realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

—Eh?

[for some reason, leon calling his attention like that so suddenly is a bit startling, which in turn embarrasses stahn just a little more. the roles are a little reversed from the normal, considering stahn isn't the one who usually gets so flustered by things.

but with leon still in that position and looking at him in a way that is so innocent and unaware of any implications from their positioning, it has that effect on stahn. it's not like there's anything wrong with it, of course—but it does lead his mind to wander in the way a teenage boy's very easily could.]

What is it? [he manages to say it without sputtering, but he's obviously still embarrassed, as he doesn't meet leon's gaze even when being addressed.]

[He's...definitely bemused by this. They were on the same page beautifully a few seconds ago, but now he feels like he really doesn't get it at all. What's wrong here, exactly? Why is Stahn looking away? He doesn't seem upset, at least, but there's definitely something not quite right about it.

Unfortunately for poor Stahn, Leon's distracted by this new mystery, which means that while he'd usually have gotten off of Stahn by now, he's not moving.

Instead, he peers closer even, frowning slightly.]

Is something wrong?

[Leon has picked now to be both observant and unobservant, clearly...... don't worry, it'll click eventually. Maybe.]

[drawing attention to this situation is definitely not helping any. it's not really leon's fault, of course; stahn is usually the one to make situations like this a little more obvious.

but it's not helping right now. not with leon still on top of him, so unaware of how dangerous this position is and yet all the same being cute as he questions it. this is completely unfair to stahn.]

No—! [okay, that may have come out a little too obvious. he's been spending a little too much time around leon, it would seem like... at least, without the knowledge that stahn is just trying desperately hard to not let his mind wander at inappropriate times.]

I mean... nothing is wrong... It's just... [stahn makes an indistinguishable face—he's not really sure how to say this out loud at all.]

I got caught in my own thoughts, that's all... [his own embarrassing thoughts.]

[Stahn's caught in his own thoughts... but clearly flustered and embarrassed by them. He's flushed and he's trying to avoid meeting Leon's eyes and Leon's brow furrows a little, clearly bemused as he tries to figure this out.

Ironically, if he wasn't...straddling Stahn right now, he might actually be figuring this out a little more quickly. But because he's in this position while presented with this puzzle, he's distracted from the fact that he is in a bit of a compromising position, focused as he is on Stahn's expression.

In other words, everything is conspiring to make Stahn's life hard.]

Your own thoughts? [???] They appear to be flustering thoughts.

[Hmmmmm....... What could be flustering Stahn right now? Is he thinking about the previous night?]

[that's probably not the only thing he's making hard right now, honestly.]

It's nothing! Hahah... Don't worry about it, I'm okay.

[he's fine! this is fine!

except he is thinking about the previous night and also a little about right now and just how easily things could take such a different direction if they allowed it. but they're not even doing anything to warrant that, and stahn knows that it probably wouldn't help the situation.

it's something they need to talk about at some point, but not right now. not like this. so stahn is going to try and just get off the topic. the more leon tries to figure it out, the most stahn can't stop thinking about just putting his hands all over leon this way.

he forces a smile (only forced in that he's trying to force away how flustered he is), shaking his head a bit).]

You can keep doing what you were doing...

[He'd probably notice that thing, honestly.

Stahn??? Stahn.... Leon's still baffled, but he does tilt his head to one side at that. Continue...doing what he was doing? He wasn't doing anything in particular, he thinks, but when he casts back, he does realize--]

Stretching?

[??? It's not even his proper routine, he was just getting the kinks out of his back, why are you looking at him like that.]

I haven't done anything. I suppose if you were looking to join me in my routine [no not like that] that would be possible.

[no... that's not really what stahn wants at all. even if he's flustered by the positioning and the fact that leon is completely clueless as to why he's flustered, he still doesn't want leon to get up.

getting up means starting the day properly, it means having to be more reserved with their feelings and general.. well, everything. so stahn scrunches his nose a bit at the suggestion. even if it probably would be better for his heart rate for leon to get off of him... he still doesn't want that. especially not when leon is so confused.

it would also probably be better to let it go, especially after he's insisted that nothing is wrong (nothing is wrong, but-), but stahn can't do that. for some reason, it feels a little dishonest. he doesn't have the words though, so he seeks out leons hands, guiding them to his chest to feel the way stahn's heart is beating. it's racing, pounding hard enough that it seems like his chest could explode. ...he may just be a little worked up right now.]

You... don't usually sit that way, Leon. [THERE. somehow, he said it.

kind of.

talking about this kind of thing is difficult.]

[He...doesn't usually sit this way?

It still takes a moment for that to sink in, even as Stahn gently grabs his hands and guides them to his chest, and...

