realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[He can see it, really.

He got a firsthand look at Stahn and the others doing the deed, after all. The second time around, he was able to see them having to do what they had to do--the way they were all hurting, the way it was so hard for them to do it. The way that parting was so painful.

The way they all hurt as they said their farewells.

Judas experienced something similar, Stahn knows that now. And the only difference between them is that Stahn's had 18 years to come to terms with it, and for Judas, the wound's still raw. But even so...when he hears words like that, he feels almost bad for bringing it up.

He hadn't wanted to bring up hurtful memories.]

... You were excellent partners. [Stahn and Dymlos--so similar in some ways, and so different in others, they were able to complement each other and help each other grow all at once.]

I am sure...he was satisfied with that.

[there was a time when he knows he never would have heard those words from that mouth. but stahn also knows... that judas has seen a lot. that he's witnessed a lot of things and got see dymlos in many ways across is journey, including at times, ways in which stahn also remembers him.

there's a warm feeling in his chest he gets from hearing judas say that, and he can easily shift his gaze back to look at judas with a small, appreciative smile. it's a little melancholic and a little reminiscent, but it's not outright sad. stahn doesn't hurt because they're talking about it, but he'll never not miss treasured friends and partners.]

I think he was, too. He got mad a lot, but... we always helped each other to the end. [he smiles a little wider, sincere as ever despite the topic being one that does make him a little sad in some way.]

It got easier. It was hard at first, I'd go to talk to him and then remember he wasn't there anymore. [those were the times when he'd cry, especially.] But... he did it to save us all. He did it so that all the work we did wouldn't be for nothing. Dymlos... and Atwight, Clemente, and Igtenos too...

They wanted us to live. And I guess they must have been tired too, after so long. [he's had a lot of time to think about what it all meant, of course.]

[Judas' hurt is a lot more raw than Stahn's; Stahn gives him a melancholic smile, but Judas can't return the expression. It's all still a little too close for him, especially since he never really had the chance to properly mourn.

And mourning now, in a house filled with so much love and warmth, feels uncomfortable and wrong in a lot of ways.

Honestly, Judas is glad that they'll be taking this trip--just him and Stahn. Around Stahn, he's comfortable enough to mourn. Around Stahn, he doesn't have to hide it, because Stahn understands it all already. So Judas just breathes out a slow, quiet breath and nods. Of course the Swordians had wanted them to live. They'd loved them, as their precious partners--there can be no doubt about that.

But thinking of how tired Chal must have been when he finally got to join the others, eighteen years late after spending all of that time alone with nothing more than a corpse...

It hurts in a lot of ways, but he's also relieved, and guilty, all at once.]

... I apologized... to him. [Many times in the evening when taking watch away from Kyle and the others. He apologized for making Chal go through that, but...]

... He was not particularly...inclined to hearing it, though.

[Even so--it was hard and still is hard not to feel guilty for what he put Chal through. The other Swordians got to retire to wherever they are now knowing they'd saved the world. Chal...had been alone, knowing nothing but that he'd betrayed his comrades.]

I'm not surprised.

[it's... a pretty honest response, but can't help but to express anything but the truth. he isn't surprised that chaltier wouldn't want to hear chaltier's apologies. but... if nothing else, stahn will explain his reasons.]

Chaltier chose to stay with you until the end, didn't he? Even... knowing what that meant. I think that he didn't want you to apologize for that. You made your choices because you believed they were what's right, and he stayed with you because he was a loyal friend.

I don't think I'd want to be apologized to in that position either. [so he can imagine that maybe it was the same for chaltier, too.]

[Even if Chal chose to do so... Judas knows that he'd wanted to get help. He'd wanted to contact his comrades. He hadn't wanted to do what they'd ended up doing.

But.....in the end, he really had gone with Leon, and that's not something to be ignored.

So Judas just nods quietly--it doesn't entirely help, but he does know that Stahn's right.]

... Regardless. I owe him a great deal. Honoring his sacrifices is only the first step. [But it's a good start.]

