realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

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Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

[this is a catch-all for boyfriends

here's a list

- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]

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[it's for the better that topic doesn't come up, since... stahn wouldn't be able to accept it. he can't accept the idea of judas giving up his life for that cause, not when he finally has the chance to live peacefully.

so yes, it's definitely good that they can stay off that topic.

instead, what judas will get is a look that is... incredibly touched. it's possible that it's the most touched he would have ever seen stahn. he's probably seen stahn's tears enough time from what a crybaby he can be, but this is different.

stahn isn't crying, even if there is a bit of glassiness to his gaze. but still, he's smiling so warmly, so full of love and appreciation. and how could he feel any other way when he hears something like that coming from judas.]

You're... a good friend, Emilio. The best.

[because he knows how much judas struggled in order to be able to do what he did. and even if stahn has no way of recalling it... his feelings don't waver, because he knows this to be true.]

I was always right to keep trusting you. In the end... we're here now because of it. [because ultimately, he's always trusted leon with his back. he's always trusted leon to make the choices best fit, and into his life as judas, he ultimately ended up saving stahn's life more than once.

his best friend—for all the time that's passed, for all that people tried to tell him that he was wrong for trusting leon even well after he had met his end...

stahn never wavered on that either, and eighteen years of that firm belief has culminated in a chance to fight alongside his best friend again and sincerely acknowledge his feelings on the matter.]

[leon lifts his head and presses that gentle, confident kiss to his lips, and in that moment, stahn is sure on his choice.

both in that the words he wants to say are not meant to be said yet, and also that there's not a single doubt in his mind that one day, he will.

he loves leon. he loves leon will all of his heart and soul, and he knows he's never going to falter on that fact.

but he won't say the words. because they are weighty and big, and as much as they rest on the edge of his tongue, begging to be spoken, stahn knows that it can't come now. it can't come for the first time after their first intimate experience, because even stahn knows that conflation of love and desire can make a mess of things. when he makes that declaration, he wants it to be separate of their sexual encounters; he wants it to be pure and honest and full of all his feelings.

he wants it to be something special, even if he doesn't yet know how to do that without overwhelming leon. so he'll wait. he'll wait until every sign points to it being the right time. even if it's something they both know...

one day, he knows he wants to actually say the words directly.

so for now, he'll return that kiss, following it up with one of his own before he touches their noses together gently and smiles. his free hand moves (a bit awkwardly, thanks to their position) to brush some of the still slightly damp hair from leon's eyes.

and he just smiles and embraces this warmth. he loves leon. he's in love with leon, and even if he doesn't say it out loud? the look in his eyes definitely expresses it well enough.]

[He's far from the best of friends, Judas knows that much. For all that he helped out here, for all that he was able to save Stahn here, it was still only amending what he did before.

He still hasn't done anything particularly praiseworthy. But... maybe now--maybe during this Emilio life, maybe he can be. Maybe...he can be the sort of best friend Stahn has always called him and believed in him to be.

Maybe he can do that, and that...might be enough.

He hopes so.

Either way, for now he just shakes his head quietly.]

Don't underestimate your son.

[Judas did a lot, there's no denying that. But knowing Kyle and Loni and Reala--]

They would have done what I helped them do, with or without me.

[He's not upset about it, though; if anything, he's proud of them too. They're strong, and they're tenacious. They could have done it, and that's amazing.

And Judas wasn't necessary to do it.]

[As for Leon, well... he's more than willing to just leave that in the past. He settles when Stahn does, relaxing curled up nearly against him again. He only catches a small glimpse of that look on his face before Leon's eyes slide shut again, preserving him from the embarrassment of that level that that fondness would bring.

He knows it's there, but it's easier if he can pretend he doesn't see it.

Because even now...that level of love and adoration is really hard for him to understand and embrace.

Even though it means the world to him, even so.

So instead, Leon just...pretends it isn't there, even as he allows it to warm him inside that Stahn cares so much, instead settling against him again with a soft, contented sigh. In the future, someday--it'll be said, and even Leon will be able to handle it. Someday, in the future, they'll be able to say so.