That's Stahn's heart beating so rapidly, as though it's going to beat right out of his chest, but it isn't as though they'd been doing anything that was particularly heavy exertion-wise--]

[... He doesn't usually.

Sit this way.

............................Ah.]

[It all sinks in very suddenly and with great prejudice, honestly. One second he's placidly and innocently straddling Stahn, and the next he's gone rigid, expression properly flustered to match Stahn's. Now that he realizes exactly how he's sitting, and exactly how it's flustered Stahn, he can't deny that this is ridiculously embarrassing. He hadn't meant to do this, after all. It had just...happened.

And now, he's not actually sure what to do with it, because he was comfortable like this, and Stahn clearly doesn't want him to get up, and yet--

There's a distinct blush to Leon's face now that it's all sinking in, though he can only clear his throat, hands still pressed to Stahn's chest.]

... Ah.

[Yeah, Leon.

"Ah."]

I... that is, this position is-- [... UH.] ...I didn't mean to fluster you.

[SHOULD HE MOVE? He feels like he should move.]

[now they're both flustered despite the fact that they're not even doing anything remotely suggestive otherwise.]

No—it's... [it's not like he wants leon to feel apologetic for it. he's not upset and he doesn't particularly want leon to leave because he still wants to stay close.]

My thoughts got away from me... it's okay Leon, really...! [he's so flustered. saying that out loud is just further admission that he was thinking about the night before and how close they were to taking that next step—and how being in such a suggestive position is only just a step away from that.

he's embarrassed.

he's so embarrassed.

it's not like these thoughts have never crossed his mind before, obviously. it's not like leon isn't aware of that fact by now too. but it's not something they talk about since it always ends in them being flustered.

like now, for example.

it's a struggle, liking leon this much and wanting to treat these matters delicately... but also being 19 and having all of these feelings of attraction that really can't be tamed so easily. it's not easy holding himself back as much as he does, so it makes moments like this all the more flustering.]

Edited 2016-04-30 07:04 (UTC)

[It is such a struggle, and they're both embarrassed--but, well, it's clear Stahn doesn't want Leon to move. And...so he doesn't, settling back to try to relax as much as possible in this position despite the fact that he's distinctly aware of how it looks now.

After all, he's not clueless either. While they haven't taken this next step, they were pretty close to it the night before, and if he hadn't gotten tired, he wonders if they would have made it that far. Stahn's hands had been under his shirt, exploring his skin, hadn't they? It was only a few steps away...

... But like this, they're being entirely innocent.

It's just a matter of definitely being flustered by what could have been. Honestly, the nicest thing Leon could do would be to allow Stahn to shift the topic, but... if Stahn doesn't want Leon to move, then Leon thinks he can indulge in himself as well, and now that the topic's on his mind again, he can't let it go.]

And what, exactly, were you thinking about?

[He knows, of course; he's not clueless. But he's looking for some sort of confirmation, or at least an acknowledgement. For now, it's been a taboo topic, but Leon's pretty sure they were crossing all of those lines earlier.

Just how far would they have gotten last night?

As ever, Leon approaches things he wants to know head-on, even when some tact might honestly be kinder (especially considering how they're still sitting).]

Leon...

[tact would definitely be a lot kinder right now, but there's that part of stahn that knows that by addressing the topic at all, it was well likely that leon would want to delve further into this topic.

but that doesn't make it any easier to talk about.

stahn's gaze averts again, and he can't help but to pull a hand over his mouth to mask his further embarrassment for a moment.]

It was...

[he starts, but this is difficult. maybe there's no better time than now to talk about. after things started getting heated last night, and now when them in this position... maybe they need to. it's not as if leon is stupid, and stahn is sure that now he's caught on, he knows where this conversation is headed. and if leon is the one initiating this talk then... maybe it's okay. maybe it's not crossing any lines.

but he still worries that he'll make leon uncomfortable by saying it aloud. there's no way of knowing, but it's too late to back out now. he can only hope that they're truly ready to start addressing this, that maybe the next step is something they really are moving towards. maybe last night wasn't a fluke? he's embarrassed, he's concerned about this changing things, he's worried about leon's comfort. the usual, really.]

The way you looked, stretching that way, like this— ["like this" as in, while straddling his waist.] Last night, and your skin—

[this is too much, even for stahn though. he closes his eyes, almost wincing before letting out a defeated sigh, followed by a groan, but no other words.

this is too much! it's too much for him! he's half-expecting leon to get annoyed at stahn's inability to articulate what he's feeling, but he's not good under this kind of pressure, not when it's leon that's making him so nervous to begin with.

it's kind of the worst. how do people talk about these things? do people talk about these things, or do they just magically know when it's okay and do it without words? stahn doesn't know, because he has absolutely no experience with this topic.]

