realpolitik | Leon Magnus | Stahn Aileron

[he's just digging himself deeper into this pit of embarrassment. if nothing else, he does draw in a breath to try and calm down as leon asks.

but he's also keeping his gaze away from leon's at the same time. he might actually explode if he does, because his creative imagination already pondered the idea of leon in a tuxedo.

...which was even more attractive than leon in a suit.

there are so many problems with this situation.]

If... you want to know, I can tell you. [since the implication is that leon isn't too fond of stahn making that choice for him. even if it's true, he doesn't think leon is going to want to hear it.

...but a lot of it really is just the fact that stahn has no idea how to talk about this and think it may be too soon or too much for either of them to really start thinking about or discussing.] But you can't get mad at me if you don't like it.

[yeah, he's putting a condition on this just to cover himself if leon ends up really balking at it.]

[Yeah.... yeah this is going very poorly. Leon's brows furrow at that caveat immediately; he's not fond of agreeing to things like that, nor is he fond of the implication that it's something he might get angry bout.

On the other hand.... he doesn't want Stahn to keep this to himself either.

What a conundrum... After a long moment of silence, Leon huffs a sigh.]

... Fine. I will not be angry with you.

[Probably.]

[somehow... that doesn't really make it any easier to say what he has to say.]

It's not... that big. I ran into a friend today, and she told me she was getting married. She showed me the ring, and it was really nice! I'm happy for her...

[just in case leon was concerned that stahn wouldn't be happy for a friend making wonderful changes in their life. but it still causes stahn to pause and dip his head, completely sheepish.]

So I was thinking about... what I used to think settling with a family would be like. And us, and...

[he can't say it.

he can't bring himself to say that he's wondering what it would be like to get married to leon. to have a wedding or even just to be married. he's not even thinking that it's something they should or need to do, but the thought of it is in his head now.

but he can't seem to spit it out.]

[Weird, that.

But Leon's quiet for a bit, listening to Stahn without any clear comprehension. Okay, so he was talking to a friend...which is a thing that happens a lot because Stahn.

and then she's getting married, and naturally Stahn's happy for her, because again, Stahn.

But what does that have to do...with.............]

[..........Oh.

Oh.

It all clicks all of a sudden, and Stahn gets the dubious pleasure of finally shutting Leon up completely. He's speechless, and he doesn't even have it in him to make a comment, snide or otherwise.

No, he's just.

Stunned.

Oh.]

[yeah.

yeah.

there's a reason why stahn finds himself dipping his head from embarrassment. he still has the image of leon in a tux in his mind, which certainly isn't helping either of them. there isn't much in the way of satisfaction to be had from this.

this is so embarrassing, honestly.]

I—I'm not saying we should—! Or anything, just that... [just that what? it would be nice? he wouldn't mind it? maybe it's something they can consider when they've been together longer?

he doesn't even know if leon would want to. and stahn is fine not being married, as long as he can be with leon anyway. so... does it matter? he's not sure.]

[No.... no, it's too late, Stahn broke him. Leon isn't angry. He's not pitching a fit or reacting that way. But on the other hand, he doesn't really seem capable of reacting at all--he's silent, opening his mouth to speak and failing to make any noise at all and closing it again.

Marriage.

Marriage.

For someone like Leon, who had barely adjusted to the fact that he's in a relationship and who still hasn't managed the word "boyfriend", marriage is just a little beyond his comprehension. Honestly, he looks a little strained, but mostly because he's trying to find a response as Stahn fumbles to reassure him at least a little, but he just

can't

Someone help these children.]

[they're a mess.

but stahn doesn't really know how to deal with the marriage bsod he just caused... this is...

yeah.

yeeeeeeeah.

he can't make eye contact with leon this way, and he takes another minute of sputtering before he lets out a defeated:] I told you that you probably didn't want to hear it...

I--

[He's still fumbling for a response, but it's hard--after a moment, he clears his throat, looking away desperately and trying again.

...]

