realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

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Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

[this is a catch-all for boyfriends

here's a list

- ice cream ✓
- seasickness
- stahn sacrifice ✓
- reunion: judas ✓
- taming stahn's hair ✓
- piggyback rides ✓
- just imagine
- family dinner
- why is there pow hammer
- possessive leon
- apologies
- post-barbatos afterlife meeting
- AND MORE]

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[Leon doesn't understand why this is so nice, really. It's comfortable, and it's warm, and the harder he thinks on it, the more confused he is. It's because it's Stahn, he knows that much. He may not be good at emotions, but he is aware enough to know that he would never be comfortable like this with anyone else.

What does that mean, though? About Stahn? About him?

Stahn's so carefully remaining quiet and calm--even Leon can tell that it's for him. Sort of like trying to not startle a wild animal, maybe... because even in his sleep, Stahn isn't still or calm, not like this. No, this is the sort of stillness that comes only from a large force of effort.

But even knowing that Stahn's doing it for him, it still succeeds in keeping Leon settled and calm. Strange, isn't it? He's not sure if he should be grumpy or not about being played that well, but... it's too comfortable. He's too calm. Why ruin it?

Instead, he keeps his eyes on the ceiling, and eventually he speaks, quiet but alert.]

I am not grateful for the things I have learned from you. [Implicit acknowledgement, nonetheless, that he has learned things from Stahn.] They will not be of any use to me in the future. I intend to return after this mission to my duty and continue as I did before.

[Friendship, and understanding people, and this warmth right here--when will that cause him anything but trouble in the future? He doesn't think it will. It can only possibly be trouble.

(Except... maybe not. Maybe he'll at least understand better--)]

So I do not intend to thank you in return.

[It's a bit of a mean thing to say, but it's said in the same quiet, calm tone as before. It's... acknowledgement, and a statement of fact, and a little bit, perhaps, of Leon trying to sort out his own feelings again. But even so, he's not moving his hand away, and he clearly doesn't intend to.]

[somewhere in stahn, somehow—he knows what leon is trying to do. he knows that leon is desperate to keep control of himself, that his pride doesn't allow for admission of the truth. even acknowledging that he learned anything at all from stahn was probably a colossal effort. but leon says those harsh words so easily, and does so while never making an attempt to move his hands away. for stahn... that's telling. it's telling that much like everything else, there's more to this than leon is willing to say out loud. he knows all of this, because this is simply the way leon is. for every topic he steamrolls past, stahn meets another wall. this one? this one he's crashing into almost unexpectedly.

stahn knows all of this but... still, it hurts a little. the sense of elation seems to flutter away as reality sinks in. this is still leon, after all. and while he appreciates the acknowledgement, he wishes that he could get through enough for leon to understand those things... they will be of use, because they're just necessary for a person to have. consideration, warmth, compassion, trust—someone can only get so far without those things.]

I wasn't looking for your thanks, Leon. [he says, and his tone is decidedly less peaceful as he's been. the smile has fallen from his lips again; he's not saying with words that leon's blunt refusal hurts... but his actions and tone might do that for him anyway.]

But if you've learned them, it's not so easy to forget once you know it, right? You don't just "forget" how to use your sword, or how to speak, or anything else. [these things... they become apart of you once you learn them. they shape people; stahn knows this. he could never forget how to lean on his friends, or how to show his gratitude when someone helps him. he could never forget how to be empathetic towards another person's situation, or how to be sad when something terrible happens.

can leon really just forget the ways he's changed when they all part ways? will he just... forget everyone and what's happened to continue one like he did in the past?

can he really do that?

stahn feels himself tensing at the thought; his whole body nearly recoils at the notion. still, his hand remains where it is, even if the tension in his body is more obvious by not moving it.

it's not as if stahn expects him to think about their group constantly. he wouldn't expect that of any of them when they have lives of their own to carry on. but they all seemed to treasure the time and their bonds, none of them would forget it. would leon really cast them aside so easily, as if nothing they had done together mattered a bit?]

[Ah, there it is. It's almost some sort of cruel satisfaction to get that out of Stahn--the tenseness, the frown, the lack of sunshine and smile. It's a cruel satisfaction, because it doesn't please him either; he doesn't like seeing Stahn like this, and he doesn't like the tense moment when he has to wait and see if he's finally said enough, if Stahn will finally stop trying--

(He doesn't want Stahn to stop trying, and he doesn't want Stahn to leave him alone, not anymore. But Leon doesn't know how else to act. All he knows is pushing and pushing and pushing, and he knows that eventually, Stahn will get fed up and leave.)

... But this time, like all of the previous times, it doesn't happen, and Stahn's hand remains where it is. But maybe because of his fears of just that, and maybe because Leon is getting worked up too, Leon's fingers have curled around Stahn's hand as if to keep it there, a subconscious gesture that he is far too worked up to notice.]

I can hardly just forget, so you don't have to worry about that. [Just as Stahn said--Leon will be stuck always remembering this. He has no other choice. It's going to stick with him forever, and it's going to be so hard. He's going to have to deal with people who give up, and people who leave, and journeys alone, and loneliness, and all because this buffoon was so determined to show him what it could be like without that.]

No, I will be stuck remembering this mission, regardless of what I would prefer!

[It's be easier if this had never happened.

It'd be easier if he didn't remember what contentedness felt like--something he just got a taste of a few moments before. Because now... now he knows so well that he didn't have it. And he won't have it again in the future. He's never going to get to travel with these strange, irritating, heartfelt people again. And he's never going to share a room at an inn with Stahn again, resting together like this, with the warmth of the fire to keep them company.]

Good. You should remember this.

