realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[why is he still so difficult sometimes!!]

Or maybe you just don't want to admit I'm right. [two can play at this game, after all. he sure can be fussy and childish when he wants to be—and somehow judas still hasn't forgotten what buttons to press in this situation.

stahn knows he's teasing too, but he still would like!! for judas!! to acknowledge it... maybe a little...]

[Because.....he's still Leon Magnus deep down inside...]

That has nothing to do with it.

[Stahn can win a lot of things, just be sheer overwhelming Judas with affection or dad-like wisdom or his warm kindness--

But something like this is pretty easy for Judas to keep on arguing, silly as it is.]

If nothing else, I suppose you will be more aware of what things like "ambush" and "sneaky" mean now, as opposed to blundering right into things.

[If Stahn's going to open himself up to old teasing, Judas isn't going to hesitate.]

L—

[he almost does it. he almost blurts out that classic whine of "leeeeoooooonnnnnnnnn," out of the sheer habit that comes from the way the teasing comes about.

but he catches himself and stops—that was two lives ago for judas, and that's just bad news. so he holds his tongue, but it doesn't stop him from pouting like a kid.]

I wasn't that bad, you know.

[It's so nostalgic, it almost makes his heart ache.

Judas knows what Stahn was about to do and say--he's heard that sort of whiny tone with his name so often before, it's so familiar it's like it was almost yesterday.

But.

But he's not Leon Magnus anymore. And even if it's a strange feeling, a mix of triumph and sincere ache for what he'd lost like that, all of the times with his friends, all of the times of Stahn calling his name out like this, of the others knowing him as Leon Magnus, the obnoxious prodigy knight, but also their friend.

The expression he makes in response to that is a little funny--a bit of a half-smile, wry and tired in equal measure, amused and sad all at once, and then he nods, and concedes.]

...Perhaps you weren't. Maybe I am the one remembering it differently.

[okay, so maybe stahn's childish whining will be brought to an end after that concession—though it's a little less that and a lot more the mix of emotions he can glean from judas than anything else.

there are a lot of mixed emotions in it, and it's enough to bring stahn a little closer to reality. he's all for childish and playful teasing and keep an atmosphere fun when it calls for it. but this isn't something he can ignore either, so stahn draws in a breath and his expression grows a little warmer and more subdued.]

...Maybe it's a little bit of both. It's... been a long time, for both of us.

[Of course Stahn would catch onto that. Judas doesn't even know why he's surprised by it anymore. After all... it's Stahn. And it's Stahn after he truly came into his own and became the person he wanted to be.

The sort of person who is constantly caring for others.

Still, that doesn't mean Judas is the sort of person to want to be cared for. Instead, he simply nods quietly, but doesn't seem to otherwise have any interest in delving into what he's feeling.]

True enough. I imagine you are still just as reckless as you were then, however.

[to that though, stahn will shake his head. he won't deny that he's been reckless plenty of times in the past. but it's not that simple anymore.]

No... I have too much to lose if I'm reckless. [he'll elaborate on that.]

I would do anything to protect any of you... my family. Even if it means my own life. But I won't do anything to put life in danger any other way. If I'm gone...

[he closes his eyes, and though the sentiment is definitely a bittersweet one, considering what he knows about the other timelines now—he sounds more resolved than anything else.] Everyone would be sad. I know they would get by, but I can't do anything to do that to them unless it really can't be helped.

[he won't go blindly getting in over his head or fighting monsters or men that could take his life just for the thrill. he can't live like the hot-blooded kid he was eighteen years ago. he has a family to protect and provide for.]

If I make them sad... then I'll have failed them.

[Well then.

It surprises him, it honestly does, but... in a good way. Even if he has to grimace when Stahn says that he'd give his life for his family (because he'd tried so hard to prevent just that from happening before), the rest is...well, it's very adult of him He's a caretaker, and he has a lot of people who depend on him.

It's admirable.

Judas' lips twitch in a smile finally, and he nods--before reaching out and resting his hand on Stahn's shoulder, a bit of an acknowledging and accepting gesture all in one.]

... Good then. That is as it should be.

[It's a short response, but... he hopes that Stahn will understand that in a lot of ways, he's proud too.]