[Stahn still too good for this world (though less pure); Leon watches him carefully as he tries to find words (and there is a part of him that feels a little guilty about it, because he knows this can't be easy to talk about at all, and he knows entirely where this is going. But he needs to hear it from Stahn to be entirely sure, to know that this is what Stahn wants as well in the end, because even if Leon doesn't really know how to handle this sort of thing himself, he knows he wants it.

How could he not, when there's so much about Stahn he wants and loves?

How could he not, when Stahn's sleepy smile, and Stahn's bright blue eyes, and even the way that Stahn looks so sheepish and embarrassed here and now just make Leon so much surer that he wants everything about him?

The attraction is very much a mutual thing, there's no doubt about that; Leon looks down at Stahn from his position on top and knows that he enjoys this view, even as he wonders, too, what it would be like in the reverse. So when Stahn looks embarrassed like that, trying so hard to make words meet on a topic that neither of them really knows how to talk about, Leon just...pauses. And then his lips twitch into the briefest of smiles (it's cruel to be amused right now when Stahn's so embarrassed, but he really is), before he nods.]

I'd thought it was something like that. [But he needed to hear it in Stahn's voice. And now he knows completely and positively, for sure.] Not...this morning; we have already remained in bed far too long. But...

[It's Leon's turn to struggle for words, but... hasn't he always just gone for it when there was something he wanted? This is no different, even if he has to clamp down on his awkwardness to even get the words out.]

... I would not...be opposed at another time.

[Because honestly? He feels the same way, even if it's impossible for him to put that into words.]

Edited 2016-04-30 16:48 (UTC)

[if nothing else, the fact that stahn is so good at deciphering leon's words from his intent is incredibly useful at times like this. leon doesn't actually have to say that he also feels this way, because the fact that he's telling stahn at all that at another time they can take things further means he has to.

leon wouldn't say those things if he wasn't comfortable with it, after all.

he can understand it though; neither of them seems to be good at finding the right words for a situation like this. they both know what they want pretty well, so it's just a matter of trying to make good on it. stahn can't really argue leon's reasons for refusing right now—and it's not really like he meant right at this moment. it's early in the day, and... well, exciting as that may be, it feels like something better saved for a time when they know that they won't be faced with interruptions. it's fine... they can take their time and handle it at a moment when they're both ready.

but at least now, stahn can meet leon's gaze once again. his cheeks are still flushed with embarrassment, but he finds it in him to smile, elated and warm at the fact that leon isn't refusing or balking. even if he did smile at stahn's embarrassment (which was further embarrassing, but eh. minor details), the fact that leon reacts this way make it a lot easier for stahn to look at him so directly. after a moment, he'll reach out, outstretching his arm until his hand can reach leon's cheek to touch it lightly, sweeping his thumb across the skin back and further a little.]

It's not something we have to rush. We can just... take things as they come. [which is stahn's way of saying there's no pressure. it's something he's definitely been thinking about; that he has in the past and definitely has a harder time getting off his mind with the knowledge that leon's consent is present.

but he's not going to force it or try to push any hard timeline into when they should do this. it's hard to talk about, but when the time is right, they'll know? maybe it's something like that. either way, he's not disappointed about the response, nor is he going to try and rush leon into it, either.]

[Sometimes, maybe they don't need words.

It's a nice thought, because Leon doesn't have words for this--doesn't have words for what he wants. He doesn't know how to say that he wants to be able to touch Stahn in return, to be able to feel what it's like to have fingers on skin, and the level of intimacy that will allow them to do whatever feels right without having to worry about words or boundaries.

Slowly, Leon breathes out a quiet breath, tilting his head slightly to lean into Stahn's touch. His cheek is undoubtedly warm, because he's still a little flustered from both the position and the topic, but he's still not backing down. They don't have to rush. They'll take things as they come.

That seems...fair.

Especially since Leon knows it really won't be long, knowing them. Stahn's been so careful with Leon's own boundaries, but when he thinks about the night before and how that was--well, he can't help how he licks his lips and swallows, though he knows now isn't the time.

(But it was good. It was very good, and he wants to do it again.)

For now, though, he tries to focus on something else (anything else) and meets Stahn's eyes. A-ahem.]

...With that settled, we still cannot remain in this position all morning.

