you can't spell "alone" without "leon" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
discard) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
discard) wrote in realpolitik2015-10-16 11:13 am
Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071
[this is a catch-all for boyfriends
here's a list
- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]
no subject
[words are just words. maybe they don't mean anything at all. anyone can say words, and it's not like he can blame leon for not wanting to take someone's words at face value, no matter how sincere they may be. he was surrounded by people who he didn't trust, and people who didn't trust him either...
so wasn't it just natural for leon to feel that way about words? maybe they were meaningless. was it ever his words that got through to leon? or was it just his actions? his sincerity? something had gotten through to him somewhere along the way.
it was never his words, unless the words were part of sincere gestures.
it had been the fact that he never gave up even when leon wanted him to stop talking. it's the fact that he would talk to every person they met in every town. it was that he'd make sure they were okay and safe, and that he'd listen to whatever they had to say, even if it slowed them up in getting information. it was looking out for the team and always being prepared. right. maybe he's been going about this wrong all along. maybe all this time, it really never should have been the words that mattered.
how often did leon's words matter? he often said things he didn't mean, things that were vaguely derisive yet masked compliments. things that seemed dismissive but were full of contemplation.
right.
right.
this isn't about words.
so stahn finds himself sitting up, contorting himself in a way that he can do so without letting go of leon's hand. that's the last thing he wants to do right now. it's a bit awkward to do so, but he finds a way, and then moves closer to leon. he's determined now, full of fire and conviction.
he can't give up on leon, no matter what. stahn straightens his back and looks directly at leon, and what follows are words that are equal parts determined and soft; there's a strangely gentle way he manages to approach it while still be firm.]
Believe in me... believe in the fact that I say them because I mean it. [maybe leon can't believe in what stahn says and believes, but can he at least believe in stahn?]
no subject
(When has that ever happened? When has Stahn ever given up on him? The answer is never, and Leon knows it.)
So he can feel his heart beating in his throat when Stahn sits up as well, but... what escapes him isn't any condemnation at all. There's no scorn or condemnation for Leon not being able to be like the rest of them. They make it seem so easy, trusting people and each other, being friends, acting like that. They make it seem so easy that Leon's sure it's impossible for them to understand just how incapable he is. Even if he wanted to... he can't. He just can't.
But Stahn doesn't. As ever... he doesn't condemn. He doesn't give up. He doesn't even get angry at Leon or blame him or any of the reactions that would probably be entirely reasonably at this point, because Leon knows that he ruined their quiet moment, just like he ruins so many things, and--
And instead, Stahn meets his eyes firmly, and patiently, and gently, and Leon swallows automatically, stunned. He's not sure how to take this moment, or what, exactly, it means, but... even for him, he knows this is something important. This is a serious, important moment, and the determination on Stahn's face, and the warmth of his hand are things that Leon can't ignore.
Believe in... Stahn? It's so frustrating. He can't say something like that. He can't say "I believe in you"--it's foreign to his nature. He doesn't know how to say things like that.]
... I... [His breath catches, because there's something about this moment that is undeniably overwhelming. Stahn... for whatever reason, Stahn is still here, not giving up on him, never giving up on him, and instead asking of him such a deep, impossible request.
And Leon's shoulders slump, head bowing slightly.]
You are...ridiculous.
[Stahn is so ridiculous. Everything about this request--it's ridiculous. Because--]
Don't ask for what I already-- [...] --You are asking for the most unnecessary and ridiculous things, as ever.
[--because he's already given Stahn that. He trusts him... and he has for awhile. It can't be taken back now. And being confronted with it like this... it's frightening. Leon has always held people at arm's length, because that has always been the only way to protect himself.
But he can't. He's already failed, here, and he's vulnerable now, and there's not a damned thing he can do about it.]
no subject
[okay, so maybe he is a little ridiculous, but that's part of who he is. but still when he says those words, there's a little more light in stahn's eyes. it's just a quiet reminder that he does these things because he's himself, because he's stahn aileron.
and maybe he's a little lighter because even if he backpedaled a bit on his words, he knows what leon is trying to say. it's ridiculous to ask that question, because he believes in stahn. that's what he's trying to say, and that's enough. it's enough for stahn, because he understands the implication of that. and he understands how hard this has to be for leon.]
I don't need you to say it, Leon. [he doesn't need that. he doesn't need leon to stretch that far outside of his comfort zone.
the words themselves don't matter, right? so he's soft in what he says now. it's more assuring, because he knows it isn't easy. because he knows he's probably asking too much of leon. there's just so much that stahn wants to convey though. he's just... he's not really sure how to either. so all he can do is just carry on and be himself.]
But if you do, then... [then what? believe his words? take everything he says as the truth? stop pushing him away so much? stop trying to keep him at arm's length when he doesn't want to?
stahn doesn't know how to follow that statement up. he's not good at this either—things like words. things like really knowing how to bring comfort to someone else who comes from a situation he can hardly even fathom?
he draws in a quiet breath, looking at leon with a gentle expression. is warm—like stahn always is. he reaches for leon's other hand too, because... well, he doesn't know. it just seems like the right thing to do right now. he doesn't need leon's words, but he needs something else right now, but it's something he thinks he may have to put forth first.]
