realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[it can't stay this way forever, so while leon is able to panic about this for a while longer... stahn is stahn.

he can feel the tension even through his sleep, and though he's not fully awake... when his breathing does regulate, and his eyes groggily flutter open—it's just really hard for him to miss.]

...Leon? [he mutters sleepily into leon's chest before tilting his head upward a bit to look at him. he knew leon was awake, because leon is hardly ever this tense when he's sleeping.

it's a little disconcerting, even if he's not really awake enough to process anything at all. if he had his way, he'd probably sleep for another hour or two. but no, leon is awake and he's tense...

why?]

Is something wrong? [he still sounds hardly awake, and yet somehow still, he's worried about leon.

why is he so tense? they should be relaxed after last night, right?]

[That does get a startled noise out of him, muted but present--he must really have been distracted to not have noticed that Stahn's breathing grew more regular as he woke up. Leon doesn't pull away from his hold, because honestly, as ever Stahn's arms are a safehold for him, a place to remain where he feels less troubled--

Except that he also does admittedly still feel troubled.

Leon frowns a little at that, ducking his head so his hair hides the majority of his expression.

...]

I didn't realize that you were awake.

[His voice is, at least, mostly steady; which is about all he can manage right now, because admittedly his heart is still a little too sped up for it to be a regular morning, where he's usually relatively peaceful and calm. But... he's not even sure where to begin with talking about it. They were both totally willing yesterday; he doesn't want to give Stahn the wrong idea.

It's just... maybe he needs some reassurance too.]

Mm... I just woke up a couple of minutes ago.

[he admits quietly, but while leon is averting his gaze and trying to hide his expression, it's only causing stahn's brows to knit in concern.

even thought it's through yawns, he'll continue.]

Something's wrong though, isn't it? [try as leon might to avoid answering that question, it's impossible to escape stahn.] You're tense. And your heart...

[his head is still close enough to be able to feel the way it's racing, after all. there's a reason why stahn can quietly admit:] I couldn't stay asleep this way.

[It's true that he's trying to avoid the question. He can't really find it in him to lie to Stahn very easily these days, so avoidance is his best bet--

But here Stahn's not letting him get away with it at all.

Leon breathes out a shaky breath, and offers up weakly--]

I apologize. I hadn't intended to wake you up.

[Granted, he's also still avoiding the question.]

I don't care about that.

[this much is very true. the fact that leon is so tense and purposely avoidant of his question is more disconcerting to him. it's knocking away his grogginess pretty quickly, in fact.

but nothing is going to work, this way.

so stahn will shift to pull away for a moment, enough so he can pull himself up enough to share the pillow with leon; close enough that if leon opens his eyes, stahn will be right there offering up that look of worry.

and of course, close enough to thread his fingers through leon's hair and brush it from his eyes.]

If something's really wrong... you can tell me. Don't keep it to yourself this way...

[Despite himself, Leon peers up at Stahn when he runs his fingers through his bangs, pushing it away. He can't help the way that he leans into that touch despite his tenseness, or how his body reacts to it even when he's uncertain.

Even tense like this.... he loves Stahn and wants to be close to him. That much could never really be in question, not after all of the time it took to get to this point of comfort with this level of touch.

And Stahn.....is being so comforting again, that Leon almost can't understand where that earlier panic came from. But he knows it was very real, and--he's not sure if he should really say anything.]

It was... [He frowns a little to himself, shifting uncomfortably even in Stahn's grasp.]

... It was not important. I'm fine now.

[mostly.]

[yeah, stahn isn't buying that.]

...Don't lie to me.

[that response is almost immediately, because that's something stahn immediately knows is a lie. the way he looks, the way he moves—if leon was fine, he wouldn't react that way. it's... worrying.

it's really worrying. but he doesn't want to get mad at leon or fight with him either. patience—he has to be patient, right?]

I won't ask what's wrong. Even if I want to know, I won't ask. But... don't lie about it.

