realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

... It won't.

[He says that much with some certainty, because...well, he's more optimistic than he was before.

He can believe that it won't last longer now. He knows that no matter how troublesome or dark the rain can be, they'll be fine. The sun will come back out.

(And he's fine--because he has a sun right here next to him.)]

And even this will be fine. [Even the rain...it won't bother him for long when he can talk with Stahn like this.]

[it's really... warm and refreshing to hear something like that from judas, honestly. it's so simple but yet so honest.

there was a time when he would have insisted it was fine, but only because he was closing himself off. now he is the one who can see the positive in things, and it feels really nice.]

Mm, you're right. I can feel the aches going away already too just thinking about it.

[He's not really surprised that Stahn's capable of being that enthusiastically optimistic, in comparison to Judas' barely-there optimism, but at least he sounds confident enough.

That helps.

So quietly, Judas nods, and simply:]

They will go away. [They both know that by now--they always do. But... even more than the physical aches... so too will the ache that comes of Chaltier being gone, Judas knows, even if it's been a slow process, which is why quietly, he adds:]

...All of them.

[stahn knows. he knows, and he understands, and that's why he's a little more subdued when he speaks again.]

Time will make it easier, Emilio. [he's gentle when he speaks, because he can tell just from the shift in tone that judas is still struggling hard with that pain—and he knows it's because there hasn't yet been enough time for it to heal.]

Just... try to remember that Chaltier wouldn't want you to be in pain for his sake. It's okay to be sad about it. You should be, because he was your partner. But... he would want you to heal sooner.

[He knows that everything Stahn's saying is true. He knows that Chal wouldn't want him to mourn, he was happy to rejoin his friends and loved ones and rest. And Chal of all people certainly deserved to be able to rest. In that sense, it's selfish to be sad over it.

But he is even so.

Because Chal had been there his entire life, and now that he doesn't have him, even when he thought he was done leaning on him, it was a bit like missing a limb. He kept reaching for it, expecting Chal to be there, and he never is. Sometimes, he almost says things out loud to him, but after a few months to adjust to Chal being gone, he's at least managed to nip that habit in the bud.

Quietly, he nods.]

I know. With regards to that... I will do the best I can.

[To heal as quickly as he can. To stop moping, and being depressed over something that basically happened in another lifetime.]

I am aware that...this is a different life entirely. I do not intend to allow my previous ones to weigh me down.

You don't have to rush your way through it. No matter what, these things take time.

[he knows that, and he doesn't want judas to feel like he needs to rush himself through the mourning process for anyone else's sake. even that mentioning what chaltier would want for him—it's not meant to be a form of pressure.]

But I thought... maybe remembering that would help. It was like that for me too, to remember that Dymlos wouldn't want me to dwell on it for a long time either. [it's more of a mild encouragement, at least... stahn thinks so.

he wants judas to go at his own pace and let his wounds heal in the way he needs to—he doesn't really want to make him feel as if there's a pressing need to "get over it" or move past it. if he needs to mope or feel depressed...

then stahn knows that he'll just want to be the one who sits across from judas, or next to him and lets him be that way until he feels ready to lift his head an move forward.]

Your previous lives... they're still part of you. They'll never go away; they're what make you who you are. So it's okay if you need time. You still have a long life ahead of you here, Emilio.

[Honestly.

Stahn's always been caring, but all of these years have just made him even more doting and fond. He's so calm and dependable. Sometimes, Judas can feel himself falling into the lull of security that Stahn gives to all of the kids at the orphanage--which he then has to shake himself out of, because he's not a child.

Still. It's so easy to do.

Wryly, Judas shakes his head. Even if that's true...]

There is any number of better uses of my time now. Even if I have nothing but time now... I would rather put it to good use.

... I've discovered that it is all too easy to run out. [Of time, that is... he won't make that mistake again.]

Yeah... I won't say you're wrong about that.

[he's learned that too so many times over the years. time is fleeting. people could be there and gone in a flash, and you never knew when they would go, either.]

Just as long as you're not pushing yourself. Don't force it... because even if you want to use your time in other ways... It won't really heal or get better if you just try to ignore it.

[stahn laughs quietly, and maybe almost a little bitterly as he remembers some of his own past. they're things he never spoke about before, he grew to just accept them, but they're still there, scars that never healed quite properly.] I learned that for myself... it's not something I'm telling you just because it sounds good.

[... You know, Stahn doesn't have to say much more for Leon to have a pretty good idea that he knows of at least one of those things he's talking about.