Remember what I said already. You won't be alone, even if I'm not there. And when you need me to be there, I'll find a way. [it's the only kind of comfort and assurance he can bring leon. and maybe it's unnecessary. maybe it's ridiculous, but he wants to say it. he wants to drill it into leon's head how much he means it.
it's not as if he wants these things to end either. stahn hates knowing that when this mission is over, everyone will go their separate ways, and he won't get to see them unless they make an effort, or things work out, or something goes wrong. it weighs on his mind too, but rather than feel abandoned, it's just lonely.
he'll say the things leon can't, and he'll put forth the effort that leon won't, so long as he can stop pushing it away actively.
there's more he should say, or maybe some way to offset how strange this conversation is, but stahn refrains. right now he's being very raw, very honest... with himself and with leon, in a way that surprises even himself. but it's also something stahn feels strongly enough about not to hesitate.
leon may feel vulnerable, but stahn does too—this is new territory in every respect.]
That's what friends do.
no subject
Of course, the words are... they're ridiculous and nonsensical. He won't be alone? He will be alone. Stahn will be there when he needs him? There's no way. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. He can't--
But he does.
He believes it. When it comes from Stahn like this, in this moment, in the position they're in... he believes all of it.
And it's terrifying. Is this what faith in someone feels like? It feels like Stahn is asking him to take such an enormous risk, and yet... because it's Stahn, Leon feels like he's willing to do it, and isn't that what's scariest of all? Ultimately, Leon can only look away, finding Stahn's gaze to be too much to handle, fingers tightening on Stahn's hands not out of some sort of affection, but more out of something like fear. In this case, Stahn is a lifeline, and Leon can't let go.]
I don't... [He breathes out, a slow, shaky breath.] I don't want this.
[That's what he says, but--it's said weakly, because he knows it's too late. He may not have wanted it, but this is what he has now, and there's no going back.]
no subject
it feels contradictory to leon's words. he says he doesn't want this, but he holds on so tightly that stahn knows it isn't true. he can't believe in something like that, and he won't accept it, either. it's tiring, having leon push him away all the time when it's clear he's doing it because of his own inability to accept things.
stahn may be patient. he may be kind and understanding, and he may not try to force things on leon, but he has limits too. he'd never press if he knew this is something leon didn't really want from him, and that's why he takes this so slow and tries to ease him into every change that can possibly be made. but that doesn't mean he'll let things slide, or that he'll actively let leon refuse him. it's still a delicate situation, but things are coming to the point where nothing can really be denied—there's a lot more to what they're experiencing right now than can ever be put into words.]
Then let go. [what?] If you don't want this, you can let go.
[but the reason he says this is because he knows leon doesn't want to. even if he lets go, he's lying—stahn honestly believes that. but he'll always respect leon's needs, so if he does loosen his grip and pull back, he'll just... find a new way to do it, one that doesn't overwhelm leon's sensibilities.] But I'm not going to do it first. I'm not going to let go, Leon.
[he just can't do it. he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to let go of leon at all.]
no subject
Stahn looks at him, and he tells him flat out to let go. And it's... hard. Leon knows that that's what he should do. He should just let go, and give up on this, and tell Stahn to leave him alone. He should remain alone, and stop being tempted by this oh-so-pretty picture that Stahn is offering him--
The picture that he will have a friend, a friend who will always be there for him, and a friend who will never leave him behind. That he won't be lonely, that he'll have support and backup. All of these things that--
That he knows can't possibly be true.
And even so, he can't let go. His fingers twitch and his expression, for a moment, is sincerely panicked. He doesn't want this, and he doesn't want to let go. What does he want right now? He doesn't know, but Stahn's hands are warm, and so is his expression, even if he's issuing Leon this challenge. And Leon tenses, as though to finally pull away, as though he's finally giving in and then--
He doesn't.
His shoulders slump, and he looks away with a bitter twist to his lips, but he also doesn't pull his hands away, because more than anything, he doesn't want to. It's strange. Stahn's hands are still so warm, but somehow he feels like right now, he lost.]
no subject
it's not what stahn wants at all. because he wants leon to understand where he's coming from, and because he wants leon to accept his friendship (as if that's all it is), he doesn't want to have to work harder to earn that. leon clearly trusts him and believes in him—so him pulling away just seems counter-intuitive.
...but leon doesn't actually pull away and all, and the sigh of relief that comes with it is audible. it's as if stahn is letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding. in doing do, his heart feels like it's pounding so hard in his chest that it may just burst from his ribcage. he's relieved. he's so relieved. and even if it comes from just a bit of leon's defeat in being unable to resist it.]
See? [that's all stahn says, and he does so with a weak smile all his own. it's full of warmth and relief, but there's still a nervous tension to it, as if whatever they've accomplished in these last few minutes could slip away so easily. probably because they could, even if it's clear that the trust and warmth he wants to share is being accepted in some strange way. but he doesn't say anything else, not even the "i knew you didn't mean it," that sits on his mind. there's a thought about how he wishes leon could be honest with his words too, but that remains unspoken too.
instead, his own head dips a little, in turn allowing some of his disheveled hair to fall in face. the smile is still on his lips, but there's still something more to it. that relief, that warmth is so overwhelming even for stahn—he's just not sure what to do with any of these sensations either aside from squeezing leon's hands affectionately. gentle and assuring, almost as if he's silently thanking leon for not pushing him away this time.]
no subject
[Leon aims for a sharp tone, but really what he ends up with is something closer to pleading. Don't point it out. Don't point out how much he failed, how thoroughly he's lost. Because even if Leon still appreciates the warmth of Stahn's hands with his, the majority of him still feels as though he's been defeated in some way, and that is never something Leon has taken well.