Edited 2016-06-16 00:52 (UTC)

[ah.

for a moment, stahn definitely looks a bit taken aback for judas' gesture. he absolutely didn't expect that hand on his shoulder, and somehow... it speaks volumes.

that, along with his smiles and those words...

it shows that no matter how much judas teases or acts as if stahn was reckless and incompetent and not someone he enjoyed fighting with—that it's not the case at all. they were always best friends even in the toughest of times (no matter what leon may have believed at the time). and he can sense the subdued sense of pride that just continues to solidify their friendship.]

In the end... this is what you were fighting for, wasn't it? [he smiles softly at judas, ultimately recalling how he made note of how mad he was at the way history was changed and what it meant for their friends.]

...I'm not going to waste the chances you've give me, Emilio.

[He can't deny that...he worked really hard to be there to save Stahn. And that now, he'd do the same. Stahn says that he'd lay down his life to protect Judas and his family, but Judas knows full well--if that time ever came, he'd throw himself forward to take the blow immediately. This is already his third chance at living--two full chances more than most people get.

He's been blessed with it. It's been a good life, even if only a few months so far, and he's grateful. He's certainly not taking it for granted.

But he also knows that it is not worth more than Stahn's life. And he'd give it up in a heartbeat for Stahn.

Thankfully... right now that's not a problem, and instead he can just focus on Stahn's words and nodding.]

I would not expect you to. [Waste it, that is.] There had never been a doubt in my mind that it was worth doing.

[That saving Stahn was worth throwing everything else aside and doing it.]

[it's for the better that topic doesn't come up, since... stahn wouldn't be able to accept it. he can't accept the idea of judas giving up his life for that cause, not when he finally has the chance to live peacefully.

so yes, it's definitely good that they can stay off that topic.

instead, what judas will get is a look that is... incredibly touched. it's possible that it's the most touched he would have ever seen stahn. he's probably seen stahn's tears enough time from what a crybaby he can be, but this is different.

stahn isn't crying, even if there is a bit of glassiness to his gaze. but still, he's smiling so warmly, so full of love and appreciation. and how could he feel any other way when he hears something like that coming from judas.]

You're... a good friend, Emilio. The best.

[because he knows how much judas struggled in order to be able to do what he did. and even if stahn has no way of recalling it... his feelings don't waver, because he knows this to be true.]

I was always right to keep trusting you. In the end... we're here now because of it. [because ultimately, he's always trusted leon with his back. he's always trusted leon to make the choices best fit, and into his life as judas, he ultimately ended up saving stahn's life more than once.

his best friend—for all the time that's passed, for all that people tried to tell him that he was wrong for trusting leon even well after he had met his end...

stahn never wavered on that either, and eighteen years of that firm belief has culminated in a chance to fight alongside his best friend again and sincerely acknowledge his feelings on the matter.]

[He's far from the best of friends, Judas knows that much. For all that he helped out here, for all that he was able to save Stahn here, it was still only amending what he did before.

He still hasn't done anything particularly praiseworthy. But... maybe now--maybe during this Emilio life, maybe he can be. Maybe...he can be the sort of best friend Stahn has always called him and believed in him to be.

Maybe he can do that, and that...might be enough.

He hopes so.

Either way, for now he just shakes his head quietly.]

Don't underestimate your son.

[Judas did a lot, there's no denying that. But knowing Kyle and Loni and Reala--]

They would have done what I helped them do, with or without me.

[He's not upset about it, though; if anything, he's proud of them too. They're strong, and they're tenacious. They could have done it, and that's amazing.

And Judas wasn't necessary to do it.]

I'm not. What Kyle, Loni and the others all did... I know they would have fought as hard as they could no matter what.

[stahn knows how much kyle is like him in that way, and he knows loni can be pretty determined too. but still... but still, even knowing that, stahn refuses to downplay what judas accomplished.

kyle, loni, reala, nanaly, harold and judas all achieved great things; things that would give stahn the life he has right now. and that's why:]

But we're talking about you right now, Emilio. We're talking about the things you[because judas is still leon, and he knows so many things. he's a person with a lot of answers, so no matter how much he tries to downplay that...] I know Kyle trusted you and looked to you when he didn't understand something.

[because he is his father's son, and stahn knows that.]

But I also know... You did those things because you wanted to. You wanted to do right by me, by our friendship.... by everything. That deserves credit too. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't the truth.

[no matter how much judas tries to downplay that fact.] Everything you did—for me, for our family, and for them especially when they needed it...

