you can't spell "alone" without "leon" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
discard) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
discard) wrote in realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071
[this is a catch-all for boyfriends
here's a list
- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]
no subject
There's a sense of safeness that tells Leon that he doesn't have to be ready to lunge into action. He doesn't have to remain wary and tense like this. It's not as though Stahn--sunshine-y but fierce, determined, protective Stahn would ever let anything happen to him.
It's...strange. What a strange feeling. He has total, utter faith in that, at least. He knows for certain that Stahn will never allow it, and because of that, he really does feel safe here. (It must be because of that, right? Because of all of the times they have watched each other's backs in battle...?)
So he relaxes, shoulders slumped and eyes half-lidded, calm and still. If a monster somehow came through one of those windows, for the first time this entire journey, he wouldn't be ready for it. But... he wouldn't have to be, right? Isn't that what this feeling means? Someone else... would make sure that he's safe.
But even relaxed as he is, there's enough about this situation that he doesn't understand. He's not thinking quite as hard as Stahn, so a lot of Stahn's tension (which comes from Stahn understanding so much more about emotion than Leon does) doesn't really bleed over to him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it, though, which is why he looks up as best he's able (wow their faces are incredibly close like this, Leon does register that) to meet Stahn's gaze, and in a slightly hoarse tone (after effects of their emotional discussion, perhaps)--]
Stahn...?
[He breathes out quietly, and sounds entirely questioning.]
You are... [A brief pause; he muses over how to say this, as ever. Seems words like this will never come easy to Leon, even when he is this relaxed.] ...What is it?
[Of course he has no way of knowing that he's part of the reason that Stahn's this happy, even if you'd think it's an obvious conclusion to draw; Leon doesn't have the emotional understanding to figure out that this is all Stahn's wanted for him for such a long time. It's still new to him--it still feels like a discovery, so really, he's just trying to figure out why Stahn himself is so emotional right now (even though that's a Stahn Staple).
It's concern, pure and simple.]
no subject
even with the worries that remain and linger, he can't find himself to be focused on it too much. that tension may remain because of just how much stahn wants for leon... but how can that really take the forefront when leon is opening himself a bit to so many things that stahn couldn't even have imagined possible for him?]
Eh? [his own response initially is... hard to put a real tone behind. it's confused, no doubt—but it comes more from the fact that he wasn't expecting the silence to be broken. but he listens to the rest of what leon has to say before doing much else.
he's... what? leon is asking him a question like this right now? maybe it's not so surprising—leon's definitely not the most competent on picking up on the way people feel. he has a lot of gifts, but interpersonal relationships isn't really one of them. that's where stahn excels, even if he doesn't necessarily view it that way.
but regardless, stahn takes a quiet moment to consider it. not because he doesn't know how to answer; it's because he wants to understand why leon is asking it at all. it isn't hard to figure out though, fortunately. leon's starved for this kind of attention, after all. the only affection he got was probably from chal's words, and... marian. marian was definitely a huge factor, but even stahn knows that their relationship was very different. there's not a lot of comparing the affections of someone like marian, who takes care of leon to... well, foreheads touching and hands being held in the quiet of an inn room. stahn's not totally oblivious to things like this.
right. this is new to him. this kind of warmth and closeness, this sort of breathing and the invigorating pound in his chest. some of it is new to stahn too, but he has a pretty inherent understanding of what it means... even if it took experiencing to really 'get' what other people meant when they said it existed. and now it's his responsibility to pass that sort of understanding along to leon.
so he pulls back, just slightly. it's barely enough to be alarming or seem like he's uncomfortable. but he wants to look at leon a little more directly, with just the right sort of focus. his eyes are full of warmth, and his smile probably says a lot without words, but he'll fill in those blanks anyway.]
I'm happy, Leon. [it's simple. it's a very simple explanation for the feeling. this is happy. it's content. it's warmth. it doesn't need a lot of words, and even if it did, stahn isn't the type to have all of that, so he keeps it as simple as he is.]
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But there's really no need to think it over that hard after all. Stahn pulls back just that little bit to meet his eyes, and Leon is helpless to do anything but look in his eyes, in a moment like this. In a time like this, there's no looking away.
And... it's rewarded.