[stahn says, and a bit of that hot-blooded fire burns in his voice. the hurt is obvious, though maybe now it's a for different reasons than it had been before leon's rebuttal.

he hears the words leon is saying—he hears a poorly uttered set of words that seem to say that it's a burden on him to remember these last couple of months. he hears words that indicate that he's going to actively try to forget because they've been a hassle for him. but that's not true.

stahn knows it's not true. he knows that, because if leon has learned anything from them... it means they're not a hassle to him. he wouldn't learn lessons from people who didn't care, because he wouldn't even take them into consideration to begin with. how can it be true when leon is gripping his hand as if to keep him from pulling away? no, he knows that leon has to care a lot, because if he didn't, he would have pulled away and ended the conversation. he would have called it ridiculous. he wouldn't have even allowed this to escalate in the first place.

he'd misunderstood where those hurtful words were directed. they weren't because leon didn't care and wanted for forget. they're because he cares—because he cares a lot, and he doesn't want to be hurt by it. because he doesn't want to keep living a lonely life, even though it's all he's ever known before. for a moment, stahn chides himself mentally for mixing that up. normally, he wouldn't have but the mix of things being so different along with the wheels in his own head turning to try and figure out what he feels left him a bit selfish for a moment.

no, he's definitely right about this. so he grips leon's hand tightly and turns to look at him. the intensity remains in his eyes, but it's less angry than a moment ago. he's determined now, determined to say the things that everyone seems to let slide, and the things leon always tries to walk away from before someone can say them.]

Don't forget, Leon. Don't forget that even if we're not on this mission, those things matter. What happened mattered. Even if we're separated, remember how many people care about you. Remember how many people would come to fight at your side if you ask them to. Remember who would miss you every day that you're not there with him. Remember all of us.

[not just stahn himself—but everyone. rutee, philia, mary, woodrow, chelsea, kongman, and even johnny. not just chaltier as his sword, but also dymlos, atwight and clemente. they're all important; they all care.]

You won't be alone, even if we're not there with you. When you fight... I'm always at your back to make sure you don't get it, Leon. I won't let it happen, no matter how far away I am. We're friends, no matter what you say... and I like that.

["and i like you," but the words get caught in his throat, because he's already said so much. he isn't afraid to say it, but he knows all of his thoughts are just spilling out in an attempt to force leon to realize that he's only hurting himself more by trying to refuse everything and everyone all the time.]

[Stahn is right about one thing--these are the words that Leon always tries to walk away from before anyone can say them to him. These are the words that Leon tries so hard to escape and avoid. These are the words, more than anything, that Leon doesn't want to hear.

They're words that he's not ready to deal with.

They're words that undermine everything he's known to be true. He never had this. He never had people who thought that he mattered in this way, and who would come and fight at his side if... he needed them. No, that's...

He can't accept that. That's ridiculous. Stahn says that, but Stahn doesn't know. They'll go their separate ways, and Leon will call on them and like so many people before, they will no longer be there. And then what? Leon will look and feel the fool because he was stupid enough to trust. No, he can't handle that thought at all, and despite their calm and comfortable position, he sits up abruptly, staring down at Stahn--

(But he doesn't pull his hand away from Stahn's grasp, either.)]

You-- the things you say, and the things you believe-- [They're so foreign to him. They're, in some ways, so outside of his grasp.] --I can't believe them.

[It's not that he won't. It isn't that he doesn't want to. It's that he can't. He may only be 16, but he's lived in a world different from Stahn's, and there are things that he knows that make this impossible.]

So... just leave it alone. Leave me be. [A short breath, and what little fire he'd possessed goes out of him, and he looks away, huddling in on himself somewhat, hair hiding the expression on his face.

And still, he doesn't pull his hand away. It's a lifeline, and it's a lifeline to all of those things that Leon can't allow himself to believe--but that he can't give up, either. He's someone who has absolutely been burned... and yet who is freezing, and finds himself drawn back towards the fire anyway.]

Just... stop meddling, Stahn. Enough already.

Then don't believe in the words.

[words are just words. maybe they don't mean anything at all. anyone can say words, and it's not like he can blame leon for not wanting to take someone's words at face value, no matter how sincere they may be. he was surrounded by people who he didn't trust, and people who didn't trust him either...

so wasn't it just natural for leon to feel that way about words? maybe they were meaningless. was it ever his words that got through to leon? or was it just his actions? his sincerity? something had gotten through to him somewhere along the way.

it was never his words, unless the words were part of sincere gestures.

it had been the fact that he never gave up even when leon wanted him to stop talking. it's the fact that he would talk to every person they met in every town. it was that he'd make sure they were okay and safe, and that he'd listen to whatever they had to say, even if it slowed them up in getting information. it was looking out for the team and always being prepared. right. maybe he's been going about this wrong all along. maybe all this time, it really never should have been the words that mattered.

how often did leon's words matter? he often said things he didn't mean, things that were vaguely derisive yet masked compliments. things that seemed dismissive but were full of contemplation.

right.

right.

this isn't about words.

so stahn finds himself sitting up, contorting himself in a way that he can do so without letting go of leon's hand. that's the last thing he wants to do right now. it's a bit awkward to do so, but he finds a way, and then moves closer to leon. he's determined now, full of fire and conviction.

he can't give up on leon, no matter what. stahn straightens his back and looks directly at leon, and what follows are words that are equal parts determined and soft; there's a strangely gentle way he manages to approach it while still be firm.]

Believe in me... believe in the fact that I say them because I mean it. [maybe leon can't believe in what stahn says and believes, but can he at least believe in stahn?]

[Leon is sure that that will have done it. Stahn will take it this time. This time, Stahn will stop, and he will give up and leave Leon alone.