[because in all honesty, it hurts. it hurts him if leon lies, because it makes him feel like leon doesn't trust him. he closes his eyes, letting out a quiet sigh (or is it a yawn?) before he says what else is on his mind.]

If... if you have regrets, or think we went too far... you can tell me that too. [maybe stahn is honestly afraid that's what it is. even though they'd been so fearless in their actions, maybe with time to think about it, leon hadn't really been ready. the last thing he ever wants to do is push leon too far and make him uncomfortable, especially if it ties back to something he pushed for and wanted so badly.

...stahn would put the brakes on doing that again until he felt more ready without question, but he needs to know what's wrong first.]

No, that isn't--

[That response comes immediately, before he can even think to bite his tongue--though he does stop himself a moment later, because it's almost embarrassing how fast he answered that. But...that's the thing. He knows he doesn't regret it. Even more than that...

He wanted it, he liked it...and he still wants it. He wants to try again. He wants to feel Stahn underneath him again, like that, groaning out his name--

He clears his throat awkwardly, because now his feelings are all mixed up and muddled and confused. He liked it. He wants more. But he was also anxious, and uncertain, and searching for some sort of assurance that he still hasn't necessarily gotten, even if Stahn's warm next to him and looks so concerned.

He doesn't know.

He's not sure what his emotions are doing, and he's never been all too competent at dealing with them in the first place--so he grimaces at himself, ducking his head again. Slowly, he shakes it.]

... I don't regret anything. Nothing that we have done, and nothing that has been said.

[Everything--from the night before to their very first proper meeting, Leon can't even begin to think of regretting. That much has to be said.]

Okay. I believe you.

[stahn's quiet when he responds, because he can tell those words aren't a lie. from the immediate way he responds to the fact that it's not a topic he thinks leon would lie to him about.

it doesn't really answer anything, though. even if it eases stahn's worries that maybe they made a mistake, it doesn't ease that leon is bothered by something. he seems upset and he's definitely tense, but yet he won't tell stahn what the problem is.

he strokes leon's hair, opening his eyes again with a still-sleepy, but concerned and curious gaze.]

I don't know what's bothering you, but... I'm here.

[that's all he can offer when he has no indication of what's wrong. he's here. he'll listen to leon if he wants to talk, he'll offer whatever support he can. if leon just wants to silently stay in his arms? he'll do that too.

whatever he can do to help.

but there's little down that he's concerned and wishes that leon would come to him when he's bothered.]

I'm here. [he repeats, a little quieter before shifting his hand to rest a palm on leon's cheek.]

[Even despite the mess that his emotions are, he starts to settle a little at Stahn's hand on his cheek even so. It's...warm, and familiar and comforting, as Stahn always is, and quietly, Leon relaxes a little, sighing.

It'll...be okay, he thinks.

He doesn't know why or how.

He just knows that....when Stahn's like this, he can believe it. Leon's still not entirely sure how to put into words what he was feeling earlier, or maybe he'd try to explain it to Stahn--but since he's so bad at understanding his emotions, all he can do is shake his head quietly, frowning a little before he sighs.]

I was just...

[Is it a weakness to admit this? He doesn't like keeping things from Stahn, but this feels like it goes against everything he was ever taught as he grew up.

On the other hand... it's not what Stahn believes, and Stahn tends to be right about these sorts of things. It's confusing, but...all he can really do is try.]

...What we did. [He liked it.

He enjoyed it. He wants to try it again.]

It's... fine, isn't it? [He's not putting this into words very well--but for some reason, what he really feels like he needs is some sort of reassurance that it went fine, and...it's okay. They're both happy with it, and they'll both be fine.]

Mm.

[there isn't even the slightest note of hesitation in stahn's voice.

...that's what he was worried about? that somehow, this wouldn't be okay? did he think it was a weakness to enjoy himself, or to embrace those feelings of love? stahn can't be sure. he can't be sure what exactly would cause leon to question what they did in that way, especially after he already made it clear he doesn't regret it.

but maybe it's not important. maybe the "why" isn't what matters here.

it's making sure leon has no reason to worry, isn't it?

so with a small, but warm and loving smile, he swipes his thumb back and forth gently over leon's cheekbone.]