He's happy. Stahn says he's happy, and he's smiling like that, and Leon can accept that. Somehow, that's so easy to accept, and he's not really sure why, except that it's Stahn and Stahn would never lie, and the atmosphere is so calm and warm and simple contentedness seeps in and--
--is he happy too?
Happiness is a bit too abstract a concept for him in general, but when he thinks back to those times when he was sincerely and truly happy... (Marian praising him, acknowledging him; Chal offering him his trust and his strength officially) then he can admit to himself that this is the same exact feeling.
...He really is happy too.
So he breathes out simply and quietly, slumping a little as he does, and while Stahn may still be looking at him, Leon's eyes slide shut. It's a lot to take in and a lot to acknowledge to accept that something like this could make him happy, honestly. He's still trying to cope with that. But... it's not bad, either.]
... I see. [His words are soft, and they don't give a lot into his thoughts, but the next ones probably do, a few moments later:] I understand.
[For someone like Leon, who is so bad at understanding emotion and feelings, especially ones like this...the fact that he understands is implication in and of itself that he feels that way too. It's... nice, he thinks. It's nice to feel happy, especially on a journey that he expected to be difficult from day one.
Maybe this is difficult in another way, but it's so warm that Leon can't bring himself to care. It's fine, if he gets burned like this--it's fine, because this sort of warmth is something he's never had before, and he can't give it up now that it's in his grasp.]
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he never seemed to understand when things were lighthearted; when they all laughed and joked around, he would scoff. he would say he didn't like people like them, that he couldn't understand it. but here and now, when they're sharing warmth... it's obvious.
leon understands. he understands, and he's happy too.
it may not be the exact same feeling, because stahn is used to embracing his happiness and his love and zest for people and the world around him. leon struggles with it but... that's why this is happening, right? because he can help leon to see the world through a different lens (no pun intended). he can do these things, and maybe nobody else can. stahn doesn't know that for sure, but he'd like to believe that it's him and the rest of their friends that led leon to even be able to reach that point. so it's okay.
he wants to see it through.]
Mm! [it's a pleased sound of acknowledgement that's followed up by his grin widening and shining brightly. he's happy. he's so, so happy right now.] That makes me happy too.
[just in case leon's not sure what's got him even more elated. it's fine, he's willing to walk leon through every emotion until he can understand all of them.]
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Why else would he think of Stahn and Marian in the same breath like that? Why else, if not because...
His heart skips a beat, because quite honestly, it's daunting. It's daunting to realize just like that, everything coming together just like that, and slowly, his breath catches. But he doesn't want to ruin the calm or quiet either. More than anything, that's what he wants to prevent.
(But how is he supposed to handle this? If Stahn is... that important to him? If, even so, there's a different sense to him than Marian, even, what does that mean? And if something as simple as Leon saying he understands is enough to make Stahn even happier, then...can he really keep this to himself?)
The self-preservation part of Leon, the part of him that tries to protect his honestly fragile heart (which is a large part of Leon) is telling him to not say a thing, or do a thing, or ruin this. Just... enjoy it as it is, and not be greedy, and not reach for more. But reaching for more is what he wants--
And when he looks at Stahn, eyes opening, searching for some sort of answer, he... honestly finds it. It's right there in that happy, shining grin, and that exuberant expression. It's there in the way that Stahn is still so close, their faces still so close together, and their fingers still intertwined. And when he thinks about it, it's always been there--in the way Stahn tried so hard to be his friend, to protect him, to talk with him, to learn more about him...
There's always been something there, hasn't there? And now...
With their final battle looming, and no guarantees following, Leon's going to follow his instincts. He's always been the sort to try to seize what he can and what he wants, even when the situation is difficult or tries to thwart him (or perhaps especially then). But the only thing thwarting him here is his own uncertainty, and he's not going to accept that at all. He's Leon Magnus, and what he wants...
...is to put to use all of the realizations he's just had, meeting Stahn's eyes entirely firmly as he lifts one of their intertwined set of hands, twisting his wrist to put his own hand on the bottom and, still without breaking eye contact, he brings the back of Stahn's hand high enough to be able to press his lips to it.
More than anything, he thinks that's a pretty reasonable way to demonstrate his own emotions and feelings, even if he doesn't always understand as well as everyone else. Sure, Stahn might have to walk him through some things, but this Leon understands just fine. It has always been the sort of feeling he's been chasing, for what feels like so long. Isn't it okay to consider that maybe... he found it?]