(When has that ever happened? When has Stahn ever given up on him? The answer is never, and Leon knows it.)

So he can feel his heart beating in his throat when Stahn sits up as well, but... what escapes him isn't any condemnation at all. There's no scorn or condemnation for Leon not being able to be like the rest of them. They make it seem so easy, trusting people and each other, being friends, acting like that. They make it seem so easy that Leon's sure it's impossible for them to understand just how incapable he is. Even if he wanted to... he can't. He just can't.

But Stahn doesn't. As ever... he doesn't condemn. He doesn't give up. He doesn't even get angry at Leon or blame him or any of the reactions that would probably be entirely reasonably at this point, because Leon knows that he ruined their quiet moment, just like he ruins so many things, and--

And instead, Stahn meets his eyes firmly, and patiently, and gently, and Leon swallows automatically, stunned. He's not sure how to take this moment, or what, exactly, it means, but... even for him, he knows this is something important. This is a serious, important moment, and the determination on Stahn's face, and the warmth of his hand are things that Leon can't ignore.

Believe in... Stahn? It's so frustrating. He can't say something like that. He can't say "I believe in you"--it's foreign to his nature. He doesn't know how to say things like that.]

... I... [His breath catches, because there's something about this moment that is undeniably overwhelming. Stahn... for whatever reason, Stahn is still here, not giving up on him, never giving up on him, and instead asking of him such a deep, impossible request.

And Leon's shoulders slump, head bowing slightly.]

You are...ridiculous.

[Stahn is so ridiculous. Everything about this request--it's ridiculous. Because--]

Don't ask for what I already-- [...] --You are asking for the most unnecessary and ridiculous things, as ever.

[--because he's already given Stahn that. He trusts him... and he has for awhile. It can't be taken back now. And being confronted with it like this... it's frightening. Leon has always held people at arm's length, because that has always been the only way to protect himself.

But he can't. He's already failed, here, and he's vulnerable now, and there's not a damned thing he can do about it.]

I'm not ridiculous. I'm just me.

[okay, so maybe he is a little ridiculous, but that's part of who he is. but still when he says those words, there's a little more light in stahn's eyes. it's just a quiet reminder that he does these things because he's himself, because he's stahn aileron.

and maybe he's a little lighter because even if he backpedaled a bit on his words, he knows what leon is trying to say. it's ridiculous to ask that question, because he believes in stahn. that's what he's trying to say, and that's enough. it's enough for stahn, because he understands the implication of that. and he understands how hard this has to be for leon.]

I don't need you to say it, Leon. [he doesn't need that. he doesn't need leon to stretch that far outside of his comfort zone.

the words themselves don't matter, right? so he's soft in what he says now. it's more assuring, because he knows it isn't easy. because he knows he's probably asking too much of leon. there's just so much that stahn wants to convey though. he's just... he's not really sure how to either. so all he can do is just carry on and be himself.]

But if you do, then... [then what? believe his words? take everything he says as the truth? stop pushing him away so much? stop trying to keep him at arm's length when he doesn't want to?

stahn doesn't know how to follow that statement up. he's not good at this either—things like words. things like really knowing how to bring comfort to someone else who comes from a situation he can hardly even fathom?

he draws in a quiet breath, looking at leon with a gentle expression. is warm—like stahn always is. he reaches for leon's other hand too, because... well, he doesn't know. it just seems like the right thing to do right now. he doesn't need leon's words, but he needs something else right now, but it's something he thinks he may have to put forth first.]

Remember what I said already. You won't be alone, even if I'm not there. And when you need me to be there, I'll find a way. [it's the only kind of comfort and assurance he can bring leon. and maybe it's unnecessary. maybe it's ridiculous, but he wants to say it. he wants to drill it into leon's head how much he means it.

it's not as if he wants these things to end either. stahn hates knowing that when this mission is over, everyone will go their separate ways, and he won't get to see them unless they make an effort, or things work out, or something goes wrong. it weighs on his mind too, but rather than feel abandoned, it's just lonely.

he'll say the things leon can't, and he'll put forth the effort that leon won't, so long as he can stop pushing it away actively.

there's more he should say, or maybe some way to offset how strange this conversation is, but stahn refrains. right now he's being very raw, very honest... with himself and with leon, in a way that surprises even himself. but it's also something stahn feels strongly enough about not to hesitate.

leon may feel vulnerable, but stahn does too—this is new territory in every respect.]

That's what friends do.

[Sitting like this, with both of his hands in Stahn's own (and when did that happen, when did they end up sitting like this?) and meeting each other's eyes like this? There's a sort of tension in the air that Leon doesn't understand--it isn't their usually sort of argumentative tension, but something else entirely. Leon's not equipped to process it, not really, but... it makes it hard to breathe, and leaves his heart beating fast.

Of course, the words are... they're ridiculous and nonsensical. He won't be alone? He will be alone. Stahn will be there when he needs him? There's no way. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. He can't--

But he does.

He believes it. When it comes from Stahn like this, in this moment, in the position they're in... he believes all of it.

And it's terrifying. Is this what faith in someone feels like? It feels like Stahn is asking him to take such an enormous risk, and yet... because it's Stahn, Leon feels like he's willing to do it, and isn't that what's scariest of all? Ultimately, Leon can only look away, finding Stahn's gaze to be too much to handle, fingers tightening on Stahn's hands not out of some sort of affection, but more out of something like fear. In this case, Stahn is a lifeline, and Leon can't let go.]

I don't... [He breathes out, a slow, shaky breath.] I don't want this.

[That's what he says, but--it's said weakly, because he knows it's too late. He may not have wanted it, but this is what he has now, and there's no going back.]