So don't--please don't point it out. He can only handle so much of this.
Because when you strip away all of that, everything that Stahn has been pulling away bit by bit--all of the arrogance, all of the coldness, all of the attempts to keep people away--what's left is little more than a lonely, isolated teenage boy who doesn't know how to interact with people in any other way.
Right here and now, he doesn't know what he's doing.
But Stahn is holding his hands with such affection, and it's the sort of warmth that Leon has felt himself being drawn to more and more... so even as he bows his head in what can only be acknowledgement of his defeat, he's soaking in that warmth from Stahn's gestures. Even as his shoulders are tense, he's still holding on as though they're his lifeline.
Because really, the only thing he has to count on or depend on right now is...Stahn.
no subject
[he says the solitary word in just above a whisper, a quiet acknowledgement of what's being said.
this is hard for leon, isn't it? stahn has pushed his boundaries so far and led him into a situation where he's dealing with the unfamiliar. it's not something leon like to do, and clearly, he's not entirely sure or comfortable with the whole thing.
of course, stahn never intended things to take this turn; the fact that it has continues to be just as surprising for him. if stahn is this surprised by it, how can he expect leon to handle it any better? he's been stomping on leon's pride this whole time by pushing those boundaries. he realizes this, if even if came with leon also realizing how important what stahn's been trying to convey really is.]
Sorry. [even though it's a word of apology, it's clear he doesn't just mean it to say that he's sorry. it also says that he understands; that he won't push that issue anymore and he'll let leon come to terms with... whatever this is on his own time. stahn can respect that, he can wait however long he needs to. they've come this far; he knows there isn't any turning back from this now.
whatever this is, exactly. he doesn't have a word for anything he's feeling right now.
but his own head remains dipped—stahn doesn't realize that leon has bowed his head, so when he leans forward a bit, he doesn't expect to end with his head grazing leon's. probably something else to apologize for, but he stays quiet, with his hands gripped tightly to leon's and waits for... whatever may come next. some kind of response, or acknowledgement. something.]
no subject
So even though some of the tenseness eases out of his shoulders when Stahn apologizes, metaphorically backing up and giving Leon some space to deal with things, he's still utterly exhausted. It feels, in a way, as though he just went through some incredibly difficult battle somehow, even though it's obvious that he has not.
It's strange. He still doesn't know what to make of it.
Either way, because of that, when Stahn's head brushes against his own, Leon tenses up, but he doesn't pull away. He's just... too tired to do so now. He's too tired to kick up a fuss. Especially after he caved to Stahn, and practically admitted that he'd rather be close to Stahn instead of further away--
(He doesn't want to be far away right now.)
So instead, he just... lifts his head ever so slightly, trying to pick up his gaze to see Stahn's expression, if nothing else. So much has happened that he feels... well, lost. Maybe Stahn will have a clue about what's going on here, and then Leon can take his cues from there.
(He wasn't really expecting their faces to be this close together, though, and he freezes instead.)]
no subject
but he doesn't want to overstep his boundaries any further. stahn wants to give him a chance to figure out how he feels on his own, without forcing answers from leon. these are conclusions he needs to come to on his own... stahn may have guided him this far in an effort to showcase his own intent (or whatever it could be called), but that's as far as he can go. he can't do all the work for leon, because leon needs to be able to decide these things for himself without regret. stahn may understand his own feelings to some degree, but knowing what to do about them when they've clicked so suddenly and doing so without alienating leon... that's harder.
so he's slow to lift his head, and when he does? his breath hitches slightly. he wasn't expecting that leon would look at him with pleading eyes, with an expression that seems to be searching for something. it startles him a bit, and it makes his heart race even faster.
(seriously, it feels like it could burst.)
stahn doesn't look away though; his own eyes are searching leon's for... something. something he can't even say he knows. but he wants to look at his friend, he wants to see things as they are, and maybe if he can convey that his intent to stay close isn't fleeting, that maybe leon will begin to understand what he wants out of this situation. for himself, stahn knows that he just doesn't want to be apart from leon; he feels like there's a bond there that's too strong, and that something bad will happen if he isn't there to be his support. going back to darilsheid and being around hugo... it feels bad and foreboding somehow, even if he doesn't have any conscious reason to believe it.
maybe stahn's own eyes are pleading a bit too, like a puppy seeking acceptance. but he remains silent, breaths shallow as he tries to calm the way everything in his body seems like it'll just explode.
(when did it get like this? when did it go from just wanting to be near his friend to feeling like everything will be too painful when this all over? and why won't that foreboding air stop tugging at his mind?)]
no subject
Meeting Stahn's eyes when they're so pleading, pleading for something... well, it's not like Leon doesn't know what he's looking for. He's not good at emotions, but he's not oblivious either. There's something here that goes beyond the feelings he has for the rest of the party, and while he doesn't know what that means, he does know that Stahn's... looking to see if he does feel the same. He's looking for some sort of...acceptance, perhaps, without pushing it on Leon, and Leon...