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he's been the one guiding and make this push the whole while; that's just how he is. stahn isn't shy about his own feelings, after all. it may have taken him until now to realize the full extent of his feelings for leon, but now that he recognizes it, he can't shy away. it's been like this for a long time, hasn't it? from the moment he felt enamored by leon's strength, through dealing with his closed-off nature and just doing his best to be a friend to be relied on... leon has always been incredibly important to him. from the start, he's always considered leon a friend worth protecting and pursuing new avenues with.
but here and now, he's come to realize that things aren't so simple. his feelings are much more than that, because being around leon even at his grumpiest... stahn is happy to be there for it. and the feeling that's been rising in his chest from the moment their hands touched until now only further proves it—leon is someone completely irreplaceable to him.
and that's why he's been fine like this. there isn't much that stahn expects from this after all. with their hands gently locked together and faces close enough that he can feel leon's breath... that's enough. it's more than enough, because he knows this isn't easy for leon, and the last thing he's wanted to do this whole time is make him uncomfortable. this isn't about pushing boundaries, it's a simple acknowledgment of feelings and wanting to share them—but also letting leon decide for himself what he wants and what he feels. that's not something he can force, after all. it's not something he'd want to, either.
so when he sees the barest shift in leon's expression, he's not sure what will come next. he looks... determined. but he looks satisfied in that determination too, as if whatever conclusion he's come to is certainly the right one for him. stahn is prepared to accept that, whatever it may be.
or at least, he thinks he is.
but there's a look of slight befuddlement in his eyes as leon lifts their hands, and then... well, it happens so fast that he can hardly believe it. but there's a warm softness—the feeling of leon's lips pressing lightly against the skin of the back of his hand, and stahn can hardly contain himself. the feeling in his chest is explosive, he almost feels as if his heart could come right out of his chest from how hard it's pounding. it takes a lot to embarrass stahn, and yet... somehow, leon has managed. the feeling is overwhelming enough to cause stahn's cheeks to flush a bright shade of pink.
it's a good thing, of course. but stahn didn't expect leon's acknowledgement of feelings to be anything like this at all. for leon, who is so adamant about keeping to himself, and even more adamant about avoiding physical contact, he thought just holding hands would be more than what he'd accept. so for a move like this—something others would consider tame—to come from leon, he knows... he knows how seriously leon is considering his feelings. and that more so than the gesture itself speaks volumes and warms stahn's heart even more.]
Leon... [his tone is a mixture of surprise and just pure, warm affection. he's beyond happy, he's beyond even elated—he's not sure what to call it, or if there's even a word for it. but he knows now, he knows now so much that he wants to embrace leon's feelings.
soon. he's still so shocked by the move that he doesn't know how else to respond, and he also can't help but to remain cautious about not pushing his boundaries. this had to be hard enough for leon, so he can't take things too far.
but he's happy.
he's so, so happy for this, perhaps more so than he could have ever anticipated.]
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Stahn had always wanted him to understand.
But here and now, Leon understands this, and now it's Stahn who's off-balance, and he's satisfied by that. Leon has never claimed to be a good person, after all. There's enough smugness in him to be pleased even by things that he probably shouldn't be.
Stahn's tone, though...
Leon wasn't sure if Stahn would reciprocate, ironically enough, despite how warm and attached he'd always acted--because Stahn was that way with everyone. He loved everyone, he cared for everyone, and...so Leon hadn't even considered it at all.
Whether Stahn would agree with this, whether he'd want this, whether he feels the same way in the end... Leon just didn't think about it when taking his actions. But there's undeniably so much warmth in Stahn's tone and words, and for a moment, Leon's silent, overwhelmed by it.
And then the embarrassment and sheepishness kicks in. He refuses to drop Stahn's hand, though he does look away somewhat, expression still fixed in that determined look--though now tinged with a hint of uncertainty, lending a certain mulishness to it. He won't say that what he's done is wrong no matter what happens, that much Leon has decided.]
I... have made my decision, and I don't intend to take it back.
[What he's done, what he just demonstrated... he can't take that back, and he won't. Quietly, he clears his throat.]
Naturally, that... is all I can do about the matter.