[the fear is obvious; stahn isn't so oblivious as to not realize that much. even though he can feel leon's grip tighten, there's a tension to it that indictaes something so much more than simply embracing it.

it feels contradictory to leon's words. he says he doesn't want this, but he holds on so tightly that stahn knows it isn't true. he can't believe in something like that, and he won't accept it, either. it's tiring, having leon push him away all the time when it's clear he's doing it because of his own inability to accept things.

stahn may be patient. he may be kind and understanding, and he may not try to force things on leon, but he has limits too. he'd never press if he knew this is something leon didn't really want from him, and that's why he takes this so slow and tries to ease him into every change that can possibly be made. but that doesn't mean he'll let things slide, or that he'll actively let leon refuse him. it's still a delicate situation, but things are coming to the point where nothing can really be denied—there's a lot more to what they're experiencing right now than can ever be put into words.]

Then let go. [what?] If you don't want this, you can let go.

[but the reason he says this is because he knows leon doesn't want to. even if he lets go, he's lying—stahn honestly believes that. but he'll always respect leon's needs, so if he does loosen his grip and pull back, he'll just... find a new way to do it, one that doesn't overwhelm leon's sensibilities.] But I'm not going to do it first. I'm not going to let go, Leon.

[he just can't do it. he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to let go of leon at all.]

[It's a flat out challenge.

Stahn looks at him, and he tells him flat out to let go. And it's... hard. Leon knows that that's what he should do. He should just let go, and give up on this, and tell Stahn to leave him alone. He should remain alone, and stop being tempted by this oh-so-pretty picture that Stahn is offering him--

The picture that he will have a friend, a friend who will always be there for him, and a friend who will never leave him behind. That he won't be lonely, that he'll have support and backup. All of these things that--

That he knows can't possibly be true.

And even so, he can't let go. His fingers twitch and his expression, for a moment, is sincerely panicked. He doesn't want this, and he doesn't want to let go. What does he want right now? He doesn't know, but Stahn's hands are warm, and so is his expression, even if he's issuing Leon this challenge. And Leon tenses, as though to finally pull away, as though he's finally giving in and then--

He doesn't.

His shoulders slump, and he looks away with a bitter twist to his lips, but he also doesn't pull his hands away, because more than anything, he doesn't want to. It's strange. Stahn's hands are still so warm, but somehow he feels like right now, he lost.]

[in that moment where it really feels leon may pull away, there's a small panic that rises in his chest. even those he'd been the one who issued the challenge, and even if he knew that wouldn't necessarily mean his efforts were being totally refused...

it's not what stahn wants at all. because he wants leon to understand where he's coming from, and because he wants leon to accept his friendship (as if that's all it is), he doesn't want to have to work harder to earn that. leon clearly trusts him and believes in him—so him pulling away just seems counter-intuitive.

...but leon doesn't actually pull away and all, and the sigh of relief that comes with it is audible. it's as if stahn is letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding. in doing do, his heart feels like it's pounding so hard in his chest that it may just burst from his ribcage. he's relieved. he's so relieved. and even if it comes from just a bit of leon's defeat in being unable to resist it.]

See? [that's all stahn says, and he does so with a weak smile all his own. it's full of warmth and relief, but there's still a nervous tension to it, as if whatever they've accomplished in these last few minutes could slip away so easily. probably because they could, even if it's clear that the trust and warmth he wants to share is being accepted in some strange way. but he doesn't say anything else, not even the "i knew you didn't mean it," that sits on his mind. there's a thought about how he wishes leon could be honest with his words too, but that remains unspoken too.

instead, his own head dips a little, in turn allowing some of his disheveled hair to fall in face. the smile is still on his lips, but there's still something more to it. that relief, that warmth is so overwhelming even for stahn—he's just not sure what to do with any of these sensations either aside from squeezing leon's hands affectionately. gentle and assuring, almost as if he's silently thanking leon for not pushing him away this time.]

Don't.

[Leon aims for a sharp tone, but really what he ends up with is something closer to pleading. Don't point it out. Don't point out how much he failed, how thoroughly he's lost. Because even if Leon still appreciates the warmth of Stahn's hands with his, the majority of him still feels as though he's been defeated in some way, and that is never something Leon has taken well.

So don't--please don't point it out. He can only handle so much of this.

Because when you strip away all of that, everything that Stahn has been pulling away bit by bit--all of the arrogance, all of the coldness, all of the attempts to keep people away--what's left is little more than a lonely, isolated teenage boy who doesn't know how to interact with people in any other way.

Right here and now, he doesn't know what he's doing.

But Stahn is holding his hands with such affection, and it's the sort of warmth that Leon has felt himself being drawn to more and more... so even as he bows his head in what can only be acknowledgement of his defeat, he's soaking in that warmth from Stahn's gestures. Even as his shoulders are tense, he's still holding on as though they're his lifeline.

Because really, the only thing he has to count on or depend on right now is...Stahn.

Right.

[he says the solitary word in just above a whisper, a quiet acknowledgement of what's being said.

this is hard for leon, isn't it? stahn has pushed his boundaries so far and led him into a situation where he's dealing with the unfamiliar. it's not something leon like to do, and clearly, he's not entirely sure or comfortable with the whole thing.

of course, stahn never intended things to take this turn; the fact that it has continues to be just as surprising for him. if stahn is this surprised by it, how can he expect leon to handle it any better? he's been stomping on leon's pride this whole time by pushing those boundaries. he realizes this, if even if came with leon also realizing how important what stahn's been trying to convey really is.]