[it's not like stahn can really ever know the depth of what happened 18 years ago; how much had happened during his decision to go after marian alone and betray the group remains something that hasn't been told to him in any sort of detail.]

We can take it one step at a time. [stahn knows this isn't easy for judas, and he's not going to try and invalidate anything he feels on the matter—he just wants to be there to support his friend and ensure that he can recover from everything properly.]

I'll take you there, and... if there's anything else you need help with, Emilio... please tell me. [he'll help however he can, naturally.]

This is...enough.

[It really is, too--Judas isn't just saying that. Being able to do this with Stahn eases his mind quite a bit. To be able to leave Chaltier a proper memento, to be able to thank him for everything in that way, and make it clear at least that he hasn't forgotten him--

That would help immensely.

Though...after a moment, he does glance up through his bangs (messier than when he was Leon, but still similar in appearance even after all of that).]

There--actually is something. [One little request.] Would you...be willing to speak with me about them more often?

[Dymlos, and Chaltier. Igtenos and Clemente and Atwight. Having someone who understands to reminisce...that would help.]

Ah—

[stahn is honestly a bit surprise to hear a request liek that from judas, but.. it's not a bad thing. the truth is that he didn't speak much of the swordians anymore despite how often he thought about them.

sometimes with rutee he would, usually on the days that she would be missing atwight the most. but aside from that and the occasional meeting with philia and woodrow, they didn't speak much of it. sometimes kyle would ask—though he doesn't anymore.

(perhaps he doesn't need to, because even with the memory situation as it is, he's been able to meet the human dymlos in the flesh.)]

Anytime you want to... I would like that. It would be less sad then, wouldn't it? To be able to remember them more often. [to celebrate their existences and the good they did, to remember the laughs they shared and all of the things they experienced...

it sounds nice.]

[That's his hope. That it will be less sad, that he'll be able to remember the better times and reminiscence with Stahn about them. That he'll be able to remember Chaltier, who was so important in raising him and being there for him, and...that maybe he'll be able to talk with Stahn about that too.

It's important in so many ways.

So he simply nods quietly, shifting the hot pad again.]

Yes, I think so.

[To be able to have that...he's more than content, as ever. This sort of life... it's more than he deserves, and this sort of happiness is more than he could ever ask for.]

...Thank you.

You don't need to thank me for that. It's... something I'd like to do.

[he means it sincerely too. be it for the sake of himself, for the sake of remembering their partners, or just being able to help judas with getting over the things that have happened—they're all things he wants to do.]

Me, and Rutee... and everyone else—this is what we're here for. We support each other when we need it. We're there for the other when we're sad. We get through the hard times... together.

[and judas is absolutely included in that. he can rely on them when he needs to, no questions again. and that's why he'll follow up by asking:] Is your wrist feeling any better?

[Judas snorts faintly at that, shaking his head. It's just like Stahn to be this sweet and thoughtful about this. It's just like this family to be so warm and caring about it.

It's what he's starting to get used to, and...he thinks that for that--he's happy.

He's happy to have been given the chance to get used to something like this. So he absorbs the words as ever, and only responds to the last question, amused.]

It's little more than an ache regardless. It's fine.

[And it is feeling better too, so he's content. He can't really complain about old aches and pains.]

That's good. I thought it might do the trick, since it usually works for me. It can get pretty bad in this weather.

[actual old man stahn aileron here. he's not giving away any indications as to where his aches and pains are—he generally bears it until the kids go to sleep so they don't worry about him too much.]

[Such an old man...not that Judas is any better, let's be real here.

He just shakes his head quickly, lips twisting into the wryest of expressions.]

Yet another reason to not be fond of the rain.

You really don't like it at all, do you.

[though stahn's not sure he can blame judas at all. water in general... after what happened in that life, if must not have been easy. stahn doesn't mind the rain too much despite the aches and pains.

he won't trouble judas with his own, despite admitting they exist at times like this]

No.

[That's an easy question to answer--though a moment later he adds:]

I did not like it much even before that happened, however.

[He doesn't want Stahn to think that his death ruined an entire sort of weather for him, after all. He doesn't like being wet because of that, but he didn't like the rain even before that.]