That is, I... you... [??? Someone help him. Finally, he admits almost weakly, and a little vulnerably, especially startling coming from Leon:] ...I've never thought about...something like that before.

[Marriage.. he'd never considered it something for someone like him.]

[well, at least it's opening up some kind of dialogue here.]

Me neither. I mean—I did, but... I always thought that was part of settling down and starting a family. Before. Now...

[now, he doesn't quite see it that way, but he can't get the imagery out of his head. so admitting it all is pretty difficult for him too.

it's definitely a bit strange to say "i thought about getting married, but not to you, even if stahn only means that his initial thoughts of that lifestyle had been pretty narrow before now. but leon had made him change his mind about a lot, since he had to be so much more flexible to accommodate leon's boundaries.]

Ah, I— [he's still sputtering here. he's sputtering and blushing and completely unable to look at leon because he's so embarrassed by this topic.

leave him here to die, this is fine. who needs to live when they're this embarrassed?]

[This is only getting even more embarrassing somehow... of course Stahn wanted to get married and settle down and start a family. He'd said so before, honestly, but Leon had never really thought about it. He'd already warned Stahn that he wouldn't be able to provide a family, and Stahn had been fine with that.

But... marriage?

... Can he take that away from Stahn's dreams as well? But on the other hand, the thought of getting married is so foreign and strange and overwhelming to him that he can't even imagine trying to say yes to something like that. What would that even be like?

Finally, in a somewhat strangled voice, he manages to try to bring some normalcy back.]

Marriage...is a concept that suits you, yes.

[But...not so much Leon.]

[this whole conversation is so awkward and embarrassing. this is why he tried to avoid actually telling leon and now that he has...

maybe he regrets it a little?

he's pretty sure marriage is something that's not going to be on the table for them. he's not even pushing for it, because he knows that it's not something that they were in any position to think about. it had taken a lot just for them to get to the point where they currently are, and bringing in something that was so much more serious and weighted... it's too much.]

...Don't worry about it. [stahn says, quietly.] I don't need it. It was just... a thought, because of what happened.

[in the end, all he wants is to be with leon and live happily. he has everything he could possibly need this way, so there's no point in making things stressful between them over something like marriage.]

You...

[He's still fighting hard to get these words out there, and it's still not easy. Leon doesn't know what these words mean for someone like him, honestly. All he can do is say what he believes, and try not to worry too hard about it, because if he does he freezes up and can't get any words through his throat at all.

Instead--]

--You are...the sort of person who should have such a thing.

[Marriage. Stahn wants it. Stahn deserves it.

But... but Leon... really doesn't know what that means for himself.]

[this isn't how things were supposed to go at all.

leon makes that face, and any feelings of awkwardness seem to fall to the wayside. leon is wearing an expression that makes his heart sink in an instant. so he'll move closer, reaching out for leon's hand.

there's something stahn needs to assure him of before he really starts to let himself believe these things.]

It's really not important. [though he knows leon won't be convinced so easily.]

I didn't always know what it meant to settle down. That's what other people did in Leane, so I thought it would be the same.

[stahn squeezes leon's hand before firmly shaking his head.] I don't need to be like that. I...

I'm happy like this, Leon. [he'll look up, offering eye contact for the first time since this exchange started.] You're still my family now this way, so... I'm happy, as long as you want to stay like this.

[staying with him—that's all stahn really wants. the marriage thing is something he can put away, because it was just a thought.]

[Stahn is still, in a lot of ways, far too good to him. And far too good for him. Stahn, the simple soul who saved the world, is willing to give up or set aside so many of his dreams to be with Leon, and Leon's under no illusion that he doesn't deserve that sort of kindness and care. But nonetheless, here they are.

Nonetheless, Stahn's taking care of him again.

Leon clears his throat, glancing away himself when Stahn meets his eyes.]

Are you...certain?

[Is Stahn really happy like this? When he thinks about the pure sort of happiness that something like marriage would bring to Stahn, it's hard to feel okay with something like this, even if it settles Leon a little bit.]

Mm! Do you really think I'd lie about that?