Sorry. [even though it's a word of apology, it's clear he doesn't just mean it to say that he's sorry. it also says that he understands; that he won't push that issue anymore and he'll let leon come to terms with... whatever this is on his own time. stahn can respect that, he can wait however long he needs to. they've come this far; he knows there isn't any turning back from this now.

whatever this is, exactly. he doesn't have a word for anything he's feeling right now.

but his own head remains dipped—stahn doesn't realize that leon has bowed his head, so when he leans forward a bit, he doesn't expect to end with his head grazing leon's. probably something else to apologize for, but he stays quiet, with his hands gripped tightly to leon's and waits for... whatever may come next. some kind of response, or acknowledgement. something.]

Edited 2015-12-13 03:34 (UTC)

[There probably should be something. Some sort of explosion. Some sort of backing up. Something. But Leon is exhausted at this point. Their brief moment of respite before feels like it's been entirely undone now by the tension in the air, and the way that all of this has come crashing down on the both of them. It's emotional, heavily so, and Leon doesn't know how to handle it.

So even though some of the tenseness eases out of his shoulders when Stahn apologizes, metaphorically backing up and giving Leon some space to deal with things, he's still utterly exhausted. It feels, in a way, as though he just went through some incredibly difficult battle somehow, even though it's obvious that he has not.

It's strange. He still doesn't know what to make of it.

Either way, because of that, when Stahn's head brushes against his own, Leon tenses up, but he doesn't pull away. He's just... too tired to do so now. He's too tired to kick up a fuss. Especially after he caved to Stahn, and practically admitted that he'd rather be close to Stahn instead of further away--

(He doesn't want to be far away right now.)

So instead, he just... lifts his head ever so slightly, trying to pick up his gaze to see Stahn's expression, if nothing else. So much has happened that he feels... well, lost. Maybe Stahn will have a clue about what's going on here, and then Leon can take his cues from there.

(He wasn't really expecting their faces to be this close together, though, and he freezes instead.)]

[it takes stahn a moment to work himself up to looking at leon; it's not as if he's nervous or ashamed of what happened. stahn's too much of an idiot for that, because he never has any shame in showing just how much he cares for the people around him, and that naturally includes leon.

but he doesn't want to overstep his boundaries any further. stahn wants to give him a chance to figure out how he feels on his own, without forcing answers from leon. these are conclusions he needs to come to on his own... stahn may have guided him this far in an effort to showcase his own intent (or whatever it could be called), but that's as far as he can go. he can't do all the work for leon, because leon needs to be able to decide these things for himself without regret. stahn may understand his own feelings to some degree, but knowing what to do about them when they've clicked so suddenly and doing so without alienating leon... that's harder.

so he's slow to lift his head, and when he does? his breath hitches slightly. he wasn't expecting that leon would look at him with pleading eyes, with an expression that seems to be searching for something. it startles him a bit, and it makes his heart race even faster.

(seriously, it feels like it could burst.)

stahn doesn't look away though; his own eyes are searching leon's for... something. something he can't even say he knows. but he wants to look at his friend, he wants to see things as they are, and maybe if he can convey that his intent to stay close isn't fleeting, that maybe leon will begin to understand what he wants out of this situation. for himself, stahn knows that he just doesn't want to be apart from leon; he feels like there's a bond there that's too strong, and that something bad will happen if he isn't there to be his support. going back to darilsheid and being around hugo... it feels bad and foreboding somehow, even if he doesn't have any conscious reason to believe it.

maybe stahn's own eyes are pleading a bit too, like a puppy seeking acceptance. but he remains silent, breaths shallow as he tries to calm the way everything in his body seems like it'll just explode.

(when did it get like this? when did it go from just wanting to be near his friend to feeling like everything will be too painful when this all over? and why won't that foreboding air stop tugging at his mind?)]

[It's harder when he meets Stahn's eyes.

Meeting Stahn's eyes when they're so pleading, pleading for something... well, it's not like Leon doesn't know what he's looking for. He's not good at emotions, but he's not oblivious either. There's something here that goes beyond the feelings he has for the rest of the party, and while he doesn't know what that means, he does know that Stahn's... looking to see if he does feel the same. He's looking for some sort of...acceptance, perhaps, without pushing it on Leon, and Leon...

Slowly, shakily, he breathes out, and he doesn't look away. No, in this he refuses to look away. Stahn is trying to give him the space he needs without actually pulling away, and it's that that really convinces Leon--

This is... not a bad thing. This sort of thing...he may still be frightened of it, and he may still not know how to deal with it, but that doesn't make it bad. If it's Stahn, only if it's Stahn, then... it's okay, isn't it? Because Stahn is everything that's straightforward in the world. Stahn doesn't have ulterior motives. Stahn wants to help people, and look out for his friends, and be there for...for everyone.

But also for him.

And Leon swallows, but he can't look away, even as his expression solidifies into something just a little more certain. He doesn't know what will happen in the future. Perhaps in the end this will go terribly, and Stahn won't actually uphold his end of the deal. Perhaps if he needs him, Stahn won't be there.

He'll accept that, then, as his due for accepting this. Now it's his responsibility, because even as his expression grows more determined and focused, he knows he's in too deep to back away from this now. So he doesn't pull away, forehead still practically pressed to Stahn's, hands still linked as they are, and... well, he doesn't have the words for this either, but he'll clear his throat and he'll try.]

I...understand. [He thinks he does, now. He thinks he gets it, finally. It took time, but... he understands now.] This is...

[... Don't leave him.]

I'll accept the consequences of my actions.

[Alternatively, he could really just say I LIKE YOU TOO STAHN but apparently that's not going to happen so this is the second best option. He'll accept the consequences of him deciding to continue holding Stahn's hands in the end. He made that choice. It is his choice.]