[He can't make Stahn's choice for him, even if Stahn was practically confessing to him before--well, he hasn't quite picked up on that, because Leon's not always the best at words. As Stahn had noted before... to Leon, words can be falsified, faked, or exaggerated. They're treacherous, and he doesn't always listen to them or believe in them. His confession was actions first, and then words, and for Stahn.... well, he'll wait until he has complete confirmation before he thinks any further on this.
But one thing he knows for certain is that he can never be ashamed of what he's chosen and what he feels--not now that he finally understands it, and it finally feels right.]
no subject
this is truly a confession from leon; he's standing by his choice and his feelings. he's not shying away—even if he doesn't have the right words for it, he's still expressing it. but there's more, there's so much more. because he can see the slight hesitance in leon's eyes. he can see there are things he's unsure about. in a way, it's puzzling...
until he finishes his statement, and then it clicks for stahn.
he's waiting for confirmation. stahn can't help but to smile, to let out a small noise that is almost (but not quite) a chuckle. leave to leon to have not caught on already. despite everything stahn has said and done up to this moment, it's not enough for him to fully understand just how much stahn is embracing these feelings. it's... endearing, honestly. it's so very leon in a way, for him to not quite get just how deep his feelings are. for him to be uncertain that the affections he's receiving match the ones he seems to be willing to give. stahn realizes that it's his fault in a way—he's been extremely cautious since this began, after all. he couldn't help but to be that way, since he's trying so hard to not push leon to far, or to make him feel pressured in any way.
but here they are. they're here, and now that leon has made his decision, stahn realizes he needs to step up his own game. he's made his decision too, after all. he probably made it much longer ago than he even actively realizes... but there's no reason to hesitate now. he'll go on what he feels and ensure that leon can comprehend exactly where he stands on this matter. so reluctantly, he breaks the grip they've been holding all this while. but he's silent as he does so...
which is probably alarming, but it's not stahn's intent at all. because within seconds, stahn is hunching over a little. and wrapping his arms around leon; it's a tight, warm hug that encompasses all the affection he has to give. regardless of how leon would take that—he's not sure there's another gesture he could make to truly convey how strongly he feels about this short of something that would be pushing the limits more than this.
he's still being incredibly considerate of leon's comfort levels here.
but he rests his chin gently atop leon's head, and then adds a few words to further confirm it.]
I don't want you to take it back. Thank you, Leon... for your decision. ["thank you for accepting me, and accepting this." are words he doesn't say, because for all that stahn is good at with feelings... he's a bit nervous too. he's never done this before, after all.
besides, he's not sure leon would be comfortable with a statement so blunt right now. it could be overwhelming, right? this... this should be enough. stahn is perfectly happy this way, and even more so in knowing that leon isn't going to back down from this either.]
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It is what it is, and Leon will deal with the sinking, cold feeling in his chest--
And then he is engulfed in warmth instead.
Leon's honestly startled, though he manages to bite back any startled noises (it's a close call nonetheless); he finds his face pressed against Stahn's chest and Stahn's arms wrapped around him so snugly, and for a moment Leon's left with the confusion.
But what he does know is that this is incredibly warm, and incredibly comfortable, and even despite his confusion and surprise, there isn't a single moment in which Leon tenses up, even as Stahn brings them that much closer together. Granted, if Stahn could see his face there would still be a great deal of surprise on it, almost slack-jawed in nature, but thankfully that's not a thing, considering their position.
And then, to confirm it entirely... there are Stahn's words. Leon's quiet for a moment, just... letting them sink in. He can count on one hand the times he's been sincerely thanked for anything (not sarcastically, not to try to get into his good graces), and when it's over something like this... well, it feels good. It feels so good, and Leon's response is just a quiet, undeniably relieved sigh, even as he properly leans into this warm hug.
It's daunting in a lot of ways, of course. He doesn't entirely know what this means for them, except that they're treading utterly new ground for the both of them. Leon's not oblivious to the fact that Stahn is nervous too, after all--who wouldn't be at a moment like this? But all of that is so easy to put aside, because it's so warm like this... so comfortable, and he's so content.
He doesn't need anything more than this in this particular moment, and for once he's not thinking of the future. Only this, and how easy it is to lean into Stahn's arms and accept it. He's unaware of the smile on his face, small but warm and sincere, really, so it's a good thing said face is still buried in Stahn's chest.]