Slowly, shakily, he breathes out, and he doesn't look away. No, in this he refuses to look away. Stahn is trying to give him the space he needs without actually pulling away, and it's that that really convinces Leon--
This is... not a bad thing. This sort of thing...he may still be frightened of it, and he may still not know how to deal with it, but that doesn't make it bad. If it's Stahn, only if it's Stahn, then... it's okay, isn't it? Because Stahn is everything that's straightforward in the world. Stahn doesn't have ulterior motives. Stahn wants to help people, and look out for his friends, and be there for...for everyone.
But also for him.
And Leon swallows, but he can't look away, even as his expression solidifies into something just a little more certain. He doesn't know what will happen in the future. Perhaps in the end this will go terribly, and Stahn won't actually uphold his end of the deal. Perhaps if he needs him, Stahn won't be there.
He'll accept that, then, as his due for accepting this. Now it's his responsibility, because even as his expression grows more determined and focused, he knows he's in too deep to back away from this now. So he doesn't pull away, forehead still practically pressed to Stahn's, hands still linked as they are, and... well, he doesn't have the words for this either, but he'll clear his throat and he'll try.]
I...understand. [He thinks he does, now. He thinks he gets it, finally. It took time, but... he understands now.] This is...
[... Don't leave him.]
I'll accept the consequences of my actions.
[Alternatively, he could really just say I LIKE YOU TOO STAHN but apparently that's not going to happen so this is the second best option. He'll accept the consequences of him deciding to continue holding Stahn's hands in the end. He made that choice. It is his choice.]
no subject
there's a certainty in leon's eyes that's present now, but that can be associated with just about anything when it comes to leon. it could be a request for space, or a refusal. it could be leon trying to shove everything back under the rug and calling him ridiculous once again. there's a lot of things it could be, and he's ready to brace himself for the worst... because he knows leon is capable of it.
but those words never come. no, the words he gets from leon that are accompanied by that determined expression are nothing of the sort. "i understand," "i'll accept the consequences of my actions." most people may need a leon-to-english dictionary, but stahn knows better. stahn knows... this isn't just any sort of acceptance. he's accepting the situation now, as they are. he's accepting stahn's belief in him. he's accepting stahn, despite how much he would say that he hated people like that. but he's accepting it.]
Leon... [he says it with a mixture of surprise and warmth; maybe he should have expected more of leon when the sentiments had already been acknowledged. but he couldn't help it when knowing how prone leon could be to pushing him away.
but he isn't, so as the shock fades, his expression is replaced with a wide, elated grin.
he happy. he's happy because leon isn't pushing him away. he's accepting all of this in earnest. for stahn, it means he'll work twice as hard to ensure that he doesn't let leon down, or make him regret that choice.]
I'll make sure you don't regret it. [he knows he can't say much else; he knows it'll embarrass leon to be too forward at a time like this. but it's okay, because he can grip leon's hands tightly, and he can close the gap to their foreheads are touching completely. he can smile and grin and convey his relief this way.
after all that's happened in this last while, he's shifted. stahn is shining brightly and happily like the sun. he doesn't know what will happen in the future, and he knows there's still so much to worry about. but he feels an overwhelming joy in his chest right now anyway, and he wants to share all of the warmth it provides with leon.
stahn won't leave him.
stahn won't give up on him.
and wordlessly, he does his best to express this with these small gestures; things he wouldn't have imagined doing even two hours ago are now his top priority for the moment. he's let leon make this choice, and now there's very little holding back.
"i like you, leon," remain the unspoken words here, but... he doesn't have to say it right now. will he? yes, but not in this moment, not when they're still trying to make sense of these new things. for now, his own response is probably enough to get the point across.]
no subject
How could anyone be cold, in a moment like that?
There's still a lot that needs to be understood, he knows that. He's not entirely sure what he agreed to or what this entails (while, at the same time, being perfectly aware of just what he's agreed to--it's an odd contrast), and he's not entirely sure what Stahn is expecting either.
But... it also doesn't matter. He knows Stahn. Just like before, Stahn is perfectly willing to step back and let Leon do what he needs to do, or give him the time to process and understand. He won't push. They'll... be okay.
Later, everything will come crashing back for Leon. Later, he'll realize that this is the end of their mission, and Stahn is still going to go home. He's still going to be alone, even if this is happening now. The end result is still the same. Later, he'll remember.
But right now, it's hard to think about things like that, or really anything else when Stahn looks so incredibly happy... a sort of all-encompassing happiness that Leon can only blink in response to, expression somewhat slack in his surprise. He's not sure what he was expecting in response to his words, really. Perhaps he should've expected this. But it isn't in his nature to think that something like that from someone like him could make someone like Stahn that exuberant.
Leon's lips part slightly as if to speak, but really, he's still stunned by the sheer amount of warmth here; he doesn't know what to say, especially not in response to something like "I'll make sure you don't regret it". All of the things Leon could say--well, they'd be harsh, and grim. Reminders that Stahn can't be sure of that. Reminders that there's no way for Stahn to do so for sure.
So... Leon doesn't speak. He doesn't allow any of those words to escape him. It's better this way, after all; sometimes, even Leon tires of negativity.
Sometimes, even Leon would rather just soak up the warmth, and feel the tension dissipate as easily as that, as though it had never existed in the first place. Sometimes... that much is okay, he thinks. So it's enough that he accepts what Stahn is saying, a soft breath escaping him as his shoulders slowly slump, and he doesn't pull away from Stahn properly pressing his forehead to Leon's, because at this point...the slow, steady progress of physical affection has allowed him to acclimate himself well enough and prepare himself enough that it's not surprising. It's not at all startling.