[the silence at first is almost paralyzing, and when leon finally breaks it... stahn isn't sure what kind of response he's going to get.

there's a certainty in leon's eyes that's present now, but that can be associated with just about anything when it comes to leon. it could be a request for space, or a refusal. it could be leon trying to shove everything back under the rug and calling him ridiculous once again. there's a lot of things it could be, and he's ready to brace himself for the worst... because he knows leon is capable of it.

but those words never come. no, the words he gets from leon that are accompanied by that determined expression are nothing of the sort. "i understand," "i'll accept the consequences of my actions." most people may need a leon-to-english dictionary, but stahn knows better. stahn knows... this isn't just any sort of acceptance. he's accepting the situation now, as they are. he's accepting stahn's belief in him. he's accepting stahn, despite how much he would say that he hated people like that. but he's accepting it.]

Leon... [he says it with a mixture of surprise and warmth; maybe he should have expected more of leon when the sentiments had already been acknowledged. but he couldn't help it when knowing how prone leon could be to pushing him away.

but he isn't, so as the shock fades, his expression is replaced with a wide, elated grin.

he happy. he's happy because leon isn't pushing him away. he's accepting all of this in earnest. for stahn, it means he'll work twice as hard to ensure that he doesn't let leon down, or make him regret that choice.]

I'll make sure you don't regret it. [he knows he can't say much else; he knows it'll embarrass leon to be too forward at a time like this. but it's okay, because he can grip leon's hands tightly, and he can close the gap to their foreheads are touching completely. he can smile and grin and convey his relief this way.

after all that's happened in this last while, he's shifted. stahn is shining brightly and happily like the sun. he doesn't know what will happen in the future, and he knows there's still so much to worry about. but he feels an overwhelming joy in his chest right now anyway, and he wants to share all of the warmth it provides with leon.

stahn won't leave him.

stahn won't give up on him.

and wordlessly, he does his best to express this with these small gestures; things he wouldn't have imagined doing even two hours ago are now his top priority for the moment. he's let leon make this choice, and now there's very little holding back.

"i like you, leon," remain the unspoken words here, but... he doesn't have to say it right now. will he? yes, but not in this moment, not when they're still trying to make sense of these new things. for now, his own response is probably enough to get the point across.]

[The first thought Leon has, with Stahn beaming like this and holding his hands so tightly and pressing even closer, is that it's incredibly warm to sit here like this. The fire at their side, the warmth of Stahn's expression and smile, and...well, it's a little like holding the attention of the sun. He has the warmth of the sun's shine focused entirely on him at this moment, and...

How could anyone be cold, in a moment like that?

There's still a lot that needs to be understood, he knows that. He's not entirely sure what he agreed to or what this entails (while, at the same time, being perfectly aware of just what he's agreed to--it's an odd contrast), and he's not entirely sure what Stahn is expecting either.

But... it also doesn't matter. He knows Stahn. Just like before, Stahn is perfectly willing to step back and let Leon do what he needs to do, or give him the time to process and understand. He won't push. They'll... be okay.

Later, everything will come crashing back for Leon. Later, he'll realize that this is the end of their mission, and Stahn is still going to go home. He's still going to be alone, even if this is happening now. The end result is still the same. Later, he'll remember.

But right now, it's hard to think about things like that, or really anything else when Stahn looks so incredibly happy... a sort of all-encompassing happiness that Leon can only blink in response to, expression somewhat slack in his surprise. He's not sure what he was expecting in response to his words, really. Perhaps he should've expected this. But it isn't in his nature to think that something like that from someone like him could make someone like Stahn that exuberant.

Leon's lips part slightly as if to speak, but really, he's still stunned by the sheer amount of warmth here; he doesn't know what to say, especially not in response to something like "I'll make sure you don't regret it". All of the things Leon could say--well, they'd be harsh, and grim. Reminders that Stahn can't be sure of that. Reminders that there's no way for Stahn to do so for sure.

So... Leon doesn't speak. He doesn't allow any of those words to escape him. It's better this way, after all; sometimes, even Leon tires of negativity.

Sometimes, even Leon would rather just soak up the warmth, and feel the tension dissipate as easily as that, as though it had never existed in the first place. Sometimes... that much is okay, he thinks. So it's enough that he accepts what Stahn is saying, a soft breath escaping him as his shoulders slowly slump, and he doesn't pull away from Stahn properly pressing his forehead to Leon's, because at this point...the slow, steady progress of physical affection has allowed him to acclimate himself well enough and prepare himself enough that it's not surprising. It's not at all startling.

And... coming from Stahn, and expecting it as he is, it really doesn't bother him at all. Not any more, anyway.

Isn't it enough to relax, and accept the gestures that Stahn is trying so hard to give him?]

[it's absolutely enough. really, it's all stahn needs at all.

his elation is almost euphoric; there's something about leon accepting his affections for what they that almost seems to feed that energy directly to him. there's such a knowing that comes along with this—leon is acting according to his own wants right now. and to stahn? that's incredibly important.

he's always seen leon as strong. he's an amazing swordsman with a lot of talent, and he has a commanding enough nature to him that a good leader in battle needs. from the first time they crossed swords, stahn has always admired his talents. he's pushed to be friendly with leon ever since then because he knew there was probably a lot more to it than that, too. it turned out he was never wrong, either. even though leon is nothing short of harsh, there's always been more. vulnerabilities kept locked away, loneliness that was masked by adamance that he didn't want friends, a complete inability to admit positive feelings towards things he likes. stahn's seen all of that too, and he's been so determined to try and break past that—now that he has, how can he be anything but happy about it.