But for now... Leon is happy with this, and Stahn's fingers in his hair are gentle and soothing, and honestly? Even though Stahn wanted to just curl up together for awhile, between their earlier activities and how early Leon tends to wake up, he's...sleepy. And it makes him feel about ready to drift off, as he rests there.]

I'm not. What Kyle, Loni and the others all did... I know they would have fought as hard as they could no matter what.

[stahn knows how much kyle is like him in that way, and he knows loni can be pretty determined too. but still... but still, even knowing that, stahn refuses to downplay what judas accomplished.

kyle, loni, reala, nanaly, harold and judas all achieved great things; things that would give stahn the life he has right now. and that's why:]

But we're talking about you right now, Emilio. We're talking about the things you[because judas is still leon, and he knows so many things. he's a person with a lot of answers, so no matter how much he tries to downplay that...] I know Kyle trusted you and looked to you when he didn't understand something.

[because he is his father's son, and stahn knows that.]

But I also know... You did those things because you wanted to. You wanted to do right by me, by our friendship.... by everything. That deserves credit too. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't the truth.

[no matter how much judas tries to downplay that fact.] Everything you did—for me, for our family, and for them especially when they needed it...

I won't ignore how much you deserve for that. Even if nobody else remembers it, what you did... it was heroic.

[it's funny how that works, really.

stahn had every intent of staying awake as well. and for a bit... he does. but as leon's breathing will eventually shift into that of a sleeping state, stahn can feel the exhaustion washing over him as well.

though his fingers continue to gently stroke his hair, the excitement of the evening and the sheer comfort that comes with being in such a familiar, warm position is enough to make stahn want to rest as well. so he simply shifts slightly—enough to press a good night kiss to leon's lips before closing his eyes. his hand remains in leon's hair and their noses are still touching as he drifts off into sleep himself.]

[the closeness that stahn kept when he finally drifted off to sleep remains... though perhaps not in exactly the same manner they initially began.

come morning, with the early sunlight filtering through the window and the faint sound of birds chiriping outside, stahn is... still passed out rather peacefully. or... very peacefully. somehow, it's ended up with his head resting on leon's chest, a leg sandwiched between leon's... and stahn's arms hugging leon's torso with his hands at the small of his back. stahn's hair is absolutely everywhere, and he's snoring lightly.

every so often, he shifts, nuzzling his head against leon and murmuring incoherently.

congrats, leon! you have acquired one (1) stahn parasite. he's attached now, have fun with that.]

[It's...honestly a bit too much. Judas still doesn't think he deserves these sorts of accolades. Sure, he was there for Kyle when he needed him, and he was able to get everyone out of some tight spots. Sure, he was the one with the knowledge they needed when they needed it, even if a lot of it came from Chal and was just relayed.

But even so...he didn't do anything worth admiring. He even kept some information from them until they'd found it out themselves, even though it might had sped things up and made things somewhat less painful.

So even if he did work hard to help Stahn, and the others as well... he doesn't think that that's true at all.

Which is why he frowns a little at that, before he looks away, back towards the window instead.]

I'm not a hero. [That response comes immediately. Nothing he's done makes him a hero. Kyle, yes. Loni and the others, yes. Even Reala, who was searching for a hero, came to be one in her own right. But Judas? Absolutely not. He's a traitor, not a hero, and a few good deeds won't change that.]

Don't be ridiculous.

[It's...kind of difficult.........

Leon wakes more slowly than usual, a combined impact of their physical activities and the emotional heaviness attached to them before and after leaving him somewhat tired. So when he does wake up, it's because Stahn's hair is tickling his nose. He wrinkles it, blearily opening an eye and shoving Stahn's hair away.

Stahn being a ridiculously clingy parasite isn't new, honestly. For a moment, Leon doesn't even see anything strange about this morning--aside from shoving all of Stahn's hair away to tuck it on the other side of the bed, Leon's warm and pretty comfortable. He even closes his eyes again to go back to sleep, since he doesn't have to be anywhere early--

And then he remembers, almost unbidden.