He's quiet for a moment, considering, before he finally nods, resolutely. He won't bring it up.

Instead, he'll just go ahead and try to comfort Stahn as best he can through making him worry less.]

I will be certain...to do what mourning I must. If nothing else, Chal deserves that much.

[it's not something stahn would mind talking about at this point—it's been long enough. but remembering it can be hard all the same. so if judas doesn't ask, stahn won't push the sentiments on him further.

he won't say things judas doesn't want to be reminded of, because in a way, it may only hurt him more, right?]

I want you to do whatever you think you need to. I just want to make sure you don't end up hurting yourself more... I want...

I want you to be able to leave that kind of pain with the lives that are also left behind. Some things will always stay, and those things makes you you. But that doesn't mean you have to invite any more hurt into your heart.

[At the very least, Judas has a great deal more poise than Leon ever did; he's able to absorb all of that relatively gracefully, simply nodding in response. He's been the guiding force for so long lately that it still feels odd to be encouraged and helped by someone else, but... that's how it is.

With Stahn, things are different, and he can accept that.]

I understand.

[Putting it into practice is easier said than done, but at least he understands what Stahn's getting at here.]

I believe...the trip will help.

[To at least close that part of his past away a bit more.]

Mm, I think it will too. That's why we'll go as soon as we can. I'm sure that won't be hard to set up.

[rutee will absolutely understand, he's sure of that much.]

You'll be stronger for it in the end, Emilio. You're already really strong, but this... I think it'll help even more.

[he can't turn off his dad senses or his best friend senses. like, at all.]

[... Strong, huh. It'd been all he was striving for for so long--to be stronger than Hugo, strong enough to stand on his own... and then to be strong enough to protect, and strong enough to take care of Kyle and the others.

Now...?

He supposes he'd like to be strong enough to protect his family here, but... that's not really his role or purpose, he feels.

He's not here to fight anymore, or to protect. He's here.... well, maybe it's to fill holes in the ceiling, and to help with the grocery shopping, and to cook and to use what hundred little random skills he's obtained to help out here.]

I'm not interested in being much stronger.

[It's... honestly a huge change from how he was, but he just offers a faint, quiet smile, barely visible.]

But I believe it will help as well. I will look forward to the trip.

[Traveling alone with Stahn again after so long--he'll look forward to that too.]

Not that kind of strong. This kind of strong.

[stahn taps his chest right over his heart with his index finger, smiling softly. he doesn't mean the strength to protect others or defeat his enemies. he means the strength as a person—something judas has definitely grown in spades since they last met.

it's important that judas realizes how much he's grown that way, what a strong person he's become since everything that happened eighteen years ago.

he can see it from the way judas speaks, and the way he smiles—he's grown so much. leaps and bounds, and that's worth acknowledging.]

The trip... it'll be good. Not just for what we're going to do but.... it'll be fun, won't it? Going on an adventure together like we used to.

["This" kind of strong...? For all of his growth and learning and improvement, Judas still isn't entirely sure he gets what Stahn means..... he quirks an eyebrow vaguely, but otherwise doesn't question it. He figures it'll all be made apparent soon enough--or that he's not the sort of person who's supposed to get it. Either is possible when it comes to Stahn and his Stahnisms.

Anyway, he's not wrong about the rest--this trip...really should be fun. For all that Judas has settled down and talks of wanting to be able to put down his sword and never lift it again, he sure is jumping at the chance for an adventure with Stahn again.

Though. Even for Judas that's embarrassing to be too obvious about.]

I suppose it will be tolerable enough. If nothing else, you cannot be more obnoxious than you were the first time we traveled together.

[Whatever, Judas, you loved it as Leon and you'll love it now.]

[judas, why must you be so oblivious to what he means? still, a quirked eyebrow doesn't really indicate much, and the fact that he doesn't question it it all...

well, honestly, stahn's not sure it if was understood at all or not. but he can't dwell on it either, especially not when judas has almost entirely shifted the topic of conversation. it's probably fine though, considering it's unlikely to be the last time strength of heart ever comes up in conversation. judas is still growing and learning, and stahn has every intention of helping him along the way if he can.]

Hey—come on! [that's rude, judas!! stahn scrunches his nose a little.] We always worked really well together, even if you're going to complain about it now.

[take that.]

[Judas has learned a lot but he's still not always good at Emotional Things, bear with him, Stahn--so it's easier to focus on the shift in conversation, and Judas just tilts his head slightly to one side.