I won't ignore how much you deserve for that. Even if nobody else remembers it, what you did... it was heroic.

[It's...honestly a bit too much. Judas still doesn't think he deserves these sorts of accolades. Sure, he was there for Kyle when he needed him, and he was able to get everyone out of some tight spots. Sure, he was the one with the knowledge they needed when they needed it, even if a lot of it came from Chal and was just relayed.

But even so...he didn't do anything worth admiring. He even kept some information from them until they'd found it out themselves, even though it might had sped things up and made things somewhat less painful.

So even if he did work hard to help Stahn, and the others as well... he doesn't think that that's true at all.

Which is why he frowns a little at that, before he looks away, back towards the window instead.]

I'm not a hero. [That response comes immediately. Nothing he's done makes him a hero. Kyle, yes. Loni and the others, yes. Even Reala, who was searching for a hero, came to be one in her own right. But Judas? Absolutely not. He's a traitor, not a hero, and a few good deeds won't change that.]

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous.

[his response is immediate, and it's firm. it's the sort of response stahn can't and won't accept—and that's because his perspective about this is incredibly different than judas'.]

You fought by their side until the end. You helped them to fix to fix the world. You prevented time itself from being changed in more than one place. And even before that you fought with us... you'd even gone against orders to try destroy the Eye of God with us.

[and...] How many times have you saved my life now, Emilio? It... it feels like a lot.

[regardless of where judas settles his gaze, stahn is the one who straightens in his seat, expression firm as he continues.]

Maybe not everything you did was heroic. Maybe history doesn't remember you the way I do... But the one thing I know is that you've done more good for everyone in this world than you have to harm it. You've done taken the steps you needed to in order to make up for the things you regretted...

So many things you've done, Emilio... they're heroic. So no matter what... to me... You're still a hero.

[as someone who is considered one of history's greatest heroes, he's pretty sure he can decide this for himself.]

You are.

[This is one thing Judas can't budge on. He's learned to compromise on a lot of things, and especially with Stahn he's typically calmer and more willing to change, at the very least, what he's saying or thinking. He doesn't want to upset Stahn, not when...well, being able to be around Stahn is special in and of itself.

He wants to embrace all of those moments. He doesn't want to spend that time arguing with Stahn.

But this... it's wrong, plain and simple, and he can't accept it. Being put on the same level as Stahn and Kyle... it's wrong.

It's wrong and Judas just can't accept it, even if he knows that arguing with Stahn over this is an exercise in futility.]

Regardless of what I have or have not done, I am not a hero.

[He never has been.

He never will be.]

[an exercise in futility it certainly is, because stahn's gaze will harden a bit more.]

That's... not something you get to decide by yourself. A person... they can't decide that they're a hero alone, but that means they can't decide they aren't, either.

[funny how that works, isn't it?] It doesn't matter if you don't think you are. It doesn't matter if you don't want to be one.

[stahn closes his eyes and he shakes his head. this is something he feels so strongly about. it's something that stahn himself can't budge on, because in his heart, he always knew that leon was a good person; he wanted to do the right thing.

he made mistakes, and if not for the way he gave his life, it's entirely likely that he would have been remembered as a hero despite his misdeeds—because he wanted to repent. he wanted to fight alongside the swordian masters and stop hugo (and ultimately, miktran), and surely the king of seinegald would have understood what happened, even if he faced some punishment for it somehow.

but add that in with his actions as judas, with how he protected kyle and loni, how he did what he could to return stahn's life in so many ways, and what he gave up to do them all...]

To me, you're a hero.

[He... doesn't want Stahn to think he's a hero.

He doesn't want to think that he's a hero himself. He doesn't want to even begin to consider that possibility, because he knows it isn't true.

He doesn't want this at all. More than anything, when he thinks of calling himself a hero or being called a hero...

Judas ducks his head at that, frowning a little, and when he finally responds, it's almost painfully honest, quiet as he is.]

... It makes me feel like a fraud.

[Just as Emilio occasionally makes him feel like a fraud--even though that's his real name. Being called that by everyone....it almost feels like he's pretending to be something he's not. Being called a hero? That just makes it even worse.]

You're not a fraud. You've never been a fraud.