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he can feel leon's face buried in his chest, and even though stahn knows that means leon can probably hear and feel the rapid way his heart pounds in light of it all... he doesn't mind. he wants leon to feel that; he wants leon to know that the depths of his sincerity stretch far beyond the words and actions he can decide on consciously. he can't tell his heart to calm down during this, after all. it's not just the excitement of coming to a realization, or that they're in this position now. it's everything.
it's those things, but it's the fact that leon has, for all intents and purposes, confessed. it's the fact that leon isn't tensing up or pushing him away. it's the fact that they're sharing a warmth and trust that stahn had never expect would come to be.
even if there are things about this that make him nervous, there's nothing about this that doesn't make stahn completely happy. he's a person who has always been full of love to give, but this is a different sort of love. it's the kind of thing he dreamed of, that he hoped he would one day have, because... well, isn't that what a lot of people want? the warmth of family, or the warmth of someone you hold dear to you. being surrounded by the people you love, being able to embrace that person who you want to spend time with most.
sure, stahn is enamored by adventure, and he wants to experience the world. and sure, he loves the idea of heroics to a certain extent. but he's a simple country boy who doesn't really want much in the grand scheme of things. maybe the glory of heroicism would be nice, but... so would settling down and starting a family, even a makeshift family. his wants aren't very many at all in the big picture. and right now, he just wants to use this time to be around leon. to be with him and just... experience things. that experience for now is as simple as his embrace, one where his arms tighten a little more just fully grasp the sensation and warmth of leon in them. and it's as simple as him burying his face into leon's hair and just taking in every feeling that goes with that.
it's warm.
it's so warm, even for stahn who emits nothing but warmth all the time. in a sense, he wishes he'd realized it sooner, but he's also happy this comes at a time when leon is willing to accept these feelings—that's more important, after all.]
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It's almost like he's in a daze--or at least, that's how Leon feels. Stahn's arms tighten around him, Stahn buries his face in Leon's hair, Stahn's heart is beating that fast, and Leon's not entirely sure that he's completely awake anymore. The way this has gone... well, he's never been enough of a romantic to dream of things like this, but he's also had enough longing to know that this sort of warmth in his chest is what he's always been looking for.
This is all he's ever wanted from another person, isn't it? For someone to care about him this much, because he's him. For someone to want to just... hold onto him like this, with the sense that they never want to let go. For someone to love him, and it's different from how Chal and Marian love him, and even so, it's not in a bad way. It's a little confusing, but...
It's not bad.
Swept along as he is by this entire heady situation, the warmth and encouragement and comfort of Stahn feeling the same way as he does, Leon's finding it all too easy to let down his guard and do things he will deny enthusiastically in about five seconds.
Which is why he shifts to turn his head, cheek pillowed against Stahn's chest instead of his forehead, almost... snuggling closer. It's an automatic, instinctive reaction to that sort of warmth, though the cold from outside is now just a long, distant memory. There could never be any warmer position than this, and yet he's drawn closer anyway. And maybe that's what it means to be held like this, and to be cared for, and to be able to bask in Stahn's sunshine-y self and--
--and then he catches himself and definitely has to deny it enthusiastically, because even despite all of this, he's still Leon. As soon as he realizes just how close and affectionate he was being, he makes a quiet choking noise and tries to pull away a little. This is dangerous. He's a little too easily swept away by just how good that felt, and he was totally acting in a way that was completely embarrassing.
... Even after confessions and everything that's happened, Leon is still Leon, after all, which is why he's avoiding Stahn's gaze after that, blushing furiously and expression grumpy--the sort of grumpiness that comes of total embarrassment.]
no subject
and then suddenly, he isn't.
it's gone as quickly as it came, though in all honesty, stahn got a hell of a lot more than he expected out this. even if it was brief, even if it was just for a moment that leon let go completely—it happened. it happened, and that's what makes it all okay. stahn himself had been willing to remain that way for as long as leon felt comfortable, and now that time has come and gone.
but it's okay, because it's a slow process, and it's one that doesn't need to happen in a day, or even in a week. stahn can wait for leon to be ready for whatever comes next.
so when leon makes his attempt to pull away, stahn is quick to comply, dropping his arms and drawing back slightly. he gives leon the room he needs, and even though he looks and can see the way his expression has shifted, it doesn't seem to bother him in the least.]