He stiffens in Stahn's arms, eyes flying open, and... he's left staring at Stahn's peaceful face again. Ah... hm. It was a lot, there's no doubting that. The way it felt is vividly ingrained into his mind, the way Stahn looked and sounded is distracting, and Leon...well, the first time since they did take that step in intimacy, Leon's actually really thinking about it, and it occurs to him that that step can't be taken back. They really....really did that, and he almost can't believe it, and it leaves him rather painfully overwhelmed. His breath catches a little, even as he searches Stahn's face for some of that reassurance that had been there last night--but there's really nothing to be found, since he's still asleep.

Just a minor panic attack in the morning, it's fine.]

I'm not being ridiculous.

[his response is immediate, and it's firm. it's the sort of response stahn can't and won't accept—and that's because his perspective about this is incredibly different than judas'.]

You fought by their side until the end. You helped them to fix to fix the world. You prevented time itself from being changed in more than one place. And even before that you fought with us... you'd even gone against orders to try destroy the Eye of God with us.

[and...] How many times have you saved my life now, Emilio? It... it feels like a lot.

[regardless of where judas settles his gaze, stahn is the one who straightens in his seat, expression firm as he continues.]

Maybe not everything you did was heroic. Maybe history doesn't remember you the way I do... But the one thing I know is that you've done more good for everyone in this world than you have to harm it. You've done taken the steps you needed to in order to make up for the things you regretted...

So many things you've done, Emilio... they're heroic. So no matter what... to me... You're still a hero.

[as someone who is considered one of history's greatest heroes, he's pretty sure he can decide this for himself.]

[and while leon is having that panic attack, stahn will remain asleep for a while longer, almost completely oblivious to what leon is thinking about.

but despite his dead sleep, stahn can still sense the tension in his grasp. it's a slight change of position that he seems to understand almost innately, and though it doesn't actually wake him, there's still an instinctive reaction to it all—which is to nuzzle himself a little closer and hug leon tighter. he mumbles something else against leon's chest—something that may vaguely resemble "five more minutes," as if that tension is about to lead to leon actually getting out of bed like he usually does.

of course, it's followed up by a really loud, snort-like snore, so it's pretty clear that despite the way he's clinging and seems to sense that leon is awake, stahn himself is not ready to rise.

soon, but not yet, even if stahn would be upset to realize that leon is having A Moment while he's snoozing away.]

[Leon is definitely having A Moment and he can't seem to stop. There's a tightness in his chest and he doesn't really know why, because when he thinks back--he'd wanted it, he'd wanted it to happen, and he still does, there's no doubt in his mind--

But it's also a lot.

He drags in a shuddering breath, and while he doesn't fight Stahn pulling him closer, it doesn't remove any of the tenseness or uncertainty either. It....it was okay, right? They'd been together that way, they'd been on the same page, they'd been happy.

And Leon still is, he knows that. His face heats up a bit when he thinks back, but honestly....despite how he'd occasionally think of how attractive Stahn was, and how those brief sessions of kissing and touching could have led to more--

He wasn't unaware. But even so, without Stahn awake to be that settling force that he always is, Leon's finding it just a little hard to breathe.]

[it can't stay this way forever, so while leon is able to panic about this for a while longer... stahn is stahn.

he can feel the tension even through his sleep, and though he's not fully awake... when his breathing does regulate, and his eyes groggily flutter open—it's just really hard for him to miss.]

...Leon? [he mutters sleepily into leon's chest before tilting his head upward a bit to look at him. he knew leon was awake, because leon is hardly ever this tense when he's sleeping.

it's a little disconcerting, even if he's not really awake enough to process anything at all. if he had his way, he'd probably sleep for another hour or two. but no, leon is awake and he's tense...

why?]

Is something wrong? [he still sounds hardly awake, and yet somehow still, he's worried about leon.

why is he so tense? they should be relaxed after last night, right?]

[That does get a startled noise out of him, muted but present--he must really have been distracted to not have noticed that Stahn's breathing grew more regular as he woke up. Leon doesn't pull away from his hold, because honestly, as ever Stahn's arms are a safehold for him, a place to remain where he feels less troubled--

Except that he also does admittedly still feel troubled.

Leon frowns a little at that, ducking his head so his hair hides the majority of his expression.

...]

I didn't realize that you were awake.

[His voice is, at least, mostly steady; which is about all he can manage right now, because admittedly his heart is still a little too sped up for it to be a regular morning, where he's usually relatively peaceful and calm. But... he's not even sure where to begin with talking about it. They were both totally willing yesterday; he doesn't want to give Stahn the wrong idea.