[having this level of understanding feels monumental, in a sense. stahn's more than aware of how difficult this must be for leon—even if it's being made clear to him that many of those boundaries have been scaled. still, he knows that for leon, who was once so completely closed off that it felt like he needed permission just to brush shoulders at one point...

this is massive.

his eyes stay fixed on leon now, even if there is a bit of a glassy stare to that gaze, because he's just completely absorbing the way leon looks right now. in this moment, when leon is taking a step forward—where they both are, really—and while everything about the situation just feels so warm and right. the previous night wasn't some kind of a mistake or a fluke; it was a step forward. these are things that can't be ignored, even if leon is right in that they can't just stay like this for the rest of the day.

nice as that would be.

in some ways, stahn's mind is still racing over every implication... or what could be considered more a declaration of intent. there's not much way that stahn won't be things about this for a while, even as they continue on. leon letting down those walls, letting stahn in, making himself willing and available for the sort of intimacy that stahn wasn't sure he'd every really be comfortable with—hwo could that flit from his mind so easily? it's almost a tease at this point, when they'd come so close and now have no plan.

but it's fine. it's fine, because the intent has been declared, and he knows that when leon is ready, he'll allow things to progress. (this doesn't account for the fact that stahn doesn't really know what will come beyond that, but as ever, they'll figure it out.) he can try to let it go, though stahn isn't entirely ready to let leon leave yet. his hand falls way from leon's cheek dragging down to his arm to tug leon closer to him.]

Just another minute... [he protests gently; he wants to hug leon just a little more before they really get up to start the day properly.]

[Stahn reaches forward and tugs Leon closer and Leon isn't prepared for it, honestly; he makes a startled noise as he's suddenly tugged forward, though he catches himself before there's any actual collision, since it's not like Stahn was pulling him that hard. But after a brief grumble over the tug (you could've just asked), Leon settled there again, laying once more on top of Stahn instead of straddling him like before.

This is admittedly a bit more innocent of a position, Leon thinks, which helps. He knows where both of their minds have gone, and it's surprisingly hard to shake that association. Perhaps it's for the better that they're back to a more innocent position, even if there's undeniably something very warm and affectionate in it as well.

...Well. They can figure it out later. For now, Leon's comfortable like this, and he has the feeling that is the intent. (Because he hasn't quite realized that Stahn, with all of his care in watching for Leon's boundaries and taking care of him, can be clingy too.)

So he just pillows his cheek on Stahn's chest, grumbling only softly.]

You are being ridiculous... I cannot recall if I have ever remained in bed this late before.

[Ridiculous!!!

Not that Leon's moving to leave, but still.]

[it makes stahn breathe out a quiet laugh; leon grumbles and protests and complains about these things, but it doesn't matter all that much because he still lays there. he still remains close to stahn, absorbing the affection that he has to offer.

this really is just a moment of stahn being clingy because he wants to be close to leon at all costs. it's nothing more and nothing less, even if it sits on an even playing field with trying to get their minds off the more racy thoughts that have become part of their conversation.]

It's okay to be ridiculous today. [what?

okay, so maybe stahn is just deciding that out of the blue, because it's verbally justifying staying like this a little longer. even if leon isn't actually protesting too much here.]

It's a day off after a long mission, and we're not going anywhere. It's not like you'll be late for anything. [his logic is totally sound, right? whatever, stahn's just going to hug leon a little closer anyway.] Today can go a little differently than usual.

[it's fine! take a page out of stahn's book, etc.]

Honestly.

[That's just a grumble too, even as Leon shifts a little, turning his head until he can meet Stahn's eyes a little easier. But it's really only so he can make an unimpressed face. As comfortable as this is, and as nice as the warmth is, Leon really doesn't do well with inactivity. He's lived a life of hustle and bustle and constant movement and improvement.

So as much as he appreciates this for what it is, he knows he can't really stay here for much longer.]

I may not be late for anything, but it will throw off our entire routine if we do not get up and eat at a reasonable hour.

[It'll put them off their lunch and then their dinner!!! Leon likes schedules when he's home to have them. He can't on missions, so there's something comforting about having breakfast, lunch and dinner at set times.]

We have spent long enough here. [Even if he...still isn't moving. Just yet. Bear with him.]

I didn't say we wouldn't eat soon...

[there's a slight whine to his voice. leon still isn't moving, but stahn knows that it's inevitable and he wants to hold on to every last moment of it that he can. in some ways, he really can be just like a little kid.

he can't help himself, not when it comes to things like this.]

But once we get up, that's it for the day, right? [yes, this is his protest.] We can't do this out there, so...

[stahn just wants to absorb it for a little bit longer. since he knows that side from stolen moments when nobody is looking, there won't be any real affection until they retire to their room for the night. he just wants to hold on to it for as long as he can. he'll be the clingy one until leon really does insist on getting up—since he knows that time is drawing near with just how much leon is pointing out that they can't stay this way.]