Rain is just...miserable weather. It makes a mess of everything. You cannot go out, even if you wished to, and if you have to be out in it, it is an equally miserable experience.

[In other words, he wasn't able to go out and enjoy the warm weather with Marian when he was home, and when he was on missions and it rained, it was just awful.]

Ah... I guess it can be like that.

[stahn laughs a little, shaking his head though.]

I never really thought of it like that. I used to like to go out in the rain and play... but I think I see what you mean. [it seems like something that's deep-seated well before what happened, so he knows there's probably not changing his stubborn mind about it.]

I guess it just means we'll have to find things to do inside to get your mind off that feeling, right?

[It's really just like Stahn again to be like this. He sees Judas at less than 100%, and he wants to fix it. That's how Stahn functions.

Judas thinks that sometimes it's okay for him to be at less that 100%--that sometimes he'll be melancholic or less than content, and that's fine.

But for now, he'll humor Stahn.]

If you're thinking that you'll placate me with an indoor game like you do the children, you'll be disappointed.

[he knows that he can't fix judas to 100%; stahn himself has those moments too, and he's had so many over the years that he knows it's not possible.

but still, he wants to at least lighten the load, and keep judas' mind off the worst if his mind starts going to a bit of a darker place.]

No... but maybe sometimes you don't have to bear it alone. We can just talk like this, or do something else if there's something you'd like.

[It sure is a lot harder to rile Stahn up these days, now that he's all adult-y and dad-like.

Judas just hums quietly under his breath at that, thoughtful, before he nods. You know? That honestly doesn't sound bad.]

Very well then. I won't protest, if that is what you'd prefer.

[Doing something with Stahn, talking with Stahn... it's not like he could ever really argue that, for all that he pretends.]

Mm... I'd like it a lot.

[for so many reasons.] We... have a lot of time to make up for, don't we? Eighteen years is a lot of time to lose.

[he says it lightly; he's not trying to drag the mood down—it's gentle teasing just to say that he wants to spend more time with judas. he's always willing—there's no doubt he prefers it.]

[He quirks an eyebrow at that, somewhat amused by that sort of statement--in a lot of ways, it doesn't make any sense at all, since Judas shouldn't even be here right now.

In other ways, though, he agrees.

Eighteen years is a long time, and there's honestly still a lot he'd like to know about that time--so he nods to the chair by him.]

Take a seat, then. We may as well talk, if you are so carefree that you can hover around me.

[He's just teasing, really... he's happy that Stahn always comes to check on him, and though he's sure Rutee won't always be happy about the slacking--she's never said anything when it comes to Stahn looking out for him, and he knows that that's her way of looking out for him too.]

[rutee can deal with it.

(or stahn can deal with it later once everyone's gone to sleep; for all their bickering, they never really fight in front of the kids over things like this. rutee and stahn both respect each other too much to give the kids any idea that one parent has more authority, after all.)]

I didn't really have much else to do anyway. The kids really do think finding leaks is some kind of game. [probably because there are always new ones to patch up. in any case, it leaves him free enough to take a seat, almost immediately leaning back a bit and stretching out one leg a bit.] I definitely have time to just talk for a while.

[especially when it's judas.]

[Ah yes, the leaks... Judas snorts vaguely at that, too, and shakes his head. And when he finally does speak, after musing for a bit, it's not about their mutual past or the Swordians or anything serious at all.

Instead--]

That had ought to be your next project, when the rain stops. Patching those holes with plaster would not be too difficult or expensive.

[Problem solving!!!]

It does add up after a while, though. We have to wait until we don't think there'll be rain for a bit.

[the truth of the matter is that finances are really pretty tight. they're not living in total poverty, but most of the money they got as stipend from their heroics has long since gone into maintaining the orphanage and feeding so many kids.

stahn doesn't love it either, but with how much needs repairing, it's a bit of a slow process.]

Hm.

[Judas is quiet for a moment at that, before he nods simply.]

Leave the buckets where they are when the rain has stopped so I know where the holes are.

[He's got some things he'd like to poke around with and try.]

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