It's just... maybe he needs some reassurance too.]

Mm... I just woke up a couple of minutes ago.

[he admits quietly, but while leon is averting his gaze and trying to hide his expression, it's only causing stahn's brows to knit in concern.

even thought it's through yawns, he'll continue.]

Something's wrong though, isn't it? [try as leon might to avoid answering that question, it's impossible to escape stahn.] You're tense. And your heart...

[his head is still close enough to be able to feel the way it's racing, after all. there's a reason why stahn can quietly admit:] I couldn't stay asleep this way.

You are.

[This is one thing Judas can't budge on. He's learned to compromise on a lot of things, and especially with Stahn he's typically calmer and more willing to change, at the very least, what he's saying or thinking. He doesn't want to upset Stahn, not when...well, being able to be around Stahn is special in and of itself.

He wants to embrace all of those moments. He doesn't want to spend that time arguing with Stahn.

But this... it's wrong, plain and simple, and he can't accept it. Being put on the same level as Stahn and Kyle... it's wrong.

It's wrong and Judas just can't accept it, even if he knows that arguing with Stahn over this is an exercise in futility.]

Regardless of what I have or have not done, I am not a hero.

[He never has been.

He never will be.]

[It's true that he's trying to avoid the question. He can't really find it in him to lie to Stahn very easily these days, so avoidance is his best bet--

But here Stahn's not letting him get away with it at all.

Leon breathes out a shaky breath, and offers up weakly--]

I apologize. I hadn't intended to wake you up.

[Granted, he's also still avoiding the question.]

[an exercise in futility it certainly is, because stahn's gaze will harden a bit more.]

That's... not something you get to decide by yourself. A person... they can't decide that they're a hero alone, but that means they can't decide they aren't, either.

[funny how that works, isn't it?] It doesn't matter if you don't think you are. It doesn't matter if you don't want to be one.

[stahn closes his eyes and he shakes his head. this is something he feels so strongly about. it's something that stahn himself can't budge on, because in his heart, he always knew that leon was a good person; he wanted to do the right thing.

he made mistakes, and if not for the way he gave his life, it's entirely likely that he would have been remembered as a hero despite his misdeeds—because he wanted to repent. he wanted to fight alongside the swordian masters and stop hugo (and ultimately, miktran), and surely the king of seinegald would have understood what happened, even if he faced some punishment for it somehow.

but add that in with his actions as judas, with how he protected kyle and loni, how he did what he could to return stahn's life in so many ways, and what he gave up to do them all...]

To me, you're a hero.

I don't care about that.

[this much is very true. the fact that leon is so tense and purposely avoidant of his question is more disconcerting to him. it's knocking away his grogginess pretty quickly, in fact.

but nothing is going to work, this way.

so stahn will shift to pull away for a moment, enough so he can pull himself up enough to share the pillow with leon; close enough that if leon opens his eyes, stahn will be right there offering up that look of worry.

and of course, close enough to thread his fingers through leon's hair and brush it from his eyes.]

If something's really wrong... you can tell me. Don't keep it to yourself this way...

[Despite himself, Leon peers up at Stahn when he runs his fingers through his bangs, pushing it away. He can't help the way that he leans into that touch despite his tenseness, or how his body reacts to it even when he's uncertain.

Even tense like this.... he loves Stahn and wants to be close to him. That much could never really be in question, not after all of the time it took to get to this point of comfort with this level of touch.

And Stahn.....is being so comforting again, that Leon almost can't understand where that earlier panic came from. But he knows it was very real, and--he's not sure if he should really say anything.]

It was... [He frowns a little to himself, shifting uncomfortably even in Stahn's grasp.]

... It was not important. I'm fine now.

[mostly.]

[yeah, stahn isn't buying that.]

...Don't lie to me.

[that response is almost immediately, because that's something stahn immediately knows is a lie. the way he looks, the way he moves—if leon was fine, he wouldn't react that way. it's... worrying.

it's really worrying. but he doesn't want to get mad at leon or fight with him either. patience—he has to be patient, right?]