[It is absolutely inevitable, but Stahn's whining does at least seem to be having some effect--if only because Leon knows he's right. It's only a matter of time before they get up and start their day, and after that...there's no going back really. There won't be any of this affection or closeness that they've been having.

Quietly, Leon sighs, shaking his head.

It may be Stahn being clinging, but it's not like he can argue it right now--not after their previous night and morning, and not when he thinks about the previous night. And not necessarily their heated kissing (though his thoughts linger there almost unbidden), but.... he can remember the feeling of that close call and how his first thought was that he needed to be able to see Stahn again.

Getting up early with that in mind seems premature, and so Leon doesn't actually (surprisingly) argue it, instead just resettling himself on Stahn's chest. Weirdly, Stahn wins that one, at least for now.]

[stahn didn't really expect leon would concede that way, but all the same, there will be no complaints about it.

he's got leon comfortable in his arms now, and that's what's really most important to him. the thought crosses hi mind when he too remembers what leon had said the night before—he'd had a close call. if that close call had been any worse, there's a chance they wouldn't be like this right now.

it's a scary thought, and it causes stahn's grip to tighten just a little bit. he's grateful and fortunate that leon wasn't taken from him, he's happy that they can have a moment like this to themselves. he wants to embrace it, and he doesn't want to forget it. the racing of stahn's heart finally does start to ease, slowing to a more normal pace, though each beat itself still seems hard in his chest.]

I know it's selfish... [he breaks the silence, but makes no attempt to move.] But... thank you.

[for staying with him like this. for coming home.

just like so many other times, stahn's thanks are more than what they appear on the surface, they always say the words he doesn't really know how to convey to leon, or the ones he knows will put leon on edge somehow. but there's more to be said, something he really doesn't say to often, even when it's implied.]

I'm happy like this.

[When he feels Stahn's grip tighten, Leon knows that his thoughts have gone the same place Leon's himself went.

It's tough, honestly. They know that it's fine now. That Leon's safe and home, and yet...the remembrance is tough to shake, and Leon doesn't necessarily want to let go of Stahn here and now. On the other hand...this is absolutely ruining his schedule, which bothers him too.

It's tough being Leon Magnus, honestly. What a difficult life choice.

So Leon just huffs faintly at Stahn's words, though there's no vitriol to be found. The thanks isn't necessary, but he gets it. He gets, by now, what Stahn's trying to say, which makes it easier to just...accept it.

(Besides, he's happy like this too.)]

Is this enough?

[The question is asked...well, rather suddenly and out of the blue, but he can't really help it. After what happened last night (both before and after he came into the room), and after every possibility...is just this enough for Stahn? Leon doesn't know--but he's getting better at communicating just a bit, at least.]

It's always enough.

[stahn responds with no hesitation, there's barely enough time for him to think about it. it's something he needs leon to know, because if it's being called into question...

well, stahn wants to make sure there's never any room for doubt.]

Emilio... [he starts, and maybe how serious stahn is about this can be indicated in just the fact that he refers to leon by that name. that name, reserved only for private quarters, only for the most intimate of moments. he's gotten used to being able to say it, though stahn is still pretty choosy about when he feels it best.

and right now... right now is that time for him.]

As— as long as you come home, that's enough. [he fumbles on his words a bit as he tries to say it. he's not always the best at directly addressing his feeling in words either; it's easier to just hug leon or kiss him chastely to convey things. but sometimes words are necessary, and now is a time when he thinks that physical gestures would cheapen what he feels about it.] Everything else... we can figure it out as we go. We can learn together but...

[whether it's figure out how to put their feelings into words, how to pursue the goals they have in life, or just what comes next when things get heated—they're things that can be sorted a little at a time. stahn's not in a rush, even if some things definitely make him excited or eager, he'll always maintain the boundaries they need without complaint, because he wants to make sure leon is always comfortable with how things progress.]

You have to come home for that. [which is the underlined point here. stahn doesn't want to think about the what ifs. he doesn't want to think about leon being killed in action, even if that possibility is real, and he doesn't want to think about a situation where he'll never see leon again for the rest of his life.

that's terrifying. so every other thing can wait. he'll deal with leon's fussing, or how many times leon will get out of bed before he's away enough to roll over and give a good morning kiss. he'll deal with the long missions, with people in the city whispering about them curiously. he'll deal with walls and boundaries and sometimes feeling too stupid and incapable to be at leon's side. none of that matters as long as leon comes home at the end of the day, or the end of a mission and they can just lounge together and unwind before crawling into their shared bed and going to sleep every night.]

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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