As long as you don't regret it... it's fine. [he pauses, long enough to press his lips lightly against leon's—it's hardly enough to even call it a kiss, but it's still meant to assure him.] It's normal...

To do those things when you're with someone this way... [which is to say indirectly "when you're with someone you love."] It's okay.

[he has no idea if these are the right words or actions, but it's how he feels. he knows that no matter what, he doesn't regret what they did. he knows he would like to do it again, or push the boundaries further.

he loves leon and wants every inch of him—and stahn wants to believe there's nothing wrong with that at all. his heart says it's okay, and he hopes leon's would feel the same.]

[And just like that, once he (sort of) puts it into words, Stahn is the most comforting person in the world. The night before, Leon had been the one being most of the stability and comfort, which is possibly why he's struggling so much now; but now, Stahn is here, running his thumb over Leon's cheekbone and assuring him that it really was okay.

It is okay.

When he's with someone like Stahn, and when Stahn is with someone like him, and they love each other--it's okay.

It makes perfect sense to him like that, and it's not like it's a difficult concept; it just wasn't anything he really thought too hard about in terms of relationships until the night before and now. But... it's fine. They don't have to put a name to their relationship now.

What matters is that when they're together this way, it's fine, and his shoulders slump a little as the rest of the tension leaves him, and in some relief he leans forward enough to press his lips to Stahn's.]

...Mm. Fine then.

[In that case... if Stahn thinks it's fine and normal, if Stahn thinks it slots naturally into their relationship, he's fine.]

I... [His face does warm a bit then, because what he's trying to say is pretty embarrassing to him, but he also thinks it needs to be said--even if when he does, it's in the quietest of tones.] ... also enjoyed--that is, it was...satisfactory for me as well.

[aka he really liked it, despite his crisis.]

[he's willing to take that kiss, and when leon finally speaks his mind, it warms stahn's heart a lot to hear.

most people may not have understood those words. when he says "satisfactory," most would interpret it as a cold statement, that perhaps it wasn't unenjoyable, but not something enjoyable, either. but stahn knows leon, he knows the way he thinks and how hard it is for him to put his feelings properly into words. so for him to say that, especially with flushed cheeks and that tone of voice...

he knows that leon is being incredibly sincere. he knows it means that despite his tension and having been unsure of what to make of it, he truly enjoyed what they did the night before... he knows all of this for a fact. and for stahn, that's enough to easy any worries he had as well.

it's fine.

they're fine, and they're going to get stronger together.

so stahn leans in again, pressing his lips lightly to leon's in a very warm, loving (but chaste) kiss.]

You don't have to worry about those things, Emilio. I... don't regret anything either. With you...

....With you, I think it's okay. [that's how strongly he feels. he may have been a bit embarrassed himself thanks to his more conservative upbringing in the countryside, but for leon, it's okay. for leon, he would do absolutely anything, and in this case...

well, he knows this is love.] I'm really happy like this. With you...

[he'd do that again and again, but his own cheeks flush a bright shade of pink. he can't really bring himself to say it yet either.]

[For once, Leon's actually reasonably adept at picking up the unspoken words. Stahn offers up that gentle, chaste kiss and Leon settles completely at it, relaxing as he does. Stahn's fine with it. Leon's fine with it. And Stahn says...that it's fine. That's the sort of thing they do together. That's... how it works.

With a relationship like theirs, that's how it works, and that... is just fine.

Leon draws in a slow breath, and it doesn't shudder at all--he's finally settling properly now, less panicked, less concerned. He's...fine, and that's a relief.