It's okay. [he says the words quietly, and there are a plethora of meanings that come with his tone. "it's okay that you pulled back," "it's okay if you're embarrassed," "it's okay if that was too much." stahn doesn't intend to push his luck, and just as he's always been patient in getting leon to come around before, he'll do the same now. even when it's awkward, and even if he didn't really want to break that embrace at all. the peaceful smile remains, and as if to spare leon the feeling of eyes watching his embarrassment, his lids flutter shut as he draws in a quiet breath.
even with all that, his heart is still pounding rapidly; what used to be something that stahn found frustrating is now just an endearing trait that he's come to accept.]
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But his hands feel cold now that they're no longer holding hands, and that's nobody's fault but Leon's.
Why did he have to pull away so firmly...? Why couldn't he have just... kept sitting there and enjoying things? Of course, he knows why. He knows why he has issues with touch and with letting his guard down to that extent. He knows why that was almost too intense for him, with the way he reacted himself. He knows why he had to pull away. But even so...
(In a lot of ways, Leon is always his own worst enemy.)
So despite Stahn's reassurances, Leon's lips twist into an unhappy expression, though he can really only huff faintly in response (a downtrodden sound) before he's bringing his knees back up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them again. It's warm in the room, and the fire is still warm, but he feels so cold now without Stahn's arms around him. And now he doesn't know how to reinitiate, or fix this situation. He doesn't even entirely know what he wants, but this wasn't it.
And so, in that position, he'll stare at the fire, shoulders hunched.
Stupid.]
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he can sense the conflict that comes with this situation; leon's bad with opening up, with closeness and affections—and yet all the same, he was enjoying their moment, wasn't he? but now he's embarrassed and uncomfortable. he knows leon well enough to know that no matter how much he wants to do something, or if he regrets it... that his pride is stopping him.
stahn knows this is the sort of thing that requires him to step in, but he also knows that he can't just do that without a little conditioning first. a cool-down period for leon can get his head on straight. he knows that he can press forward after that, and maybe they'll have better luck with things just when that time comes to pass. so instead, stahn lets out a small hum before he shifts position.
he faces the fire as before, but sidles up to leon as he does so. with his gaze settled on the fire, he moves so that his shoulder just barely touches leon's. but after a moment, he leans back, propping himself up with his elbows and just taking a more casual position.
he'll wait. he'll wait, because he knows he has to wait—if he doesn't, he may just end up upsetting leon, which isn't what he wants. for someone so hot-blooded and passionate, he's really doing his best to handle the situation with care. of all the many things he's done recklessly, this isn't one of them... he genuinely doesn't want to mess this up.]
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He doesn't understand. He's not sure he likes it, honestly--it's a bit much to swallow, when it comes down to it. He needs to be careful. After all... Stahn has his family. They were just discussing this. And family aside, Stahn also wants to adventure, and travel. Leon... can't do that. He has a duty back home, a position to hold onto, and... if Stahn wants to see more of the world, he won't be able to go with him.
It's strange, that the thought that he might, if he could, legitimately crosses his mind.
His shoulders hunch a little further, but his gaze does sneak over to glance at Stahn--and when he realizes that Stahn is looking at the fire and not him, he studies him more intently, as if searching for some resolution to his own quandaries. But all he sees is Stahn watching the fire, with the same lax posture and position as ever, hair a little messier than usual perhaps with the way their foreheads were pressed together for a bit (Leon thinks his own hair might be mussed up too, and his fingers twitch to fix it, but he doesn't move). The same smile. The same air of peaceable affability as ever. And the same eyes that Leon has always found difficult to ignore, if only with how innocent and yet fierce they could be.
Honestly, like this Stahn was a bit of a work of art... someone casually sprawled by the fire, colors painted orange and red. And Leon thinks that maybe that is his answer... that if he could, he would choose to keep doing this with Stahn, for more nights like this. For more fighting back to back, and traveling further, and seeing the way Stahn's face lights up when he sees something new.
... But he can't, so it's ridiculous to even consider it, and Leon sharply turns his head back to the fire, staring into it as intently as he can. He wasn't expecting this to make his thoughts even more complicated, but somehow it happened. Stahn has always been trouble, after all.]