[stahn, who is a terrible liar? stahn, who couldn't even hold back his own thoughts for a full minute before he confided them in leon?

he wouldn't say something like that if he didn't mean it, so it almost seems foolish to even have that questioned. he tugs at leon a little, indicating that he should come closer—and his gaze doesn't falter even though leon's looked away.]

I didn't come all this way to get married, Leon. I'm here because I want to be with you, however that is... that makes me happy. So...

Don't feel like you're taking something away from me, okay? [yeah, he's about to get sappy and embarrassing. which is why he'll definitely fumble on his words more than once trying to spit out his thoughts.] I don't want to do things that won't make you happy...

And...

I wouldn't get married to someone just because I'm "supposed" to. [which is a good way of saying that he's not going to change his mind and leave leon for that traditional lifestyle.]

You. Leon. Emilio... [he smiles a little brighter, though his cheeks are just as flushed as they had been earlier.] You're what makes me happy!

[he's so... pure.... his tone, his smile, everything is incredibly sincere. maybe now is not the time to talk about marriage, but maybe it's the time to really and truly hammer home how important leon is to him.]

[... It's true.

Stahn doesn't lie to him, and this isn't a lie. Stahn loves him this much, for all that he is, and he doesn't want anything more than exactly what he's saying. He doesn't want someone he can marry, he wants Leon. He doesn't want someone who fulfills just that role for him--he wants Leon, with all of his faults and mistakes and flaws.

He wants to be with Leon, and he wants to make Leon happy.

And of course, Leon believes it, because Stahn would never lie to him.

Quietly, Leon follows the tug, allowing Stahn to pull him closer until he's basically leaning on him. When it's Stahn being like this, so pure and so certain and so warm... Leon believes it, of course. How could he not?]

... I understand. [And he's...honestly so relieved. Marriage is too daunting a topic for him to even contemplate, but being with Stahn is easy, and he would never want to lose that for anything.] Then... I, too, am content with this.

Good... that's good.

[the relief in stahn's own voice is palpable, and with good reason. there had been the legitimate worry in those few moments that they were going to take steps backwards.

that maybe leon would panic because marriage came up at all. that maybe the notion would scare him away—or worse yet, that he would push stahn away because of some notion that it's better for him. sure, marriage may be the sort of thing that stahn could settle into easily, but... that's not what he wants.

if it's a happy byproduct of being with leon, it's fine. but he'd rather spend the rest of his days unmarried and with leon than anything else. even if he had thought of what it may be like, even if he pictured what could one day be?

what matters more (and most) to stahn is leon. so having leon practically leaning against him—well, it's easier to pull him into a hug this way.]

That's all I want... I promise, that's all I want. [he repeats it, as if the extra reassurance is necessary. he's not sure when it came to be this way, when leon became the center of his world and the pillar that keeps him steadiest, but that's the way it is, and he has no intent on letting that go.]

... I believe you.

[That answer comes surprisingly easily as well. So much has changed for Leon, and bit by bit, he's realizing it for himself. He's not the same person he was before. And when Stahn assures him of something like that...he believes him. His own lack of self-esteem on occasion is still not enough to shake his faith in Stahn, after all.

And even that is being mended, bit by little bit.

Either way, for now he just sighs, properly relaxing against Stahn, and nods. It was probably more stressful than it should have been for something just...as simple as that, but considering Leon... that was inevitable.

And even so.... he's relieved to have Stahn.]

That...is all I need as well.

So then... we're okay, right?

[in that nothing will change. in that leon won't run away or want him to leave. in that he doesn't have a shred of doubt in stahn's sincerity.

of course, he does largely know the answer to that. he knows that leon wouldn't lean against him in this way if there was any other answer. and maybe that's exactly why he pulls leon to a proper hug, breathing out a soft, relieved breath.]

I don't want to leave. [and maybe it's just the fact that they had a conversation like this, or the notion of marriage still lingering somewhere in his mind. but stahn feels the need to reiterate that statement; to say the things he earnestly feels.] No matter what.