They're both fine. And... they can do that again, that's what Stahn's saying. They could do that again, but also just...explore each other's bodies again, and Leon moves almost in a tentative automatic way, even as he reaches out to gently wrap an arm around Stahn, resting his fingers on his back. He doesn't really intend for this to be particularly risque; he's almost working off of muscle memory. Stahn isn't wearing a shirt, which means that Leon's fingers can trail the grooves and skin that he remembers trailing last night, almost as if in a haze. He remembers the way his fingers had slid up Stahn's back, the way he'd been able to explore his body.

He hopes they'll get the chance to properly explore each other again--but then he snaps back to himself properly, blinking. Stahn trailing off had given him a bit too much room to work with his imagination.]

... I do not intend to do anything like this with anyone else, so--yes, it would have to be with me.

[He kind of purposefully ignores the majority of that message there, even as his fingers on Stahn's back, featherlight, make it very clear that he completely understood what Stahn was getting at there.]

[there's a slight chill that traces his spine at the way leon touched his back; it's light and gentle, but the memories of the previous evening remain and he can't help it.

it may not have been intentionally risque, but it still is, just a bit. fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately), stahn is still more focused on the talk that they're having than anything else.

his own touch his gentle, shifting to thread his fingers in leon's hair and keep it away from his face for a moment. even if stahn is a bit embarrassed to be so direct, he wants to look leon in the eyes as he says what he needs to. his own cheeks and ears are red as ever, but stahn clearly looks happy with that quiet declaration, even if leon didn't acknowledge most of what's said.]

...Only with you. [he assures, quiet and firm. there's absolutely no doubt or hesitation, because—] There's nobody else I want to be this way with. I...

I promise. [there's only the slightest hesitation there, and it's not because he has doubts. it's just because he knows that's a very heavy promise, even if it's obvious.

he only loves leon. he only wants to be with leon. leon is the only person he could see himself being intimate with ever. so it's a pretty heavy decision to hammer down just a little while after sunrise, when he's barely even been awake for ten minutes.]

[Honestly?

There's something really thrilling about hearing a promise like that, and Leon's quiet for a moment afterwards, as if feeling the entire gravity of it--and then he leans forward quickly, emphatically pressing their lips together, lingering there as he properly understands what Stahn is saying.

Stahn doesn't lie. He never has, not to Leon, and he never will. And...Stahn always keeps his promises, even more so ever since that one fateful day with Hugo. Leon knows, 100%--Stahn would never promise something he wasn't prepared to keep. And honestly? It's what he wants.

His hand slides up Stahn's back to bury his fingers in Stahn's hair, keeping his head in place as he deepens the kiss.

Poor Stahn might have only been awake for ten minutes, but Leon's been awake longer, so... he's going to have to deal with Leon showing his appreciation this way, and letting out some of the tension that's been plaguing him at the same time.]

[oh.

yeah, stahn absolutely isn't prepared for such a deep, loving kiss, so it takes him a moment—and a surprised sound from his throat—before he does anything else to respond. but suddenly, he can taste leon and he's not going to complain about that.

any chance there may have been that stahn was going to fall back asleep are quickly fading as he sucks in a deep breath through his nose. his fingers tighten around the strands of leon's hair, tugging very gently, and his other hand is seeking out leon's free one so he can intertwine their fingers.

he doesn't know where this is going, but stahn is absolutely here right now to embrace leon's every want and need.]

[Leon doesn't know where this is going either--but he doesn't intend to escalate it either. The kiss is warm and deep, but it's not particularly passionate, not like their desperation from the night before, or the other nights that they'd gotten so close to it. No... this one is simply clear intent--the intent to make Stahn realize that he's grateful for the affection and the comfort, and that he's grateful for the promise.

And that he feels the same way.

It's a lot to try to communicate into a kiss, but Leon's not particularly adept at words even now, so it's the best he can do; he lingers there for a long moment before he finally breaks away, remaining close enough that when he breathes out a little shakily, it's right there against Stahn's lips.

There are a lot of feelings being had here, even for Leon who sucks at explaining them.]