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it makes him smile a little wider, though just as warm and serene as it's been. the expression in his eyes matches it; though they stare forward to watch the blazing warmth of the fire, they still carry the sort of affection that's clearly meant for leon to see. but he's fine like this... he has thoughts of his own too, after all.
things have changed quickly, and honestly... it gives stahn a bit of a different perspective. what does he want in life? he wants to see his family, and he wants to see the world. but does he have to do it at once? does he have to do it right after they finish this journey? maybe there's something else he can do. maybe there's a way to stay near leon? maybe... maybe there's a way they can go on an adventure together some other time, when leon's already made a name for himself and doesn't have to be sunk into nothing but missions all the time. that would be nice, wouldn't it? then they'd be able to see each other and travel together. and really, he wants both of those things. he wants to be near leon, and he wants to keep him safe.
from what, he's not sure. but that's a feeling that's there. he wants to support leon and continue to give him warmth and ensure that he knows what it's like to feel loved and cared for. that... that's important to him, in more ways than he'd taken into consideration during the earlier part of their conversation.]
Hey, Leon... [after a few minutes of silence, stahn breaks the silence with a direct way of addressing him. though his gaze never shifts away from the fire, he continues on before leon can respond, asking a pretty bold question without any hesitation.]
What if I stayed in Darilsheid a while longer when everything is over?
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Leon's startled enough that he himself looks away from the fire, wide eyes fixed onto Stahn almost immediately. But Stahn is as calm and serene as he's been this entire evening, and Leon...
Well, maybe he's overreacting, but isn't it a lot? Isn't Stahn saying quite a lot here, even without actually putting words to it? Isn't Stahn... well, they had just been talking about what he wanted to do with his life, but spending time in Darilsheid had never been part of the plan.
There is really only one reason that Stahn could want that. It's... for Leon solely, isn't it?
(And despite his shock, the warmth that comes of having someone plan something just for him... just to be by him... well, it's a sort of warmth he's never experienced before, isn't it?)]
You...
[He's still startled though, so much so that words don't come easily. How does he say that he would like nothing more than for Stahn to do just that? How does he say that that's given him so much hope for the end of the mission, and not being alone, and... getting more out of this, and not being lonely anymore? He can't say any of that, it's too much, it's far too raw and revealing.
But he wants it.]
...If your decisions on what to do with the future are that lackadaisical, then... do what you want.
[But somehow, Leon doubts that Stahn is truly being lackadaisical. He doubts this sudden switch was really that frivolously made. He thinks... for once he understands, and if Stahn is doing this, it's to be with Leon after the moment they had, and that... it warms him. It warms him more than anything he can think of, while at the same time being something he wants so badly that he can feel his heart ache with the sensation of it.
... But what about Hugo?
This seems perfect, somehow, but... Leon still can't rid himself of the foreboding chill that runs down his spine even so. Will this really be alright?]
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[time for a little bit of soul searching? maybe. maybe it's that, because stahn doesn't have a set path in life that he can see. he doesn't really know what he wants to do; and while he knows he wants to settle down in the future and just be some kind of family man—he's not at that stage yet.
he has time, and once this conflict is resolved, he need to work towards that. he can't stay in leane forever when there's so much more the world has to offer. he can't stay in leane when... leon in darilsheid. or maybe be can but he doesn't want to. and he knows that leon doesn't want that, either. despite the way their conversation from earlier went, he can tell from those words that leon wouldn't mind it. he wouldn't refuse it.
leon could call it lackadaisical if he wants, and maybe there is something impulsive about the idea. but to say it's the first time that it's crossed his mind would be a lie. he hasn't known all along just what to do, or how to go about it. they've been so focused on the mission in front of them that stahn hasn't been afforded too many chances to really sit and figure it out. but when he's next to leon... he feels warm. and the idea of parting from leon so soon after they've figured this out...
it would be lonely.
stahn can recognize that, and if he knows that he would be lonely, then what would that mean for leon, who doesn't have anyone beyond chal and marian? he can't... he can't just leave leon alone, that much is what keeps filtering through his mind every time he tries to figure it out.]
I can go on an adventure later. The world isn't going anywhere, and I'm ntot either. So... I'll have time to do those things. [later, when things are calm. maybe when leon can stay with him and they can experience things together. so then neither of them has to be alone.]
I'll still have to go back to Leane to check in on Gramps and Lilith but... [he shifts his gaze to leon, and the smile on his lips is as warm as can be.] I like Darilsheid a lot, so it would be nice.
[really, what he means of course, is that it'll be nice to be around leon. not that he doesn't like darilsheid, but it could be there, leane, noischtat or even here in cyril, and he'd be perfectly happy because he could be near leon.
