is wrong.
so he needs to stay with leon and make sure he doesn't hurt alone if something happens. he needs to be there and be the wall of support he promised just a little while earlier, always.]
no subject
To come with him.
It's such a warm feeling. He... wants Stahn to come with him. Even the thought of Stahn going to Leane for a moment to check on his family feels like it'll be a bit too long, but that's silly. That's obviously necessary, and he'd never keep Stahn from that, so he bites his tongue on it. Stahn will be around. Stahn will be there for him. That's--
... Incredibly clingy of him, isn't it?
Leon's mouth twists a little, but his expression is hard to read; it's pretty clear from his face that he's got a lot of conflicting emotions about this. He's clingy right now, but... he's also found someone who will go to such lengths for him, and it's someone whose company he legitimately enjoys. Basking in the warm that Stahn carries with him everywhere is such a nice feeling, and having that would be...
(What would Hugo think, Leon wonders for a moment.
And then he thinks who cares what that bastard thinks, and it's the first step towards something, though if it's good or bad it's hard to say until it happens.)
Ultimately what he settles on is... pleased, but he can't show Stahn that, so he's quick to turn back towards the fire, burying his chin in his crossed arms to hide his slight smile, which he can feel on his face. It's strange, but... he's been smiling an awful lot for him tonight, hasn't he?]
... Like I said. Do what you want. [Stay with him. He wants this, and it's taking his mind off of that feeling of being left alone at the end of the journey. If he was more aware of things, and less distracted by thoughts of Stahn and the lingering warmth he can still feel from how close they were, he would notice that this hasn't made the foreboding feeling go away--even when it should have.
But for now, he's happy--and that happens preciously little that he's willing to embrace it and not think so hard about it.]
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[even though leon turns away, it doesn't seem to make the room feel any more tense. he doesn't get the sense that leon is doing this to close himself off or pull away. he can't say for sure that he's embarrassed or hiding any sort of happiness with the conversation...
but stahn knows for certain that leon's not trying to wall him off in any way. and for him... that makes it okay. whatever it is that leon's doing right now is okay, because he doesn't feel as if he's being pushed away for a decision like this.]
It's what I want. So... I guess it's decided, then. [lazily flopping backwards as he'd been laying much earlier, the smile just widens on his face. even though the foreboding feeling does exist, stahn's determination to overcome the obstacles trumps that. he's happy right now, like this. he's happy with leon's warmth, he's happy with the idea of staying by leon's side. he knows he can do this without giving up on his own dreams and goals, so why wouldn't he? especially when considering that one of his goals is truly for leon to be happy.
he wants leon to smile easily, and wants leon to be able to acknowledge his feelings without fear or reluctance. he knows those things won't come easily, but stahn truly feels that with time, they'll be able to lean on each other with even greater support than they have up until this point. that's important, and it's important enough to leave leane for. he isn't sure any reason before this has ever been as much so—even if not going back because of the mission counts, his leaving to begin with paled in comparison to what he faces now.
maybe that's why he can decide so easily. and while it would nice to hear leon say that he wants stahn around, it's not necessary. it isn't something stahn needs to hear, because he knows the truth. they've both agreed somehow that with their journey ending... separating after coming so far and making such important realizations means things just can't return as they were.
stahn couldn't leave and forget leon. and he's sure that leon wouldn't forget him either. what's happening today, right now... the sights, the scents, the feelings of warmth... they're all being etched into stahn's memory in a way that he could never dream of forgetting. even though right now, turning onto his side doesn't give him much of a view of leon—he's mostly turned away, so it's the image of his back—it's a sight he won't forget, not ever.
he can't remember ever feeling like this, or feeling this sort of happiness. he's a person with a lot of love and joy, but he keeps feeling blown away by how strongly this resonates with him. is this what it means to have a life changing force in your heart? if it is... then he's okay with it. he'll embrace it, so long as leon does as well.]