[it's fine. this is fine, because stahn can sense these things in that moment. the kiss is surprising, but it's warm and understanding.

it doesn't take much for stahn to realize that there aren't wandering, exploring hands or that extra something, so he doesn't push. he knows the boundaries. it doesn't stop stahn from pressing another light kiss to leon's lips before pressing their foreheads together. his hand shifts to cup the side of leon's neck, while the other wants to keep holding onto his hand.

those words are sitting there again at the edge of his tongue, unspoken. and that's why it takes him a minute to say anything else.]

...Thank you. [because he feels like he always needs to thank leon for what they have. he's grateful and appreciative to not only have someone to love, but to have someone who loves him too, despite his flaws and many shortcomings.

he wonders constantly...]

I don't know why you chose me but... I'm really happy for it.

Edited 2016-06-18 04:29 (UTC)

[Stahn may be awake now, but after his early morning crisis and now the pure warmth and love and comfortable position Leon's enveloped by, his eyes flutter half shut, even as he relaxes into it. It's definitely a far cry from where they were when they first began, that's for sure.

He doesn't pull his hand away, either. They can remain intertwined--Leon has no complaints about that. He looks pretty relaxed like this... until Stahn opens his mouth. He wrinkles his nose first, opening his eyes more properly to give Stahn a flat look. That sort of self-deprecation, even if gentle, isn't the sort of thing Leon appreciates at all.]

Don't be ridiculous.

[Hmph...]

It was a mutual decision, and that is all there is to it. I fail to see why I wouldn't choose to be in a situation just like this.

[Stahn, gentle and loving and caring, wrapped around him carefully after reassuring him because he was upset--what about that is a bad thing?]

That's not what I mean.

[he doesn't seem bothered by leon's response, and maybe it's because he knows he didn't really explain himself.]

You're smart and you're talented, and you had a good upbringing. You... you could be with anyone you want.

[by which he means someone who is equally smart and refined and full of class.]

I'm not any of those things, though. [he's an uneducated country boy who almost lived out his whole life being a sheltered shepherd. he knows that now, even if he was oblivious to it when they first met.

it still surprises him sometimes that leon could feel this way about him. and that's why even if there is something a bit self-deprecating about it, stahn doesn't seem to be treating it that way at all.] So... I feel lucky. That you would be with me, like this... right now.

[holding hands in bed, curled up early in the morning after an intimate night. he's fortunate, because he knows that leon is a person with very high standards and expectations...

and he here is with a country bumpkin that still has a hard time differentiating the dinner fork, the fish fork and the salad fork at a formal dinner. it's an incredible thing, and stahn knows it.]

[It makes him frown more deeply as Stahn speaks, and just keeps going, and Leon doesn't agree with any of this at all, honestly. He doesn't like hearing Stahn say anything self-deprecating; if it was anyone else saying these things about Stahn, he'd deck them without hesitation.

But it's Stahn saying them, so instead his brow furrows and he finally pulls his hand and face away--but not to pull away from Stahn. Instead, he shifts then to push Stahn back to the mattress, rolling on top of him, shifting his hand then to pin Stahn's to the mattress. This is something he doesn't intend to back down on, and he wants Stahn to know it, which is why he looks down at Stahn fiercely, bangs framing both of their faces.]

I do not intend to have to say this multiple times, so pay attention.

[This isn't going to be the thing he'll repeat--but it's too important not to be said.]

Those people you are talking about--the refined, self-centered idiots who pretend as though they are worth more due to that, they are not in the least of any import to me. They do not know me. They do not care about who I am, and they never have. The things they care about are immaterial.

[They've never been anything but leeches to him, as far as he's concerned--caring solely about his rank, his wealth, his appearance, and nothing else....]

But you... [His tone grows a little more gentle then, even as he uses his other hand to gently cup Stahn's cheek, a contrast to the other hand still pinning Stahn's hand to the mattress.] ...You are not like that, and you never have been. You have only ever been... kind. [And warm.] Willing to try to understand me, even when I did nothing but push you away. [Important, and gentle.]

If a choice truly has been made here [because he feels like it's natural they came together like they did, that it was inevitable--] then it was the correct one.