[The proper hug is all the reassurance Leon needs as well. He settles into it relievedly, resting his cheek on Stahn's shoulder as he does. It's strange how much energy that took, even just having a conversation like that--but maybe because it was so intensely emotional.

He's not going to think about it too hard.

Instead, he just mimics the reassured breath out, and--in his own Leon way, he'll say the same.]

I have not said that you are allowed to leave yet.

[Don't leave.

They're okay.]

Well...

[when leon says it like that, there's really only one thing he can say in response:]

I hope you don't ever say that at all. [it's a bit of a quiet admission, but it's incredibly earnest. he doesn't want to leave leon, not ever. so of course, he'll say that... not that the extra assurance is really completely needed at this point.

but he wants to say it.

he wants to further reassure leon that he has no intention of ever going, marriage be damned.]

[Stop encouraging his possessive tendencies, Stahn... but with that sort of encouragement, Leon's really not going to hesitate to go right along with it.

Which is why his fingers tighten in Stahn's sleeve, and he hums quietly under his breath. He's comfortable here, resting against Stahn like this, and he's happy too to know that Stahn is for all intents and purposes his, even without marriage. Perhaps... it would be worthwhile to lay a more permanent and distinctive claim on Stahn via that method, but...

Leon's never felt like he had to, not with how sincere and trustworthy Stahn is, and not with the faith he has in him.

And so, with Stahn encouraging him like this, and being so patient and understanding with him, Leon will go ahead and reward him for it, leaning up to press his lips to Stahn's briefly, but pulling away only far enough to murmur practically against his lips--]

I do not intend to give you up or share you--of course I will never say that you are allowed to leave.

[He's quite happy to lay his claim right here and now.]

[oh.

what starts out as seeming so innocuous quickly changes the mood around them. leon murmuring words that sound so provocative sends a shiver straight down stahn's spine. though words could sound so demanding, so possessive, or just plain factual.

but in that tone of voice, so close to stahn's lips to the point that he can feel leon's breath as he speaks... well, it definitely gets stahn's heart racing. he can feel a warmth deepening in his face, and within seconds, he's closing the gap to kiss leon. but unlike his normal, more gentle kisses, this one has a bit of fire, lightly baring teeth and tugging at leon's lower lip a bit. it's still brief.]

...I'm not going to share you, either. [it's petty and selfish, and something he's aware isn't really going to be a serious issue, but he wants it to be known. stahn doesn't take offense to the girls that flirt with him for his charming looks (even if his personality tends to betray that), but he still wants it to be known. when it comes to matters like this, he wants to be the only one who lies with leon, the only one who tastes his lips, the only one who gets to bury their face in his hair and breathe in the clean and almost floral fragrance that's so uniquely leon.]

[That sure became Something really fast. Leon's breath catches in his throat at that kiss, at the promise of fire and warmth and passion it holds, even with as brief as it was--and he has to clear his throat gently to be able to respond, because he suddenly felt just a little bit at a loss for words.

It seems that no matter how often they get this far, it's still enough to render Leon pretty close to speechless, though he's gotten better.

He's not pushing Stahn away anymore, after all.

Instead, he tilts his head to inspect Stahn's face properly, and honestly? He's satisfied with what he sees. It's silly, really. There are a lot of things that can embarrass Leon, especially coming from Stahn, but this? This is just...well, it's somehow very endearing.

Perhaps it's because Leon knows how gentle Stahn always is, despite the underlying fire that he knows is there.]

This sort of expression suits you. [That's what he finally says, reaching a hand up to run a thumb along Stahn's jaw until he can tilt it so he can meet Stahn's eyes better. He doesn't really intend for the gesture to be provocative, but...well, he is slowly running his fingers along Stahn's jaw, so it's probably more so than he'd even think.]

I'd wondered if you had it in you.

[That sort of possessiveness, he means... Leon knows that he himself does, because he knows that he himself is not a very pure or good person, but coming from Stahn... it's a little surprising, but not in a bad way.]

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