[stahn won't concede on what he feels. no matter what it is judas wants him to believe, this much can't be changed.

but he speaks a little more gently this time, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. maybe he was a little too harsh in saying that—but even this stahn, who has grown up to be a doting father—is still fiery and passionate as he always has been. when he feels strongly about something, he can't hold himself back.

but right now, he needs to calm himself, so he draws in a breath.]

You can't change the way I feel about this. I've always felt that way... even back then, I always wanted to be as good as you were on the battlefield. Right until the last fight, I thought "how would Leon do this? Would he dodge here? Would he strike?"

I spent a lot of time trying to remember how you fought, because I felt like if I could use some of that, we'd be able to succeed even when things were the worst.

[judas will get an admission that even rutee never heard from stahn, even if everyone else had probably figured it out on their own.]

No matter how I look at it, you've always been amazing and strong. So... my mind is made on that. But...

I don't want you to feel bad about that either.

[Slowly, he looks up to meet Stahn's gaze once he places that hand on his arm, and though he looks unconvinced, there's no denying that Stahn's words do have some effect. Judas hesitates then, searching Stahn's gaze, but... of course, he's being entirely sincere.

It's Stahn.

That's what he does. He wouldn't lie to him.

And to think that he had that sort of effect on Stahn is honestly kind of mindboggling. He's quiet for a long moment, trying to find words, before finally, he sighs, shaking his head slightly.]

... If I could be that for you, then I am glad. [If he could be some sort of light in the dark--he's glad, because Stahn was always that for him. Eternally, and even now, he still is.]

But even so... don't call me a hero. [Because even so, it's hard for him to stomach and swallow.] I know how you feel about what I've done. And I know that you won't be changing your mind on that. But I can't either.

[And he still doesn't think he deserves to be considered a hero.]

Okay.

[stahn concedes quietly. not because he's agreeing with the idea that judas isn't a hero, but because his comfort levels matter more to stahn than drilling this point into his head.

maybe with time, he could make judas see how valuable a person he is. maybe he could gain perspective and learn to accept that there are people in this world that would consider him a hero despite his transgressions.]

As long as you know that. As long as you know that it doesn't change my mind—I won't call you that.

[not in that way, at least. but it doesn't really mean he'll give up on the issue permanently, because that's not the sort of person stahn is.]

[It's a bit of a relief.

As nice as it is to know that Stahn thinks so highly of him, Judas knows that he can't accept the idea that he might be considered a hero, not after everything. But as ever, Stahn's understanding, and that's enough--he nods quietly in response to that, settling a little.

Stahn can think he's a hero--even if Judas doesn't think it's true, that's fine, since he knows Stahn practically never changes his mind about things like that.

But so long as he doesn't tell Judas, doesn't make him face that side of himself and think about it, he'll be fine.]

... Thank you.

[After that quiet response, though, he just shakes his head and changes the subject to try to lighten the mood.]

When do you think we will be able to leave? [Not that he's in a hurry, but it's a good topic jump.]

[this is why it's a shame that he can't just talk to kyle and loni about these matters; because they would agree with him and make it even more impossible for judas to deny.

but that's not the case, so stahn will nod his head and let out a quiet hum. judas understands that his mind won't be changed, and stahn intends to respect judas' boundaries and try to whittle away at them in the same manner he always had in the past.

for now, he lets it go. because as much as he wants those things to be understood, he can't turn off the idea of making sure judas is happy, healthy, and comfortable.

in the end... that's what he thinks is most important here. so rather than dwell, he moves with the flow of the conversation.]

A few days, maybe? Next week at the latest. I don't think Rutee will mind with our reasons, and Kyle is here to help anyway.

[Stahn goes with the subject change and it's honestly a relief. Not that he doesn't appreciate Stahn's faith in him, but...

Judas isn't prepared to confront that part of him, and all of the issues that come along with it. He's touchy about the word "hero"; it's one of the reasons he even talked to Kyle in the first place.]

Mm. [A nod, and a quiet understanding noise.]

That's acceptable. I can prepare our supplies. [At least he's used to preparing for trips...]

Okay. I'll leave that to you... I know you won't forget anything.

[for all the times that stahn can't help to turn off his dad sensibilities, he still treats judas as an equal. stahn knows he can trust him with preparing all of those things efficiently, and so.]

I'll take care of all the other arrangements. [which really mostly means the money and the planning when to go, but that's still enough.]

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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