he's tried so hard in his persistence to never give up on leon, but all while still trying to respect his boundaries. he didn't push too far, he let leon win a lot of arguments just for the satisfaction, or not to hurt his pride. he never let up being himself in all his bright and sunny ways—a natural thing for stahn, but it did unintentionally serve as a way to prove his sincerity.

and now they're here like this.

now they're here, and stahn just wants to bottle the moment. he can feel warmth coming from leon too. that warmth shows itself in different ways, but he knows it's there, and he knows there's a level of sincerity to it that couldn't easily be matched. he knows, leon isn't pulling away. he knows from the soft breaths and the lack of a stern gaze from his eyes. he knows because his body is relaxed, because someone like leon, who doesn't ever welcome physical contact, isn't pushing him away. stahn knows these things, and he embraces them.

there's no telling what the future will hold. stahn can't say what will happen once they take care of greybaum. he can't say what will happen when the mission is over. neither of them knows what promises can be kept and what can't. but stahn will always do his damnedest to maintain it. it's all he can really convey in this state. he wants that much. he wants a situation where leon can rely on him, he wants a situation where separation is out of necessity, not out of want. he wants leon to be able to lean on him when things are tough, instead of trying so hard to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders alone.

he shouldn't have to, and stahn doesn't want that.

and that's why even in this moment of elation, he never gives up. he doesn't push—he doesn't want to take this moment and ruin in by pushing leon into an uncomfortable situation. stahn is fine like this, with this small and subtle affection and the silent reassurance that he's always going to be himself... which of course means never giving up on leon.

if he can share that and warm leon up just a little bit... that's enough, isn't it? that's all he needs from this.]

[It's enough. It's enough and inch by inch, bit by bit, Leon relaxes. He relaxes even beyond the point of his typical state of calm; even then, he's usually tensed to the point of being able to spring into action when need be. But right now... with Stahn right here, forehead pressed to his, and with their hands interlocked...

There's a sense of safeness that tells Leon that he doesn't have to be ready to lunge into action. He doesn't have to remain wary and tense like this. It's not as though Stahn--sunshine-y but fierce, determined, protective Stahn would ever let anything happen to him.

It's...strange. What a strange feeling. He has total, utter faith in that, at least. He knows for certain that Stahn will never allow it, and because of that, he really does feel safe here. (It must be because of that, right? Because of all of the times they have watched each other's backs in battle...?)

So he relaxes, shoulders slumped and eyes half-lidded, calm and still. If a monster somehow came through one of those windows, for the first time this entire journey, he wouldn't be ready for it. But... he wouldn't have to be, right? Isn't that what this feeling means? Someone else... would make sure that he's safe.

But even relaxed as he is, there's enough about this situation that he doesn't understand. He's not thinking quite as hard as Stahn, so a lot of Stahn's tension (which comes from Stahn understanding so much more about emotion than Leon does) doesn't really bleed over to him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it, though, which is why he looks up as best he's able (wow their faces are incredibly close like this, Leon does register that) to meet Stahn's gaze, and in a slightly hoarse tone (after effects of their emotional discussion, perhaps)--]

Stahn...?

[He breathes out quietly, and sounds entirely questioning.]

You are... [A brief pause; he muses over how to say this, as ever. Seems words like this will never come easy to Leon, even when he is this relaxed.] ...What is it?

[Of course he has no way of knowing that he's part of the reason that Stahn's this happy, even if you'd think it's an obvious conclusion to draw; Leon doesn't have the emotional understanding to figure out that this is all Stahn's wanted for him for such a long time. It's still new to him--it still feels like a discovery, so really, he's just trying to figure out why Stahn himself is so emotional right now (even though that's a Stahn Staple).

It's concern, pure and simple.]

[the feeling of calm is an infectious one—not that stahn is really ever one to need help in relaxing. but for leon to relax in this way, for him to be so calm and near-peaceful sets a different sort of peace within him than usual.

even with the worries that remain and linger, he can't find himself to be focused on it too much. that tension may remain because of just how much stahn wants for leon... but how can that really take the forefront when leon is opening himself a bit to so many things that stahn couldn't even have imagined possible for him?]

Eh? [his own response initially is... hard to put a real tone behind. it's confused, no doubt—but it comes more from the fact that he wasn't expecting the silence to be broken. but he listens to the rest of what leon has to say before doing much else.

he's... what? leon is asking him a question like this right now? maybe it's not so surprising—leon's definitely not the most competent on picking up on the way people feel. he has a lot of gifts, but interpersonal relationships isn't really one of them. that's where stahn excels, even if he doesn't necessarily view it that way.

but regardless, stahn takes a quiet moment to consider it. not because he doesn't know how to answer; it's because he wants to understand why leon is asking it at all. it isn't hard to figure out though, fortunately. leon's starved for this kind of attention, after all. the only affection he got was probably from chal's words, and... marian. marian was definitely a huge factor, but even stahn knows that their relationship was very different. there's not a lot of comparing the affections of someone like marian, who takes care of leon to... well, foreheads touching and hands being held in the quiet of an inn room. stahn's not totally oblivious to things like this.

right. this is new to him. this kind of warmth and closeness, this sort of breathing and the invigorating pound in his chest. some of it is new to stahn too, but he has a pretty inherent understanding of what it means... even if it took experiencing to really 'get' what other people meant when they said it existed. and now it's his responsibility to pass that sort of understanding along to leon.

so he pulls back, just slightly. it's barely enough to be alarming or seem like he's uncomfortable. but he wants to look at leon a little more directly, with just the right sort of focus. his eyes are full of warmth, and his smile probably says a lot without words, but he'll fill in those blanks anyway.]