...and maybe he could do something about that shared feeling of foreboding, too. he may not have it in the same sense leon does, and he may not even know that it exists with leon. but stahn knows it's there; something about hugo... something about hugo and leon's relationship... he can't leave them alone. something bad feels like it could happen if he does, so that only seals it more in his mind. maybe he's totally wrong and the feeling is a false one, but stahn's not one to misjudge a person. something there is wrong.
so he needs to stay with leon and make sure he doesn't hurt alone if something happens. he needs to be there and be the wall of support he promised just a little while earlier, always.]
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To come with him.
It's such a warm feeling. He... wants Stahn to come with him. Even the thought of Stahn going to Leane for a moment to check on his family feels like it'll be a bit too long, but that's silly. That's obviously necessary, and he'd never keep Stahn from that, so he bites his tongue on it. Stahn will be around. Stahn will be there for him. That's--
... Incredibly clingy of him, isn't it?
Leon's mouth twists a little, but his expression is hard to read; it's pretty clear from his face that he's got a lot of conflicting emotions about this. He's clingy right now, but... he's also found someone who will go to such lengths for him, and it's someone whose company he legitimately enjoys. Basking in the warm that Stahn carries with him everywhere is such a nice feeling, and having that would be...
(What would Hugo think, Leon wonders for a moment.
And then he thinks who cares what that bastard thinks, and it's the first step towards something, though if it's good or bad it's hard to say until it happens.)
Ultimately what he settles on is... pleased, but he can't show Stahn that, so he's quick to turn back towards the fire, burying his chin in his crossed arms to hide his slight smile, which he can feel on his face. It's strange, but... he's been smiling an awful lot for him tonight, hasn't he?]
... Like I said. Do what you want. [Stay with him. He wants this, and it's taking his mind off of that feeling of being left alone at the end of the journey. If he was more aware of things, and less distracted by thoughts of Stahn and the lingering warmth he can still feel from how close they were, he would notice that this hasn't made the foreboding feeling go away--even when it should have.
But for now, he's happy--and that happens preciously little that he's willing to embrace it and not think so hard about it.]
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[even though leon turns away, it doesn't seem to make the room feel any more tense. he doesn't get the sense that leon is doing this to close himself off or pull away. he can't say for sure that he's embarrassed or hiding any sort of happiness with the conversation...
but stahn knows for certain that leon's not trying to wall him off in any way. and for him... that makes it okay. whatever it is that leon's doing right now is okay, because he doesn't feel as if he's being pushed away for a decision like this.]
It's what I want. So... I guess it's decided, then. [lazily flopping backwards as he'd been laying much earlier, the smile just widens on his face. even though the foreboding feeling does exist, stahn's determination to overcome the obstacles trumps that. he's happy right now, like this. he's happy with leon's warmth, he's happy with the idea of staying by leon's side. he knows he can do this without giving up on his own dreams and goals, so why wouldn't he? especially when considering that one of his goals is truly for leon to be happy.
he wants leon to smile easily, and wants leon to be able to acknowledge his feelings without fear or reluctance. he knows those things won't come easily, but stahn truly feels that with time, they'll be able to lean on each other with even greater support than they have up until this point. that's important, and it's important enough to leave leane for. he isn't sure any reason before this has ever been as much so—even if not going back because of the mission counts, his leaving to begin with paled in comparison to what he faces now.
maybe that's why he can decide so easily. and while it would nice to hear leon say that he wants stahn around, it's not necessary. it isn't something stahn needs to hear, because he knows the truth. they've both agreed somehow that with their journey ending... separating after coming so far and making such important realizations means things just can't return as they were.
stahn couldn't leave and forget leon. and he's sure that leon wouldn't forget him either. what's happening today, right now... the sights, the scents, the feelings of warmth... they're all being etched into stahn's memory in a way that he could never dream of forgetting. even though right now, turning onto his side doesn't give him much of a view of leon—he's mostly turned away, so it's the image of his back—it's a sight he won't forget, not ever.
he can't remember ever feeling like this, or feeling this sort of happiness. he's a person with a lot of love and joy, but he keeps feeling blown away by how strongly this resonates with him. is this what it means to have a life changing force in your heart? if it is... then he's okay with it. he'll embrace it, so long as leon does as well.]