And... coming from Stahn, and expecting it as he is, it really doesn't bother him at all. Not any more, anyway.
Isn't it enough to relax, and accept the gestures that Stahn is trying so hard to give him?]
no subject
his elation is almost euphoric; there's something about leon accepting his affections for what they that almost seems to feed that energy directly to him. there's such a knowing that comes along with this—leon is acting according to his own wants right now. and to stahn? that's incredibly important.
he's always seen leon as strong. he's an amazing swordsman with a lot of talent, and he has a commanding enough nature to him that a good leader in battle needs. from the first time they crossed swords, stahn has always admired his talents. he's pushed to be friendly with leon ever since then because he knew there was probably a lot more to it than that, too. it turned out he was never wrong, either. even though leon is nothing short of harsh, there's always been more. vulnerabilities kept locked away, loneliness that was masked by adamance that he didn't want friends, a complete inability to admit positive feelings towards things he likes. stahn's seen all of that too, and he's been so determined to try and break past that—now that he has, how can he be anything but happy about it.
he's tried so hard in his persistence to never give up on leon, but all while still trying to respect his boundaries. he didn't push too far, he let leon win a lot of arguments just for the satisfaction, or not to hurt his pride. he never let up being himself in all his bright and sunny ways—a natural thing for stahn, but it did unintentionally serve as a way to prove his sincerity.
and now they're here like this.
now they're here, and stahn just wants to bottle the moment. he can feel warmth coming from leon too. that warmth shows itself in different ways, but he knows it's there, and he knows there's a level of sincerity to it that couldn't easily be matched. he knows, leon isn't pulling away. he knows from the soft breaths and the lack of a stern gaze from his eyes. he knows because his body is relaxed, because someone like leon, who doesn't ever welcome physical contact, isn't pushing him away. stahn knows these things, and he embraces them.
there's no telling what the future will hold. stahn can't say what will happen once they take care of greybaum. he can't say what will happen when the mission is over. neither of them knows what promises can be kept and what can't. but stahn will always do his damnedest to maintain it. it's all he can really convey in this state. he wants that much. he wants a situation where leon can rely on him, he wants a situation where separation is out of necessity, not out of want. he wants leon to be able to lean on him when things are tough, instead of trying so hard to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders alone.
he shouldn't have to, and stahn doesn't want that.
and that's why even in this moment of elation, he never gives up. he doesn't push—he doesn't want to take this moment and ruin in by pushing leon into an uncomfortable situation. stahn is fine like this, with this small and subtle affection and the silent reassurance that he's always going to be himself... which of course means never giving up on leon.
if he can share that and warm leon up just a little bit... that's enough, isn't it? that's all he needs from this.]
no subject
There's a sense of safeness that tells Leon that he doesn't have to be ready to lunge into action. He doesn't have to remain wary and tense like this. It's not as though Stahn--sunshine-y but fierce, determined, protective Stahn would ever let anything happen to him.
It's...strange. What a strange feeling. He has total, utter faith in that, at least. He knows for certain that Stahn will never allow it, and because of that, he really does feel safe here. (It must be because of that, right? Because of all of the times they have watched each other's backs in battle...?)
So he relaxes, shoulders slumped and eyes half-lidded, calm and still. If a monster somehow came through one of those windows, for the first time this entire journey, he wouldn't be ready for it. But... he wouldn't have to be, right? Isn't that what this feeling means? Someone else... would make sure that he's safe.
But even relaxed as he is, there's enough about this situation that he doesn't understand. He's not thinking quite as hard as Stahn, so a lot of Stahn's tension (which comes from Stahn understanding so much more about emotion than Leon does) doesn't really bleed over to him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it, though, which is why he looks up as best he's able (wow their faces are incredibly close like this, Leon does register that) to meet Stahn's gaze, and in a slightly hoarse tone (after effects of their emotional discussion, perhaps)--]
Stahn...?
[He breathes out quietly, and sounds entirely questioning.]
You are... [A brief pause; he muses over how to say this, as ever. Seems words like this will never come easy to Leon, even when he is this relaxed.] ...What is it?
[Of course he has no way of knowing that he's part of the reason that Stahn's this happy, even if you'd think it's an obvious conclusion to draw; Leon doesn't have the emotional understanding to figure out that this is all Stahn's wanted for him for such a long time. It's still new to him--it still feels like a discovery, so really, he's just trying to figure out why Stahn himself is so emotional right now (even though that's a Stahn Staple).
It's concern, pure and simple.]
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even with the worries that remain and linger, he can't find himself to be focused on it too much. that tension may remain because of just how much stahn wants for leon... but how can that really take the forefront when leon is opening himself a bit to so many things that stahn couldn't even have imagined possible for him?]