I won't ask what's wrong. Even if I want to know, I won't ask. But... don't lie about it.

[because in all honesty, it hurts. it hurts him if leon lies, because it makes him feel like leon doesn't trust him. he closes his eyes, letting out a quiet sigh (or is it a yawn?) before he says what else is on his mind.]

If... if you have regrets, or think we went too far... you can tell me that too. [maybe stahn is honestly afraid that's what it is. even though they'd been so fearless in their actions, maybe with time to think about it, leon hadn't really been ready. the last thing he ever wants to do is push leon too far and make him uncomfortable, especially if it ties back to something he pushed for and wanted so badly.

...stahn would put the brakes on doing that again until he felt more ready without question, but he needs to know what's wrong first.]

[He... doesn't want Stahn to think he's a hero.

He doesn't want to think that he's a hero himself. He doesn't want to even begin to consider that possibility, because he knows it isn't true.

He doesn't want this at all. More than anything, when he thinks of calling himself a hero or being called a hero...

Judas ducks his head at that, frowning a little, and when he finally responds, it's almost painfully honest, quiet as he is.]

... It makes me feel like a fraud.

[Just as Emilio occasionally makes him feel like a fraud--even though that's his real name. Being called that by everyone....it almost feels like he's pretending to be something he's not. Being called a hero? That just makes it even worse.]

No, that isn't--

[That response comes immediately, before he can even think to bite his tongue--though he does stop himself a moment later, because it's almost embarrassing how fast he answered that. But...that's the thing. He knows he doesn't regret it. Even more than that...

He wanted it, he liked it...and he still wants it. He wants to try again. He wants to feel Stahn underneath him again, like that, groaning out his name--

He clears his throat awkwardly, because now his feelings are all mixed up and muddled and confused. He liked it. He wants more. But he was also anxious, and uncertain, and searching for some sort of assurance that he still hasn't necessarily gotten, even if Stahn's warm next to him and looks so concerned.

He doesn't know.

He's not sure what his emotions are doing, and he's never been all too competent at dealing with them in the first place--so he grimaces at himself, ducking his head again. Slowly, he shakes it.]

... I don't regret anything. Nothing that we have done, and nothing that has been said.

[Everything--from the night before to their very first proper meeting, Leon can't even begin to think of regretting. That much has to be said.]

You're not a fraud. You've never been a fraud.

[stahn won't concede on what he feels. no matter what it is judas wants him to believe, this much can't be changed.

but he speaks a little more gently this time, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. maybe he was a little too harsh in saying that—but even this stahn, who has grown up to be a doting father—is still fiery and passionate as he always has been. when he feels strongly about something, he can't hold himself back.

but right now, he needs to calm himself, so he draws in a breath.]

You can't change the way I feel about this. I've always felt that way... even back then, I always wanted to be as good as you were on the battlefield. Right until the last fight, I thought "how would Leon do this? Would he dodge here? Would he strike?"

I spent a lot of time trying to remember how you fought, because I felt like if I could use some of that, we'd be able to succeed even when things were the worst.

[judas will get an admission that even rutee never heard from stahn, even if everyone else had probably figured it out on their own.]

No matter how I look at it, you've always been amazing and strong. So... my mind is made on that. But...

I don't want you to feel bad about that either.

Okay. I believe you.

[stahn's quiet when he responds, because he can tell those words aren't a lie. from the immediate way he responds to the fact that it's not a topic he thinks leon would lie to him about.

it doesn't really answer anything, though. even if it eases stahn's worries that maybe they made a mistake, it doesn't ease that leon is bothered by something. he seems upset and he's definitely tense, but yet he won't tell stahn what the problem is.

he strokes leon's hair, opening his eyes again with a still-sleepy, but concerned and curious gaze.]

I don't know what's bothering you, but... I'm here.

[that's all he can offer when he has no indication of what's wrong. he's here. he'll listen to leon if he wants to talk, he'll offer whatever support he can. if leon just wants to silently stay in his arms? he'll do that too.

whatever he can do to help.

but there's little down that he's concerned and wishes that leon would come to him when he's bothered.]

I'm here. [he repeats, a little quieter before shifting his hand to rest a palm on leon's cheek.]

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Page 72 of 95

Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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the morning after;

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