I'm happy, Leon. [it's simple. it's a very simple explanation for the feeling. this is happy. it's content. it's warmth. it doesn't need a lot of words, and even if it did, stahn isn't the type to have all of that, so he keeps it as simple as he is.]

[It's true--there's a lot about the situation that Leon hasn't grasped yet. Their positions are close and warm and affectionate, so purely affectionate, but he still has no idea if this is... right. If this is what Stahn wants, entirely. If this is enough for him, or if there's more, or if...

But there's really no need to think it over that hard after all. Stahn pulls back just that little bit to meet his eyes, and Leon is helpless to do anything but look in his eyes, in a moment like this. In a time like this, there's no looking away.

And... it's rewarded.

He's happy. Stahn says he's happy, and he's smiling like that, and Leon can accept that. Somehow, that's so easy to accept, and he's not really sure why, except that it's Stahn and Stahn would never lie, and the atmosphere is so calm and warm and simple contentedness seeps in and--

--is he happy too?

Happiness is a bit too abstract a concept for him in general, but when he thinks back to those times when he was sincerely and truly happy... (Marian praising him, acknowledging him; Chal offering him his trust and his strength officially) then he can admit to himself that this is the same exact feeling.

...He really is happy too.

So he breathes out simply and quietly, slumping a little as he does, and while Stahn may still be looking at him, Leon's eyes slide shut. It's a lot to take in and a lot to acknowledge to accept that something like this could make him happy, honestly. He's still trying to cope with that. But... it's not bad, either.]

... I see. [His words are soft, and they don't give a lot into his thoughts, but the next ones probably do, a few moments later:] I understand.

[For someone like Leon, who is so bad at understanding emotion and feelings, especially ones like this...the fact that he understands is implication in and of itself that he feels that way too. It's... nice, he thinks. It's nice to feel happy, especially on a journey that he expected to be difficult from day one.

Maybe this is difficult in another way, but it's so warm that Leon can't bring himself to care. It's fine, if he gets burned like this--it's fine, because this sort of warmth is something he's never had before, and he can't give it up now that it's in his grasp.]

[leon saying that he understands speaks volumes to stahn in every way. he knows all too well how emotionally closed-off leon is, and he knows that positive emotions don't come easily to him. so for leon to say he understands—well, that's an admission. he knows it has to be, because leon has never understood that before.

he never seemed to understand when things were lighthearted; when they all laughed and joked around, he would scoff. he would say he didn't like people like them, that he couldn't understand it. but here and now, when they're sharing warmth... it's obvious.

leon understands. he understands, and he's happy too.

it may not be the exact same feeling, because stahn is used to embracing his happiness and his love and zest for people and the world around him. leon struggles with it but... that's why this is happening, right? because he can help leon to see the world through a different lens (no pun intended). he can do these things, and maybe nobody else can. stahn doesn't know that for sure, but he'd like to believe that it's him and the rest of their friends that led leon to even be able to reach that point. so it's okay.

he wants to see it through.]

Mm! [it's a pleased sound of acknowledgement that's followed up by his grin widening and shining brightly. he's happy. he's so, so happy right now.] That makes me happy too.

[just in case leon's not sure what's got him even more elated. it's fine, he's willing to walk leon through every emotion until he can understand all of them.]

[It's a complicated mix of feelings, that's for sure. The happiness is overwhelming, but quick on its heels is the uncertainty, the concern, the discomfort. He's not sure if this is right, after all--isn't there Marian as well, back home (and he knows she's be happy for him like this, and what they have is...different from what he feels around Stahn, but that's confusing too) and as soon as he puts Marian and Stahn side-by-side in his thoughts, things click.

Why else would he think of Stahn and Marian in the same breath like that? Why else, if not because...

His heart skips a beat, because quite honestly, it's daunting. It's daunting to realize just like that, everything coming together just like that, and slowly, his breath catches. But he doesn't want to ruin the calm or quiet either. More than anything, that's what he wants to prevent.

(But how is he supposed to handle this? If Stahn is... that important to him? If, even so, there's a different sense to him than Marian, even, what does that mean? And if something as simple as Leon saying he understands is enough to make Stahn even happier, then...can he really keep this to himself?)

The self-preservation part of Leon, the part of him that tries to protect his honestly fragile heart (which is a large part of Leon) is telling him to not say a thing, or do a thing, or ruin this. Just... enjoy it as it is, and not be greedy, and not reach for more. But reaching for more is what he wants--

And when he looks at Stahn, eyes opening, searching for some sort of answer, he... honestly finds it. It's right there in that happy, shining grin, and that exuberant expression. It's there in the way that Stahn is still so close, their faces still so close together, and their fingers still intertwined. And when he thinks about it, it's always been there--in the way Stahn tried so hard to be his friend, to protect him, to talk with him, to learn more about him...

There's always been something there, hasn't there? And now...

With their final battle looming, and no guarantees following, Leon's going to follow his instincts. He's always been the sort to try to seize what he can and what he wants, even when the situation is difficult or tries to thwart him (or perhaps especially then). But the only thing thwarting him here is his own uncertainty, and he's not going to accept that at all. He's Leon Magnus, and what he wants...

...is to put to use all of the realizations he's just had, meeting Stahn's eyes entirely firmly as he lifts one of their intertwined set of hands, twisting his wrist to put his own hand on the bottom and, still without breaking eye contact, he brings the back of Stahn's hand high enough to be able to press his lips to it.

More than anything, he thinks that's a pretty reasonable way to demonstrate his own emotions and feelings, even if he doesn't always understand as well as everyone else. Sure, Stahn might have to walk him through some things, but this Leon understands just fine. It has always been the sort of feeling he's been chasing, for what feels like so long. Isn't it okay to consider that maybe... he found it?]

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Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron | 071

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