Eh? [his own response initially is... hard to put a real tone behind. it's confused, no doubt—but it comes more from the fact that he wasn't expecting the silence to be broken. but he listens to the rest of what leon has to say before doing much else.
he's... what? leon is asking him a question like this right now? maybe it's not so surprising—leon's definitely not the most competent on picking up on the way people feel. he has a lot of gifts, but interpersonal relationships isn't really one of them. that's where stahn excels, even if he doesn't necessarily view it that way.
but regardless, stahn takes a quiet moment to consider it. not because he doesn't know how to answer; it's because he wants to understand why leon is asking it at all. it isn't hard to figure out though, fortunately. leon's starved for this kind of attention, after all. the only affection he got was probably from chal's words, and... marian. marian was definitely a huge factor, but even stahn knows that their relationship was very different. there's not a lot of comparing the affections of someone like marian, who takes care of leon to... well, foreheads touching and hands being held in the quiet of an inn room. stahn's not totally oblivious to things like this.
right. this is new to him. this kind of warmth and closeness, this sort of breathing and the invigorating pound in his chest. some of it is new to stahn too, but he has a pretty inherent understanding of what it means... even if it took experiencing to really 'get' what other people meant when they said it existed. and now it's his responsibility to pass that sort of understanding along to leon.
so he pulls back, just slightly. it's barely enough to be alarming or seem like he's uncomfortable. but he wants to look at leon a little more directly, with just the right sort of focus. his eyes are full of warmth, and his smile probably says a lot without words, but he'll fill in those blanks anyway.]
I'm happy, Leon. [it's simple. it's a very simple explanation for the feeling. this is happy. it's content. it's warmth. it doesn't need a lot of words, and even if it did, stahn isn't the type to have all of that, so he keeps it as simple as he is.]
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But there's really no need to think it over that hard after all. Stahn pulls back just that little bit to meet his eyes, and Leon is helpless to do anything but look in his eyes, in a moment like this. In a time like this, there's no looking away.
And... it's rewarded.
He's happy. Stahn says he's happy, and he's smiling like that, and Leon can accept that. Somehow, that's so easy to accept, and he's not really sure why, except that it's Stahn and Stahn would never lie, and the atmosphere is so calm and warm and simple contentedness seeps in and--
--is he happy too?
Happiness is a bit too abstract a concept for him in general, but when he thinks back to those times when he was sincerely and truly happy... (Marian praising him, acknowledging him; Chal offering him his trust and his strength officially) then he can admit to himself that this is the same exact feeling.
...He really is happy too.
So he breathes out simply and quietly, slumping a little as he does, and while Stahn may still be looking at him, Leon's eyes slide shut. It's a lot to take in and a lot to acknowledge to accept that something like this could make him happy, honestly. He's still trying to cope with that. But... it's not bad, either.]
... I see. [His words are soft, and they don't give a lot into his thoughts, but the next ones probably do, a few moments later:] I understand.
[For someone like Leon, who is so bad at understanding emotion and feelings, especially ones like this...the fact that he understands is implication in and of itself that he feels that way too. It's... nice, he thinks. It's nice to feel happy, especially on a journey that he expected to be difficult from day one.
Maybe this is difficult in another way, but it's so warm that Leon can't bring himself to care. It's fine, if he gets burned like this--it's fine, because this sort of warmth is something he's never had before, and he can't give it up now that it's in his grasp.]
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he never seemed to understand when things were lighthearted; when they all laughed and joked around, he would scoff. he would say he didn't like people like them, that he couldn't understand it. but here and now, when they're sharing warmth... it's obvious.
leon understands. he understands, and he's happy too.
it may not be the exact same feeling, because stahn is used to embracing his happiness and his love and zest for people and the world around him. leon struggles with it but... that's why this is happening, right? because he can help leon to see the world through a different lens (no pun intended). he can do these things, and maybe nobody else can. stahn doesn't know that for sure, but he'd like to believe that it's him and the rest of their friends that led leon to even be able to reach that point. so it's okay.
he wants to see it through.]
Mm! [it's a pleased sound of acknowledgement that's followed up by his grin widening and shining brightly. he's happy. he's so, so happy right now.] That makes me happy too.
[just in case leon's not sure what's got him even more elated. it's fine, he's willing to walk leon through every emotion until he can understand all of them.]
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Why else would he think of Stahn and Marian in the same breath like that? Why else, if not because...
His heart skips a beat, because quite honestly, it's daunting. It's daunting to realize just like that, everything coming together just like that, and slowly, his breath catches. But he doesn't want to ruin the calm or quiet either. More than anything, that's what he wants to prevent.
(But how is he supposed to handle this? If Stahn is... that important to him? If, even so, there's a different sense to him than Marian, even, what does that mean? And if something as simple as Leon saying he understands is enough to make Stahn even happier, then...can he really keep this to himself?)
The self-preservation part of Leon, the part of him that tries to protect his honestly fragile heart (which is a large part of Leon) is telling him to not say a thing, or do a thing, or ruin this. Just... enjoy it as it is, and not be greedy, and not reach for more. But reaching for more is what he wants--
And when he looks at Stahn, eyes opening, searching for some sort of answer, he... honestly finds it. It's right there in that happy, shining grin, and that exuberant expression. It's there in the way that Stahn is still so close, their faces still so close together, and their fingers still intertwined. And when he thinks about it, it's always been there--in the way Stahn tried so hard to be his friend, to protect him, to talk with him, to learn more about him...
There's always been something there, hasn't there? And now...
With their final battle looming, and no guarantees following, Leon's going to follow his instincts. He's always been the sort to try to seize what he can and what he wants, even when the situation is difficult or tries to thwart him (or perhaps especially then). But the only thing thwarting him here is his own uncertainty, and he's not going to accept that at all. He's Leon Magnus, and what he wants...