[well, of all the things that stahn could have been expecting...

this sure wasn't one of them.

there's never been any doubt in his mind that leon isn't some kind of delicate flower. he can be forceful and commanding, and he has a very distinct, powerful presence. even if he's petite and slender and some could see him as somewhat feminine, everything about her personality betrays that.

stahn is pinned to the mattress with leon positioned over him so precariously; his expression conveys his distaste for what's being said, and for the people that stahn is sort of comparing himself to. stahn isn't sure why, but he can feel his breath catching from his throat from the surprise of the declaration.

it's not like stahn doesn't know that leon doesn't like those types, but there's still something surprising about it. there are definitely people of his class that are good, kind and gentle people—people like ilene had been, and stahn's sure of that much.

but it's not like stahn can say anything, because as he opens his mouth to do so, leon is speaking again. and now...

he's more gentle. he's loving and reassuring, and he can feel the warm of leon's hand against his cheek.]

Eh...

[he tries to reply, but the words get caught in his throat. there's something so reassuring about his words. there's something that warms him to the core in knowing that stahn's treatment of him—his earnest attempts to be friends and forge a connection—really did affect leon so much that he'd choose a dumb country bumpkin over someone who was more suited to his upbringing.

his breath catches in this throat a second time, and when he exhales, it's definitely a bit shaky. his heart is racing—something about the position and use of power combined with leon's words and tone is leaving him completely speechless and breathless.]

Emilio... [he won't make leon repeat it, but it's probably very clear that he's floored by the response and the sentiment.]

[It's fine that Stahn is shell-shocked because Leon isn't done. He looks down at Stahn almost tenderly for a moment before he shakes his head, expression solidifying into something more serious, and mutedly fierce. It was this of all things that convinced him. Stahn having doubts...that makes him certain.

He's not going to ever want anyone or anything else. Stahn, with everything Stahn is, is what he loves.

His country bumpkin nature, his warmth and his sunshine, his fierce fire and gentle sweetness all together....he loves him. He loves him for the night before, when Stahn had been both passionate and careful, respecting Leon's boundaries even as he tried to embrace what they both wanted and needed.

So certainly, he leans down, slotting their lips together firmly and certainly, gentle intensity in his kiss, even as he settles properly against Stahn's chest, no longer holding himself up, allowing his body to slump against Stahn's chest, fingers still intertwined with Stahn's.

This is what he wants. Whether Stahn believes it or not...well, Leon wants him to believe it. In all of his fierceness and certainty in his kiss...he hopes Stahn believes it.

Because Leon is sure.]

[it's difficult not to believe when it's like this.

when leon's lips reach his, it's almost as if he's transferring his feelings directly into stahn; they're so much love and passion in his kiss while still feeling sweet and gentle—somehow, it's different from every other kiss they've shared.

there's a feeling that swells in stahn's chest, because he's tasting leon's certainty, he's tasting a defiance that says "it's only you," and the smallest sound seems to get stuck in his throat. it's overwhelming, honestly, and that's why stahn is squeezing leon's hand.

he's not completely still though, because his own fire can't be extinguished, even when he's taken aback by things a bit. he kisses back to match the intensity, laced with "thank yous" and "i understands." there aren't words needed, because he can feel how much leon really loves him as his weight settles against stahn's chest.

and he's embracing it.

part of him feels foolish for even suggestion it was an issue—though it's no less true. he feels incredibly lucky that someone so classy, so smart, so talented and attractive could look past his lack of education and worldliness and still love him for the person he is.

leon is a good soul.

he's a warm, kind person and though his exterior is cold and harsh, sometimes biting, when leon is laying against him in this way, all he can feel is gentle, loving warmth.

and that's why stahn's free hand wraps around leon's body to steady him in place, embracing it with squeeze that also says "i'm sorry," because he wants leon to know that his intent is never to doubt leon.

he's lucky.

he's so lucky, and he's so in love to the point that he's not even sure how to contain it and stop it from spilling over.]

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