Stahn being fussy is reminiscent and enjoyable, honestly.]

Hmph.

Perhaps you simply have memories tinted by all of the years you have aged. [Old man.

(he doesn't mean it, but it's amusing.)]

[why is he still so difficult sometimes!!]

Or maybe you just don't want to admit I'm right. [two can play at this game, after all. he sure can be fussy and childish when he wants to be—and somehow judas still hasn't forgotten what buttons to press in this situation.

stahn knows he's teasing too, but he still would like!! for judas!! to acknowledge it... maybe a little...]

[Because.....he's still Leon Magnus deep down inside...]

That has nothing to do with it.

[Stahn can win a lot of things, just be sheer overwhelming Judas with affection or dad-like wisdom or his warm kindness--

But something like this is pretty easy for Judas to keep on arguing, silly as it is.]

If nothing else, I suppose you will be more aware of what things like "ambush" and "sneaky" mean now, as opposed to blundering right into things.

[If Stahn's going to open himself up to old teasing, Judas isn't going to hesitate.]

L—

[he almost does it. he almost blurts out that classic whine of "leeeeoooooonnnnnnnnn," out of the sheer habit that comes from the way the teasing comes about.

but he catches himself and stops—that was two lives ago for judas, and that's just bad news. so he holds his tongue, but it doesn't stop him from pouting like a kid.]

I wasn't that bad, you know.

[It's so nostalgic, it almost makes his heart ache.

Judas knows what Stahn was about to do and say--he's heard that sort of whiny tone with his name so often before, it's so familiar it's like it was almost yesterday.

But.

But he's not Leon Magnus anymore. And even if it's a strange feeling, a mix of triumph and sincere ache for what he'd lost like that, all of the times with his friends, all of the times of Stahn calling his name out like this, of the others knowing him as Leon Magnus, the obnoxious prodigy knight, but also their friend.

The expression he makes in response to that is a little funny--a bit of a half-smile, wry and tired in equal measure, amused and sad all at once, and then he nods, and concedes.]

...Perhaps you weren't. Maybe I am the one remembering it differently.

[okay, so maybe stahn's childish whining will be brought to an end after that concession—though it's a little less that and a lot more the mix of emotions he can glean from judas than anything else.

there are a lot of mixed emotions in it, and it's enough to bring stahn a little closer to reality. he's all for childish and playful teasing and keep an atmosphere fun when it calls for it. but this isn't something he can ignore either, so stahn draws in a breath and his expression grows a little warmer and more subdued.]

...Maybe it's a little bit of both. It's... been a long time, for both of us.

[Of course Stahn would catch onto that. Judas doesn't even know why he's surprised by it anymore. After all... it's Stahn. And it's Stahn after he truly came into his own and became the person he wanted to be.

The sort of person who is constantly caring for others.

Still, that doesn't mean Judas is the sort of person to want to be cared for. Instead, he simply nods quietly, but doesn't seem to otherwise have any interest in delving into what he's feeling.]

True enough. I imagine you are still just as reckless as you were then, however.

[to that though, stahn will shake his head. he won't deny that he's been reckless plenty of times in the past. but it's not that simple anymore.]

No... I have too much to lose if I'm reckless. [he'll elaborate on that.]

I would do anything to protect any of you... my family. Even if it means my own life. But I won't do anything to put life in danger any other way. If I'm gone...

[he closes his eyes, and though the sentiment is definitely a bittersweet one, considering what he knows about the other timelines now—he sounds more resolved than anything else.] Everyone would be sad. I know they would get by, but I can't do anything to do that to them unless it really can't be helped.

[he won't go blindly getting in over his head or fighting monsters or men that could take his life just for the thrill. he can't live like the hot-blooded kid he was eighteen years ago. he has a family to protect and provide for.]

If I make them sad... then I'll have failed them.

[Well then.

It surprises him, it honestly does, but... in a good way. Even if he has to grimace when Stahn says that he'd give his life for his family (because he'd tried so hard to prevent just that from happening before), the rest is...well, it's very adult of him He's a caretaker, and he has a lot of people who depend on him.

It's admirable.

Judas' lips twitch in a smile finally, and he nods--before reaching out and resting his hand on Stahn's shoulder, a bit of an acknowledging and accepting gesture all in one.]

... Good then. That is as it should be.

[It's a short response, but... he hopes that Stahn will understand that in a lot of ways, he's proud too.]

Edited 2016-06-16 00:52 (UTC)

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