...is to put to use all of the realizations he's just had, meeting Stahn's eyes entirely firmly as he lifts one of their intertwined set of hands, twisting his wrist to put his own hand on the bottom and, still without breaking eye contact, he brings the back of Stahn's hand high enough to be able to press his lips to it.
More than anything, he thinks that's a pretty reasonable way to demonstrate his own emotions and feelings, even if he doesn't always understand as well as everyone else. Sure, Stahn might have to walk him through some things, but this Leon understands just fine. It has always been the sort of feeling he's been chasing, for what feels like so long. Isn't it okay to consider that maybe... he found it?]
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he's been the one guiding and make this push the whole while; that's just how he is. stahn isn't shy about his own feelings, after all. it may have taken him until now to realize the full extent of his feelings for leon, but now that he recognizes it, he can't shy away. it's been like this for a long time, hasn't it? from the moment he felt enamored by leon's strength, through dealing with his closed-off nature and just doing his best to be a friend to be relied on... leon has always been incredibly important to him. from the start, he's always considered leon a friend worth protecting and pursuing new avenues with.
but here and now, he's come to realize that things aren't so simple. his feelings are much more than that, because being around leon even at his grumpiest... stahn is happy to be there for it. and the feeling that's been rising in his chest from the moment their hands touched until now only further proves it—leon is someone completely irreplaceable to him.
and that's why he's been fine like this. there isn't much that stahn expects from this after all. with their hands gently locked together and faces close enough that he can feel leon's breath... that's enough. it's more than enough, because he knows this isn't easy for leon, and the last thing he's wanted to do this whole time is make him uncomfortable. this isn't about pushing boundaries, it's a simple acknowledgment of feelings and wanting to share them—but also letting leon decide for himself what he wants and what he feels. that's not something he can force, after all. it's not something he'd want to, either.
so when he sees the barest shift in leon's expression, he's not sure what will come next. he looks... determined. but he looks satisfied in that determination too, as if whatever conclusion he's come to is certainly the right one for him. stahn is prepared to accept that, whatever it may be.
or at least, he thinks he is.
but there's a look of slight befuddlement in his eyes as leon lifts their hands, and then... well, it happens so fast that he can hardly believe it. but there's a warm softness—the feeling of leon's lips pressing lightly against the skin of the back of his hand, and stahn can hardly contain himself. the feeling in his chest is explosive, he almost feels as if his heart could come right out of his chest from how hard it's pounding. it takes a lot to embarrass stahn, and yet... somehow, leon has managed. the feeling is overwhelming enough to cause stahn's cheeks to flush a bright shade of pink.
it's a good thing, of course. but stahn didn't expect leon's acknowledgement of feelings to be anything like this at all. for leon, who is so adamant about keeping to himself, and even more adamant about avoiding physical contact, he thought just holding hands would be more than what he'd accept. so for a move like this—something others would consider tame—to come from leon, he knows... he knows how seriously leon is considering his feelings. and that more so than the gesture itself speaks volumes and warms stahn's heart even more.]
Leon... [his tone is a mixture of surprise and just pure, warm affection. he's beyond happy, he's beyond even elated—he's not sure what to call it, or if there's even a word for it. but he knows now, he knows now so much that he wants to embrace leon's feelings.
soon. he's still so shocked by the move that he doesn't know how else to respond, and he also can't help but to remain cautious about not pushing his boundaries. this had to be hard enough for leon, so he can't take things too far.
but he's happy.
he's so, so happy for this, perhaps more so than he could have ever anticipated.]
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Stahn had always wanted him to understand.
But here and now, Leon understands this, and now it's Stahn who's off-balance, and he's satisfied by that. Leon has never claimed to be a good person, after all. There's enough smugness in him to be pleased even by things that he probably shouldn't be.
Stahn's tone, though...
Leon wasn't sure if Stahn would reciprocate, ironically enough, despite how warm and attached he'd always acted--because Stahn was that way with everyone. He loved everyone, he cared for everyone, and...so Leon hadn't even considered it at all.
Whether Stahn would agree with this, whether he'd want this, whether he feels the same way in the end... Leon just didn't think about it when taking his actions. But there's undeniably so much warmth in Stahn's tone and words, and for a moment, Leon's silent, overwhelmed by it.
And then the embarrassment and sheepishness kicks in. He refuses to drop Stahn's hand, though he does look away somewhat, expression still fixed in that determined look--though now tinged with a hint of uncertainty, lending a certain mulishness to it. He won't say that what he's done is wrong no matter what happens, that much Leon has decided.]
I... have made my decision, and I don't intend to take it back.
[What he's done, what he just demonstrated... he can't take that back, and he won't. Quietly, he clears his throat.]
Naturally, that... is all I can do about the matter.
[He can't make Stahn's choice for him, even if Stahn was practically confessing to him before--well, he hasn't quite picked up on that, because Leon's not always the best at words. As Stahn had noted before... to Leon, words can be falsified, faked, or exaggerated. They're treacherous, and he doesn't always listen to them or believe in them. His confession was actions first, and then words, and for Stahn.... well, he'll wait until he has complete confirmation before he thinks any further on this.
But one thing he knows for certain is that he can never be ashamed of what he's chosen and what he feels--not now that he finally understands it, and it finally feels right.]
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this is truly a confession from leon; he's standing by his choice and his feelings. he's not shying away—even if he doesn't have the right words for it, he's still expressing it. but there's more, there's so much more. because he can see the slight hesitance in leon's eyes. he can see there are things he's unsure about. in a way, it's puzzling...
until he finishes his statement, and then it clicks for stahn.
he's waiting for confirmation. stahn can't help but to smile, to let out a small noise that is almost (but not quite) a chuckle. leave to leon to have not caught on already. despite everything stahn has said and done up to this moment, it's not enough for him to fully understand just how much stahn is embracing these feelings. it's... endearing, honestly. it's so very leon in a way, for him to not quite get just how deep his feelings are. for him to be uncertain that the affections he's receiving match the ones he seems to be willing to give. stahn realizes that it's his fault in a way—he's been extremely cautious since this began, after all. he couldn't help but to be that way, since he's trying so hard to not push leon to far, or to make him feel pressured in any way.
but here they are. they're here, and now that leon has made his decision, stahn realizes he needs to step up his own game. he's made his decision too, after all. he probably made it much longer ago than he even actively realizes... but there's no reason to hesitate now. he'll go on what he feels and ensure that leon can comprehend exactly where he stands on this matter. so reluctantly, he breaks the grip they've been holding all this while. but he's silent as he does so...
which is probably alarming, but it's not stahn's intent at all. because within seconds, stahn is hunching over a little. and wrapping his arms around leon; it's a tight, warm hug that encompasses all the affection he has to give. regardless of how leon would take that—he's not sure there's another gesture he could make to truly convey how strongly he feels about this short of something that would be pushing the limits more than this.
he's still being incredibly considerate of leon's comfort levels here.
but he rests his chin gently atop leon's head, and then adds a few words to further confirm it.]
I don't want you to take it back. Thank you, Leon... for your decision. ["thank you for accepting me, and accepting this." are words he doesn't say, because for all that stahn is good at with feelings... he's a bit nervous too. he's never done this before, after all.
besides, he's not sure leon would be comfortable with a statement so blunt right now. it could be overwhelming, right? this... this should be enough. stahn is perfectly happy this way, and even more so in knowing that leon isn't going to back down from this either.]
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It is what it is, and Leon will deal with the sinking, cold feeling in his chest--
And then he is engulfed in warmth instead.
Leon's honestly startled, though he manages to bite back any startled noises (it's a close call nonetheless); he finds his face pressed against Stahn's chest and Stahn's arms wrapped around him so snugly, and for a moment Leon's left with the confusion.
But what he does know is that this is incredibly warm, and incredibly comfortable, and even despite his confusion and surprise, there isn't a single moment in which Leon tenses up, even as Stahn brings them that much closer together. Granted, if Stahn could see his face there would still be a great deal of surprise on it, almost slack-jawed in nature, but thankfully that's not a thing, considering their position.
And then, to confirm it entirely... there are Stahn's words. Leon's quiet for a moment, just... letting them sink in. He can count on one hand the times he's been sincerely thanked for anything (not sarcastically, not to try to get into his good graces), and when it's over something like this... well, it feels good. It feels so good, and Leon's response is just a quiet, undeniably relieved sigh, even as he properly leans into this warm hug.
It's daunting in a lot of ways, of course. He doesn't entirely know what this means for them, except that they're treading utterly new ground for the both of them. Leon's not oblivious to the fact that Stahn is nervous too, after all--who wouldn't be at a moment like this? But all of that is so easy to put aside, because it's so warm like this... so comfortable, and he's so content.
He doesn't need anything more than this in this particular moment, and for once he's not thinking of the future. Only this, and how easy it is to lean into Stahn's arms and accept it. He's unaware of the smile on his face, small but warm and sincere, really, so it's a good thing said face is still buried in Stahn's chest.]
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he can feel leon's face buried in his chest, and even though stahn knows that means leon can probably hear and feel the rapid way his heart pounds in light of it all... he doesn't mind. he wants leon to feel that; he wants leon to know that the depths of his sincerity stretch far beyond the words and actions he can decide on consciously. he can't tell his heart to calm down during this, after all. it's not just the excitement of coming to a realization, or that they're in this position now. it's everything.
it's those things, but it's the fact that leon has, for all intents and purposes, confessed. it's the fact that leon isn't tensing up or pushing him away. it's the fact that they're sharing a warmth and trust that stahn had never expect would come to be.
even if there are things about this that make him nervous, there's nothing about this that doesn't make stahn completely happy. he's a person who has always been full of love to give, but this is a different sort of love. it's the kind of thing he dreamed of, that he hoped he would one day have, because... well, isn't that what a lot of people want? the warmth of family, or the warmth of someone you hold dear to you. being surrounded by the people you love, being able to embrace that person who you want to spend time with most.
sure, stahn is enamored by adventure, and he wants to experience the world. and sure, he loves the idea of heroics to a certain extent. but he's a simple country boy who doesn't really want much in the grand scheme of things. maybe the glory of heroicism would be nice, but... so would settling down and starting a family, even a makeshift family. his wants aren't very many at all in the big picture. and right now, he just wants to use this time to be around leon. to be with him and just... experience things. that experience for now is as simple as his embrace, one where his arms tighten a little more just fully grasp the sensation and warmth of leon in them. and it's as simple as him burying his face into leon's hair and just taking in every feeling that goes with that.
it's warm.
it's so warm, even for stahn who emits nothing but warmth all the time. in a sense, he wishes he'd realized it sooner, but he's also happy this comes at a time when leon is willing to accept these feelings—that's more important, after all.]
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